To not know how to deal with a difficult colleague

[Olivia1971]

So I am on a committee for a PTA and small local charity for small business. I have been out of work for a while and one of the committees I am involved in has a particular skill and area and contacts that has a good chance in helping me to gain work in the future.

I enjoy it, have made friends in a new area and feel like I have been helping. However committee roles have been given out, we have a new president, and I'm secretary. The president is a very difficult woman to get on with, although on paper we have a lot in common and you would think we would get on, and sent me some emails I found very rude and patronising.

I get the feeling she has a real personal dislike of me. She will talk to everyone else at meetings bar me, wont smile or say hello when I try to talk to her and the emails were in a tone that are different to the emails everyone else gets. When I sent an email out she felt was part of her role, she sent me a very curt email demanding I respect the roles of other members, and that in future all communication go through her first. This particular task is not mentioned in her job description, and in fact, though not specifically mentioned in mine, is similar to the other tasks in mine, and would be reasonable to assume is down to me so I think she is in the wrong. She has been a part of this a lot longer than me so I may be wrong, but double checked and it would seem the paperwork back me up.

I asked her if I had offended her in any way, apologised if I had and asked for her to alter her tone of her emails. I was pleasant and not rude. I got one back basically telling me I'm overstepping and a nightmare with a load of exclamation marks. I explained that I find exclamation marks in formal emails rude, as it denotes shouting (it did in this context) and that we should treat email as we would a face to face conversation, and that, could she please not use them in future. Not the greatest thing to say, but I was upset, and have apologised.

We have been back and forth, we me at every stage asking to put any bad feeling behind us, start over and be cordial with one another. I have apologised for any disagreement and stated I hate conflict could we please start over.

She is now emailing me, telling me I am not to talk to her except in meetings (makes my role impossible) and that she will be raising a motion to vote me off the committee if I don't immediately resign. She has made me feel like a monster when I have spent four emails apologising and trying to smooth things over. I am sick at the thought of having to see her now and go to these meetings. I feel the hours I have put in are wasted, that she will turn the friends I have on the committee against me. I am confident my emails will be seen as reasonable but nothing I seem to try (stroking her ego, apologising, accepting blame when I was not entirely in the wrong) has helped.

I hate the thought someone could dislike me so intently for no reason. I have no confidence, have been in abusive relationships, have anxiety and have felt socially isolated. This is where I stretch my brain and I am feeling I have no choice but to leave as no matter what I do this woman will no co-operate with me. I am so embarrassed and a bit hurt.

What do I do?

She sounds bloody awful and you are not in the wrong. I agree, stop apologising. Keep any email polite, concise. Raise the fact she wants you to resign and stand your ground. Good luck 🍀

If everyone else gets on with her I would consider resigning from the position of secretary. Someone that gels well with her can step into the role - I think this is the best thing for yourself and for the charity.

You can build up contacts for future employment opportunities without being on the committee and I doubt you would be employed because you had taken on a PTA and small charity committee role as secretary. Sorry, but real-life experience counts far more than committee roles.

Her predecessor resigned because the school went into an academy, didn't like the change of leadership and process, and left. She was friendly with the last chair, and is also a governor (or involved with leadership/academy decisions in another capacity, I'm assuming governor.) - The charity is linked to the PTA - not all members of the PTA are members, but this is where the charity mainly recruits members from. (trying not to out myself as knowing my luck shes on here).

I'd resign. Life is too short to take this much stress from a voluntary position. You'll find others that don't have this sort of bully 'in charge'.

If anyone asks why, just tell them you had a personality clash with the chair. It happens. If she's as bad as you say, then everyone else will know why you REALLY resigned.

I was going to suggest similar to PP.
Send another email, copying everyone and explaining that you are chasing answers so next meeting runs smoothly.
Perhaps this email includes entire email trail??
I also find the blind copy can be useful....
Make sure you are not isolated-get your side across.
But remember why you are doing this and if it is really worth it.

She sounds like a nightmare.

Forward all the email communication to everyone involved, they can make up their minds on who should resign...

Really gets on my nerves when somebody in a king of the hill position uses it to boss others around instead of leading for common benefit. It really takes the piss out of any charitable work they think they're doing...

Don't give in to the bullies; she's in the wrong and should be ashamed of herself. She likely won't be, but will have to feign some, when the others find out of her dirty antics.

You poor thing OP, she sounds awful. As others have said, I would get other committee members involved, explain about any misunderstanding with crossed roles and let them read the emails. Hope you get it sorted.

KimmySchmidtsSmile Regina George! Love it, totally using that in future!

Often someone is this horrible with no reason because theyve got a little mate that they want to get into your role and theyre trying to get you out to get them in.

Agreeing with everyone else on:
Stop apologising.
Print off all the emails and take them to the head with "Ive tried to be as accommodating as possible to make this work but her attitude just makes it impossible, here are all my attempts to do my job and her replies refusing to work with me."

Also, you say 'nothing I seem to try (stroking her ego, apologising, accepting blame when I was not entirely in the wrong) has helped'

That will be seen by her as you being weak or a pushover. As a PP said, stop apologising if you've done nothing wrong. Be polite but assertive.

Walk away with dignity and do something with your time that makes you feel good and gives you pleasure. Life is far too short.

I bet there would be numerous local voluntary organisations that would bite your hand off if you offered your time to them instead.

I would quit. I've had to deal with someone like this before. It was bloody awful and I wish I had just packed it in instead of trying to avoid upsetting her when she was being an unreasonable cowbag.

She's not your colleague, she's a volunteer for the PTA. Resign and say in your resignation that you are leaving due to the bullying behaviour of X and although you have tried to resolve things your position has become untenable.

I would keep copies of everything as evidence.

OP - I feel for you.

1. Stop apologising
2. I agree with mumonashoe comments
3. Be polite and assertive

What I've learned over the past year is that there are always people who smell when you're feeling insecure, and will kick you when you're down.

The same people happily sucked up to you when you were in a better position financially/status-wise.

Shows what a shallow bunch of losers those people are. Your self-worth is important here. Do everything you can to preserve it. Do not keep apologising to a bully, it will fall on deaf ears and actually will make them antagonise you even more. They're experts at taking advantage of anyone showing vulnerability, so you need to set personal boundaries and protect them.

I sympathise for your predicament of anxiety and it really winds me up that she is treating you like this; I assume she senses you're a nice and vulnerable person and she is certainly attempting to steamroll all over you.

Focus on you and do what you feel is right. You don't owe anyone a goddamn thing if they cannot treat you with basic respect. A friend of mine actually left a PTA meeting when a lady was bullying her, she just stood up, said 'Fuck it I'm too old for this' and walked off. That's one way to deal with it.

Don't take it to the Head. Yes it's PTA for the school but you're not pupils.

Just walk away with some dignity and find something else to do that makes you feel good about yourself.

Stop apologising.
Ask her questions at the meetings or when you have witnesses.

I have been in a similar situation, and like you was the newcomer and not into conflict/competing.
Clearly she sees you as a threat because of your skills and she is dealing with it in the way that she always does with threats. She sees threats everywhere because she is a social climber and assumes that you are like her. She probably assumes that you are intending to elbow her out, and she must act first.

The worst thing you can do is keep it between you and her, because you can be sure that is not how she is playing it. Undoubtedly she will already have taken one or more of the committee aside and complained, so you need to come out into the open too, or her side will play out as true.

Because she has demanded you resign and said she will ask the committee to drop you otherwise, she has given you a reason to copy the entire email stream to the committee before the next meeting, with a carefully worded mail. State right out that she has asked you to resign and so you felt it was time to bring the whole thing into view of the committee, because it has got beyond personal.

State your case for wanting to stay on the committee (skills, availability, wanting to do the best possible for the school/charity), point out that she is refusing to work with you. State that you can and will work with anyone and have done all you can to resolve her issues, but now need the committee to step in, clarify roles and get agreement on how to proceed.

If she threatens to quit, for goodness sake stay quiet and look as disinterested as possible.

My suggestion is first thing in the morning identify several local charities who might appreciate a hand and offer your services.

Then pop a note to the committee and explain that unfortunately you are needed for alternate good cause and need to pass your work over to someone else immediately while a replacement is found. Send your apologies for any upcoming meetings and be too busy to discuss in the playground over the phone.

If a governor or the head is in touch then stick to the same story BUT add on the end that its just as well as X will be happy, can you believe she asked me to resign, anyway no matter you were going to have to anyway. BTW are you sure her style is going to be suitable for the role she's terribly abrasive. I do hope it all works out well. Big smile. Move on to something else more positive.