AIBU to worry about future bullying because of a birth mark

[HeavyMetalMummy]

DD is only 7 months old so I know this is a long way off, but comments and questions etc have left me worrying about the future. Basically DD was born with a totally harmless but very obvious birthmark on her forehead and one on her eyelid(looks like a 'V' on her head and a bit like she's got a bruise on her eye) MW and HV have both noted in her red book that its a birthmark "to make sure it's not mistaken for abuse" which I get, I really do. But there have been incidents since then which are making me worrying about how it's going to affect her as she's grows up and becomes aware of herself and how she looks.Incidents include children asking 'whats that?' and 'does she have eczema?' (both questions which I've had to answer and have done so in a relaxed, friendly and informative fashion. After all they are only children) Total strangers commenting on 'how their children had something like that' (totally unprompted BTW), family members asking what the docs have said about it sticking around/going (DD's GGM, got to love the 'to the point' approach of a woman in her 80s) and most recently at a doctors appointment the first words out of the docs mouth were 'thats quite a rash' I'm genuinely worried that when she starts school etc kids are going to be awful to her about something which in my mind just makes her unique. She is a beautiful, bright, smiley and sociable little girl and I don't want those traits to be hampered. AIBU to worry about what to say to her or think about what could be done about it? NB I don't think anything needs to be 'done about it' but I worry that if it impacts her confidence in the future that perhaps this is something that might need investigating.

Ime it is a complete waste of time to worry or try to predict whether your child will be bullied or not in some distant future. Bullying can be centred around a multitude of features- shyness, perceived swottiness, birthmarks, red hair, being fat, being thin, being very pretty, not being pretty at all. There is only one defining factor and that is the presence of one or more bullies. And as long as you teach your little girl not to be one of those you will have done your bit as a parent.

All my DC disappeared including one on their face. Could it disappear do you think?

I think the best thing you can do going forward is be confident and informed about it explain what it is and why it's there and not make a big deal of it.

Obviously when she's older though!!

Is it a 'stork mark' ? So red and not raised? My DC both had them on their eyelids and forehead and they faded massively by about 18 months and are now only visible if they get annoyed then The redness raises a bit.

It will fade by the time she starts school. I had a DC with birthmarks on both eyelids and forehead. By the time my child started school you could only see the eyelid birthmarks if they'd been crying or overly tired and it would flare up. Normally you can't tell, certainly none of their friends noticed.

I look back at baby pictures and it was so red and angry, we were concerned for a while. I wish I had MN to tell me it would eventually be fine. I'm sure it'll be the same for you and your DD.

I honestly don't think the kids at school will be an issue. They'll get used to it quickly.
But you (and she) will have to deal with strangers and the involuntary "oh that looks sore" reaction they have before knowing it's not. Lots of people have no internal filter and will ask / say something about it. It will get very tedious but I think the sooner your dd learns a "don't be silly, it's just a birthmark" response the better.

I have a fairly similar birthmark and although I did get bullied it was nothing at all to do with my birthmark. I can only remember one occasion when somebody said something really hurtful and that was when I was working front of house at uni and one really drunk idiot said something totally inappropriate.
I do get people asking if I'm ok a fair amount, or pointing out my 'rash' but I've just learned to live with this. It comes from a place of well meaning so I don't let it bother me.
I went through a phase of using camouflage make up in my teens (which was pretty good 10 years ago!) And did look at getting it lasered but it is close to my eye so was higher risk and you have to stay out the sun and it's many treatments and I decided it wasn't worth the hassle although I do know it gives very good results.
It is our imperfections that make us different and as I've got older I am almost proud of it and have been told several times it adds to my beauty

Please don't make it into a big thing because it really isn't.

I have one.

I don't give a fuck what other people think. I don't care what they say. It's my head, my birthmark, and i honestly don't worry about it.

People ask me what it is. I tell them it's a birthmark, end of conversation. I have never even been vaguely bullied over it.

What has always pissed me off is my own mother regularly dragging me to the gp. The endless referrals to dermatology, only for them to say the removal scar would be bigger than the birthmark, and for me to refuse surgery again.

The making me grow a fringe to cover it, buying me make up and foundation to cover it.

I have imperfections. This is one of them. Deal with it.

DS1 had quite an obvious red one on his eyelid. He's 2 now and it's disappeared. You might find that they fade a lot, if not completely, by the time she starts school.

I've got one on my arm, which I get is completely different, but I still get lots of comments including from random strangers. Apparently when I was born my Gran was worried like you are (she's got a big birthmark on her neck and was self-conscious about it). First thing to say is that mine hasn't faded, but it also hasn't grown so what covered my whole forearm as a baby is only about a square inch as an adult. Second thing is that your DD will feel about it how you encourage her to feel about it. I love mine, for a variety of sentimental reasons (including that it's a link to my very beloved Gran), which is all because my parents were unrelentingly positive about it. That means that when people ask about it/comment, I don't mind at all. You can do that for your DD too - it will be more important than anything any other child ever says

The charity Changing Faces supports adults and children with conditions that affect their appearance. They are great and have lots of resources. Google them and give them a call. I have a facial disfigurement and know the charity well.

We are struggling with something similar. My one year old has a bald patch on the back of her head - about the size of a 50p - from a blood draw done whilst I was in labour. Our GP has confirmed that it's scar tissue and no hair will ever grow there.

I have no idea if we should have it 'fixed' (scar tissue cut out under GA and scalp stitched), or just let it be.

I have no idea what to do, but am also wary of bullying in the future.

I've got a birthmark on my forehead, it's faded over the years but noticeable if I'm upset or angry. People only notice it if I mention it, my niece has one exactly the same as me.

I was never bullied about it or the fact I was teeny tiny and skinny. I expect you are overthinking. Enjoy your baby and if anyone mentions it say " it's a birthmark, she's had it since she was born".

I would find out what (if any) the treatments are, just so you know. If it's a stork mark, they often fade. If it's more of a port wine type mark, I don't think that will fade naturally.

I know of someone whose DS had sticking-out ears. The parents didn't do anything about it because they felt it would look like they were being vain or superficial about the ears, bigger minds don't bother over things like that, it was embarrassing that other people would think they thought their child wasn't perfect just as he was, his ears were a part of him etc, etc. The DS was teased a little. Eventually he had them done at 18, was very happy with it, confidence increased tenfold and now the parents say they wish they'd had them done for him when DS was small and in fact they worried more about what others would think about them for getting him treated than anything else.

Just saying this in case you might feel the same about any treatments in the future. Maybe you and DD won't care, but if you do, there's no shame in correcting something that can be corrected.

Hmm. My sister had a dark brown birthmark (not the sort that fades, more like a large mole) by her nose. My mum is convinced it contributed to her bullying in primary school - in fact she thinks Dsis was even treated differently by some adults. DSis had it removed at 7 and my mum wishes she'd done it younger.

So whilst in theory it of course shouldn't make any difference to your DD or the way she is treated, I can understand your worries.

I don't think anyone would do any "treatment" on a baby however so you have plenty of time to consider the options.

Unfortunately bullying people because they are different is a fact of life, and children can be especially cruel. It is highly likely that someone will take exception to your child at some point, and for a bully a physical defect like a birthmark is an ideal starting point, something for them to latch onto and try to get other kids to join in with the abuse.

But don't worry too much, it's not like you can do much about it - I certainly wouldn't recommend surgery at present, your child is far too young.

Remember too that bullies will always find something to pick up upon, some difference or character trait or perceived weakness in their victim. With your child it may be the birthmark, but even without that, a bully will find something with which to taunt the victim.

Sadly stares from adults are not that uncommon either. Human nature is to look at something "unusual" about a person. It is how we have evolved, in the past we absolutely needed to make instant assessments and judgements of strangers because misunderstanding the situation could be a matter of life and death. People with visible disabilities often think that this is just adults being rude, staring at "the freak" (and no doubt it sometimes is), but equally it is just human nature. Something is different, and we don't instantly know what it is, so human curiosity is to look and make up our mind.

My advice is simple; either hope for an astonishing change in basic human nature or teach your child to grow a thick skin!

I have a number of birth marks, including a browny one about the size of a fingerprint on my cheek. I don't remember ever being 'bullied' at school, I had the odd 'you've got poo on your face' from time to time and once a customer in the pub licked his finger before attempting to wipe it off

But I think it's more about how you deal with it tbh - mine was described as a fairy kiss by my mum when I was tiny, and once I was old enough to really worry I had glasses and frizzy hair to take the mickey out of.

It might fade, it might not. If you deal with others' reactions positively and supportively now then it shouldn't become an issue when your lo is older

My daughter had a strawberry hemangioma (sp?) when she was born. It was really obvious as on her face and after a couple of comments from strangers I was convinced she was destined for a life of people staring and making fun of her. It had almost completely faded by the age of 4 and now you can only notice it when she's tired or poorly and only if you knew it was there in the first place.

I have a large port wine stain. I did get bullied for it (and other stuff). It will happen but if you're aware you can deal with it.

I think there'll be nosy questions during primary school and thats OK, its a healthy part of learning to deal with the issue. It's something you will ahve to put up with, I'm afraid.

I'd make sure she goes to a strong secondary school that cracks down on bullying and make sure she know to speak to people if she gets grief.

If you don't make it into a huge thing then it won't be for her- ginger kids get much worse grief.

Take a photo now. Review it in a year. It might fade a lot, or if not you can consider the different options/treatments for having it either removed/trying to fade it.

Chances are by the time your DD gets to school it will have faded but YANBU to want a strategy for dealing with comments, as they come.

My DS (11m) has two highly visible birthmarks which are gradually fading, but were livid red and raised for months. I find "it's just how he's made" is a useful sentence whether it's back at a toddler or an 80 year old stranger!

Worrying is like permanently carrying around an umbrella, just in case in rains.

Nothing you can do, OP, and for every horrible person there are ten kind ones.

Velvet if you had the choice, and it was possible, would you have wanted your port wine birthmark treating as a child?

Interesting minipie. I have one just like it by my nose. Very noticeable. Yet when the bullies pounced on me in junior school, they didn't seem to care about that at all: they called me fat (photos from the time show I wasn't), ugly (photos suggest actually quite pretty) and swotty (well, they may have had a point there). Just goes to show that bullying isn't about the victim, it's about the bully.