To feel uncomfortable with my identity as a mother

[ShastaBeast]

First off my eldest child was unplanned and that meant I had my two kids in my 20s when I hadn't established a career or home as much as I'd have liked when having a child, and most other mums are noticeably older so more 'established' in this area (London suburb). I'm sure that had an impact but I can't be unusual, half of pregnancies are unplanned apparently.

I feel like an oddity, misfit and all these other mums fit into a naice middle class mould I can't identify with at all. There are superficial aspects like Cath Kidson changing bags and Bugaboo buggies etc but it's more than that. Are there sceretly loads of other mums feeling the same but hiding it? I don't enjoy loads of aspects of being a mum but do love my kids. I tend to avoid other parents because of how I feel, plus some crap experiences with judgemental people which backed this up. But am I really in good company with others feeling exactly the same and thus need to kick myself up the bum and trust people more? I have a background of bullying and anxiety so it's not easy to break down those barriers. I do know my parents had much less pressure than parents now and we're far more relaxed/neglectful in comparison.

You're feeling uncomfortable because other parents are wealthier and older than you are. Have they said anything or is this all imagined.

you're not alone. i really felt this way when my eldest started school and i came into contact with way more mums than i had before. It reminds of being at school again (and not in a good way). Maybe you just need to find your tribe? fortunately most self-identify through clothing: there is a particularly large tribe at my school, all of whom wear joules woolly bobble hats...
try to be open-minded. some of my best friends are nothing like me, at least not outwardly. maybe they're a bit intimidated by how young and gorgeous you are (I'm 39: going to the swimming birthday party with the 20-something mums was tough and most of the older mums simply decided it was dad's turn to accompany their off-spring. i went and had loads of fun). most people feel insecure about something.

There are loads of people out there who feel the same. I tend to think those people in the fashionable 'tribes' are probably the most insecure, otherwise they wouldn't try so hard to fit a certain mould.

I really struggled with my identity after my DS was born, felt that everyone else 'got it' and I was missing something, like I didn't feel something I was meant to. Hanging around with other mums at groups made me feel worse.

Don't asssume those mums are feeling any different, but also as someone said above, keep an eye out for people you can connect with. I used to head towards the scruffy mum covered in puke rather than the stylish designer mums. It only takes 1 or 2 friends that you can be open and honest with and things will feel better.

I always thought there should be a secret handshake or a little badge for mums that means "I don't know what the fuck I am doing and I'm lonely and miserable" so we could spot each other. (Not suggesting you are lonely or miserable OP but I know so many people who felt this way but couldn't admit it).

I'm still a relatively new mum of 10 months but sympathise op as I think I'm going to feel much the same. I've never felt I fitted in really, with the exception of the occasional close friendship group or work department, and the same seems to be extending to mumship! I think it's totally normal to feel the way you do. However, if it's getting you down it might be worth investigating the root causes of your feelings - if you can, you need to get to a point where you realise none of it really matters and that you just do what you want/need to without feeling judged (or indeed judging others) but it's easier said than done.

Remember there will be plenty of well-off, older, comfortable, established mums out there who appear to be totally sorted but are actually hating the whole experience. Just as there will be people who seem to be failing at everything yet are loving it! It's all relative and subjective.

Just focus on what makes you happy as you are, not as you think you should be. {flowers]

Our school is a real mix of people, from trendies to scruffy and dads and older parents and carers and younger ones too. Everyone gets along, I've found just talking to them like people and ignoring whatever clothes, shoes, bags, buggies etc they have tends to get good results. I just say "Hi" to parents I recognise from the gates/my child's class whether I know them or not, then I might pass comment whilst we are waiting for the children, just "what did you get up to this weekend/is your child going on that trip next week/did you go to the school fair" type conversation.

The only one who has been funny with me is one mum who was reverse snobby with me. Although I'm not "posh" and I don't have a gang or a tribe, or a Bugaboo, I turn myself out well and I'm always being told that I look too polished (in a nice way). Also I speak Naice for the area. One of the mums sneers at me, in a bit of reverse snobbery, I think she judges me negatively on tidy appearance as she's more the opposite. If we're in a group together chatting she doesn't say anything but just smirks and shakes her head at whatever I say, she won't make eye contact with me either. I invited her child to my child's party, she didn't respond and when I asked her in passing she said she had loads of invitations and couldn't be bothered to respond to the ones her child wouldn't be going to stuff like that. So it can work the other way too.

Some of it is that we are younger and less well off and that's a fact. But it's trying to see what is real and what is imagined- either because of how I compare myself (unfavourably) or because of how others want to come across. And it's not all superficial and material, I just feel I don't enjoy motherhood and not fitting the mould could be amplifying that. I'm trying to break down my barriers and perceptions that are possibly wrong and unfair. People are most attracted to people like themselves because that feels safe. I'm struggling to see myself as being able to identify with being a mum. It's definitely easier as the kids are older, being a mum to babies and toddlers was much worse. I was a SAHM for six years and hated it - couldn't afford to work. We aren't actually poor but relatively speaking we are as having kids young is an economic disaster, mostly due to house prices rising so quickly and not being able to buy when cheaper because we were too young. I don't think I count as glamorous though, whatever age, I'm now nudging mid 30s anyway.

I wish I could've found the other "haven't a clue" mums but it never happened. I'm now working and it's a relief not to be in the school playground as much, even if I don't fit in at work I feel more comfortable about that than being mum as my main identity.

Oh I'm the same OP. Tried to mix in around here when we arrived but gave up long ago. The popular mums all have a little tribe. It's kinda opposite here, they are all young mums and all have the same bags/buggies and big 4x4s. They are so boring, I couldn't take it for very long!

I think the first trick is to stop thinking in terms of 'mums'. Men don't wake up and go "how do I find my tribe of dads? Where do I go to meet dads? What kinds of dads should I hang out with? What kind of dad am I?"

I never got into the whole 'mum' thing, mum as a label, y'know? I was also young, over ten years younger than the other parents, and to me it was no big deal but they were all over it. "Oh, you have a house? Oh, is your husband wealthy? Oh, are you a bit dim about contraception? PLANNED, you say, well, aren't you a little go-getter." So, yeah, no fitting in.

I didn't make special efforts to 'meet mums'. I picked up interests and went to classes, workshops and events - photography, science, technology, programming, choir, art - and met people there. Just people. Whether or not they had children didn't matter. I wasn't out to 'meet mums' and they didn't see me as 'a mum', we were just people, chatting, making friends. Socialising. Like non-parents do.

And it's so refreshing to be talking about things other than puree and nappies. Outside nursery no one seems to want to talk about anything non-child - it's naps, it's toys, it's who's looking after who. I had a nursery mother I've never even made eye contact with come up to me the other day barking at me demanding to know what primary school we were applying to, and proceeded to list her opinions about all the local schools. I had to bite my tongue. Primary school gates, everyone might break the ice chatting about their kid, but years later and christ almighty, they're still at it. Someone talk about work! TV! Film! Music! What are you doing this weekend! ARGH.

I guess my tip would be that if you don't actually fancy this whole mumsy thing, just don't do it. Be you. You, with your friends, your life, your interests. Pursue them. You are more than a mother and it's not the sole label you should be hoping to define yourself by.

I think lots of people feel that same and hide it well while others don't even consider this - some people aren't very introspective and only think in very literal terms. I look like a scruff most of the time and also much younger than I really am and so the middle class mums who are my age (and can I say, wearing some seriously expensive clothes just to do the school run) don't talk to or accept me. Most of them have moved in to our London borough but I've been here for years and have an accent to match. But on the other hand I am often underestimated by the other group, when they hear what I do for a living they are often really surprised. No one believes my age either.

I can't offer you any words of advice I'm afraid but you certainly aren't alone.

Cozumel, that's what I want to do I just feel I've missed something. I love doing stuff that isn't child friendly and I hate spending time in the park or on play dates. It's much more a reflection of me than other parents. I'd probably be friends with some if it wasn't initially based on having kids. I feel like I shouldn't have had kids even if I wouldn't give them up for anything now. It's just rare to find anyone who would admit the same. I don't fit in and don't want to fit in. I've never fit in before anyway.

We are middle class professionals with naice accents and a mortgage, but it's relative and I do look younger as well being a bit young. I have no clue how I'm perceived. I spent some time out of my middle class bubble and met some great people who I fit with much better. I'm actually, working class in disguise, so can get things 'wrong'. It is like there are rules I don't know about. Motherhood is just a big step up with more rules.

I like being my children's mum mostly, but hate being labelled as a "mum" as I don't identify with what that means. I'm not maternal. Most of the time I prefer the company of adults and animals to even my own children, though it's getting better as they are getting older and less dull. I find talking about babies and children dull and leave everything school-wise to DH.

I actively choose to spend significant lengths of time away from my children and often don't think about them much while I'm away.

People think I should be grateful because for many years I didn't think I'd be able to have one, let alone two and they thought that I was gutted and wanted them desperately - and I let people believe that. However, the truth is, I didn't really care one way or another.

I can see that they are awesome little people and love them dearly, but I think I will like them more when they get older and decide they hate me

I'm like this but the reverse like Monte: I'm old(er), educated and have a career of sorts whereas most other mums are young, fashion-conscious and love to have the right 'things'. If I try to arrange something that fails I convince myself it's me that nobody wants to meet with.

I saw having a baby as a new opportunity to make friends (not why I had one!), but going back to work has meant I don't have the time to see anyone anymore, so feel as lonely as before. I'd love to behave like Cozumel, but don't have the opportunity to 'escape' very often. Geographically opportunities are limiting anyway.

I'm middle aged, middle class, got a two hundred pound coat etc. I have never felt right as a 'mum'. It's ok, in fact it's normal.

I'm not having another kid because I struggle with motherhood (despite relative privilege and adorable kid). I look at mums with more than one and think I'm not part if their tribe as they obviously love motherhood more than I do and can cope with double or triple the parenting tasks that I can.

i don't like this tribe nonsense. i go to a lovely mum and toddler group. lots of different people there. mums, dads, grandparents all from different back grounds and everyone seems to get a long. admittedly they are all about 10 years older than me but thats never been an issue and i forget my age. stop worrying about who you think you are or should be and just do you! i swear no one else is looking at you thinking anything. just loom after yourself and enjoy your kids.

I used to feel the same OP. My DC is in year 8 at high school now so I rarely come into contact with other parents but at primary school it was standing in the playground twice each day with other parents. I never found my tribe and always felt a little bit awkward. I assumed it would change over time but it didn't. There were parents of kids my DC was friends with so I occasionally chatted to them but never had a group of schoolyard mum friends.

I eventually realised that it didn't really matter but I had presumed that once DC started school such friendships would form and was a bit miffed for a while.

Maybe I smell ?!!!

I've met more mum friends going back to work than I ever did in the school playground. Probably because I spend more time at work, forced socialization and all that. We're not friends because of being mums or dc though which I think is more genuine, we socialize outside of work and kids.

I don't think it would matter if I did have a £3m house etc I still wouldn't get it or be part of it, whatever 'it' is. I have two £200 coats, £200 boots and a £1000 handbag but they don't mean I fit in. It's so intangible really, the age and wealth are contributing factors but by no means the main reason for feeling uncomfortable with being a mum. I know I didn't fit in at school but it's so much bigger.

I do notice the uniform/tribe thing around here. These possessions which signify middle class respectability, a belonging. I don't understand it. I hoped some fellow misfit mums would be here as I've identified with posts before, however there are so many more posts on 'rules' such as brands or what fabrics are acceptable to wear or what kitchen appliances or kids clubs. You even get the reverse rules ridiculing the same brands or questioning whether showing every day is wasteful. We're forever defining ourselves and our worlds and I don't get it.

Shasta, I GET you. When you said:

"I love doing stuff that isn't child friendly and I hate spending time in the park or on play dates. It's much more a reflection of me than other parents. I'd probably be friends with some if it wasn't initially based on having kids. I feel like I shouldn't have had kids even if I wouldn't give them up for anything now. It's just rare to find anyone who would admit the same. I don't fit in and don't want to fit in. I've never fit in before anyway."

I feel this too. I also have a history of bullying and anxiety. I worry that not enjoying the "kid activities" makes me a bad mother. If it weren't for DFiance not having children of his own, I know for sure that I wouldn't have another. I don't think I'm Mum material, I actively avoid making friends in the playground. I work full time so I don't fit in there when I do pick her up sometimes.

It's weird though, people often tell me I'm a great Mum. That I should be proud of my DD (and I am!). I love her to death but I don't think I'm a natural mum. I'm great at the emotional and supportive stuff, but that's just me as a person. I know I should try harder with the "get down on the floor and push cars around for an hour" stuff.

I don't know what the answer is, really. I suppose all that matters is that DD thinks I'm the best. And my own identity is just "Funky" with "Mum" as an add-on.

Also, I've always felt like a bit of a mis-fit. This of course will extend to mum life, as well as work, home, school etc. I did hope that motherhood might "fix" that, with the whole common-ground thing. But nah. I'm not really that bothered, I'm used to feeling like an outsider looking in!

Hey, not dissimilar to me Shasta! Working class kid, other kids sneered at 'posh' accent but now adults sneer at 'common' accent, can't win, naice mortgage/career/blah... and no real desire to do The Mom Thing. I mean, we have kids and we love them, but we're more than that.

I was just having a rant to my DH today after an article on that Highgate Mums twitter - you know the kind of thing, 'posh' mums making 'funny' comments about their obsessions with Joules, houmous and 'not looking common'. I found it rather annoying, actually, how can I laugh at people sneering at people like me? But in the end it's all about division - how we as a culture seem to get up on dividing and re-dividing ourselves into tribes that are characterised by sneering at the tribe we see as 'beneath' us - and if we're at the bottom, sneer up! Some do want to wear the right labels and do the right things so they can fit in - just look at those who openly admitted they went to NCT classes rather than the free antenatal ones because they were buying 'a better class of friend' - and others, yeah... we just don't play the game, really.

Hopefully in time you'll come to see more mums like yourself in your area. They probably won't be at Baby Mandarin or Café Avócádó, but maybe stuff like library storytimes, they're generally popular with a wider variety of people. That said, if you're in a wealthy London suburb you might find, I guess, a whole lot of wealth. I'm in a quite a mixed-class Northern town, but there are some wealthy places nearby I feel really uncomfortable in, in that I know I'd never fit in there because I wouldn't even try. We were walking in one at the weekend, and it was all loud conspicuous parenting and the bold colours of the top labels, and I was a bit agog at it all. Nice... just not for me.

Maybe there's a nearby town that's got a more mixed population? You could check out their toddler groups or activities?

I got the posh thing at school but sound fairly posh now, people would be shocked and I volunteer with some very very wealthy people. I'm in a mixed area but the school isn't representative. I attempted the local kids clubs but it's even harder to fit in when most people are speaking to each other in other languages! I had lived in a very wealthy area and did the whole NCT thing and met people who were nice but did seem to fit better with the mum thing and buying the right brands. Whereas my straight forward northern working class ness sometimes got me into trouble without me understanding why, even years later. I did NCT because my husband's friend suggested it, she is the biggest try hard on the planet, cares so much what people think of her, the most judgemental twat but also seriously insecure. Working class, similar unhappy homelife to me but she was determined to be uber, organic, homemade, perfect mum. I'm quite scarred by her behaviour and that could be part of it. There was more to it.

But really I'm out of this and don't need to try at baby groups or library story time. It's sad I felt like that and struggled, and more so how many women feel that now but can't be honest. Now I'm working I have less time on the school run. I don't want to be friends with school mums but it does hurt when I'm not asked to sign the cards for the teachers yet again. Doesn't help to also have the child with additional needs either.

Trying not to fantasise about childfree life, or count down until I have two kids in secondary school so no more enforced parental socialising - I'll be 40 and it will be fabulous, don't tell me otherwise.

I do love my outsider friends. The only issue with misfit friends is we aren't a group, they are all one on one friendships.