Why is it usually the woman who gives up work?

[Firedoll]

I'm on mat leave and have been asked 30+ times if I'll be going back to work and, when I say yes, if I'll be part time.

My DH has never once been asked about his working hours since our DS was born.

And if I say yes I am going back to work I get "oh, will your DS go to nursery/will you get a nanny?" The idea that my DH could look after DS for some of the time while I'm at work just doesn't even enters people's heads.

I don't blame people for asking because they're just making conversation. And it seems they are making a reasonable assumption as if one of the couple is going to give up work/reduce their hours, most of the time it will be the woman. In my experience at least.

But why is this? I see so often on here people saying that their OH couldn't go part time or is the higher earner. But all the latest reports suggest women in their twenties are now out earning men so that can't be true for the majority.

Is it just a cultural thing?

I do find, as a British person living and having children in the US that there's an interesting culture difference here compared to the UK. In certain social circles, there's a very strong drive for everyone to get a great education, get a great job, pursue their career wholeheartedly, so many women really don't want to give that up when they have kids. Almost no one assumed I would give up work when I had DS and those that did were generally much older women.

Of course here, short maternity leave is the norm. So if you breastfeed beyond the first few weeks your options are either give up, give up work, or get used to expressing. The impact of short maternity leave seems to be ( in my circles) that women don't opt out/aren't forced out of the workplace and aren't gone for that long so it doesn't affect progression in the same way.

What I see of my friends in the UK is that a startling number stop work when they have kids or put their career very much on the back burner. It's a cultural thing I think.

We are lucky in that we are the same age, both earn around the same and are both civil servants. I took a year off with both my kids, at the time we got 6 months full pay for maternity leave so, even though we both dropped down to 4 days a week, when I went back to work, we could still afford me taking a full year off with the second. There are massive advantages to us sharing the childcare, things aren't done "my way", we both do things our own way, I've never had to worry about how DH would cope when I went out for the evening or even away for a week, I always knew he was perfectly capable. I'm also not stuck, now both of the children are at senior school, wondering how to get back into my industry or having to take a poorly paid term time job, in fact I've been promoted. We do slightly more hours now, but there's someone at home when they get in four out of five school days, so it all works out and we both get to enjoy (ahem) bringing up our children.

Just to clarify Chipmunk, you're saying that you had to marry a man who earned more than you, so you could be a SAHM when you had children? What if your husband had wanted to spend more time with his children?

Kissing, I agree that one advantage of sharing childcare is knowing your partner is just as capable as you to look after your children. Personally that's a relief for me due to my mother's poor health - if I need to drop everything to go to her, I can. But I feel it should be a given that your partner can look after the children you had together!

My DH and I are both going part time, with me doing slightly more hours, as this is best for us. Whilst most people think this is great, several have asked him what he will be doing with his time, will he have any projects, work from home etc. No-one has asked me that!

I had a great maternity package and was bf so it made sense that I stayed at home but went back to work when DD was 9 months. DP worked very flexibly so was around a lot during that time and when I went back to work we were lucky enough to get by with 3 afternoon sessions at a fantastic nursery .
DP eventually gave up work and was around for DD as she started school. I am so glad he did as today in the 2nd anniversary of his v sudden death. They were a fab little team and she really got time with her dad.
It is whatever works for you as a family however I think the assumption that mum stays at home/goes part time remains. I know I was horribly judged at times but not as much as I am now as a full-time single parent!

So sorry for your loss will

I think not enough people properly think through the tax advantages of two part-timers rather than a full-timer and a part-timer/SAHP. For us, what we plan to do (both of us doing a 9 day fortnight or 4 days a week - not quite decided yet) is a lot more tax efficient because we're both just into the higher rate tax band - it would mean paying a lot less higher rate tax across both of us, whereas one of us doing 3 days a week would take that person quite far into basic rate tax while the other was still paying a fair amount of higher rate tax.

Very true, kissing. The year-old leaves here are a bit of a poisoned chalice in some ways, especially if you want to have more than one child. Tons more people express in the US. I couldn't afford to take an entire year off, but it seems on MN very commonplace and posters are utterly shocked if another poster talks about how they have to return to work when the baby is 6 months.

Dh earns more, I hated my boss, wanted to...

I guess the difference for me, chipmunk is that I consider it advantageous for DD to have a parent at home. So I went voluntarily went back to work while DH chose to stay at home with DD. I'm a bit by a posting earlier on this thread that suggest I lack maternal interests just because I wanted to go back to work. Out of my groups of female friends, 2 because SAHMs, 3 went back part-time and I went back full-time. From time spent with them, I appear to be just as maternal if not more so. I just don't want to stop doing the job I love. (DH is an awesome SAHD.)

OP I wouldn't complain... i'm the higher earner by a mile and would love to have the option of being a SAHM.

But yes in our leadership team meeting last week when the HR business partner talked about some of our (mostly male) employees being the sole breadwinner I did have to remind everyone (all male except us) that increasingly some women are also in that role - quite a number of my good friends, in fact.

I had always had rich boyfriends but ultimately the one I fell in love with was skint and I choose love over money any time. My DH is an awesome leader in his field, it just doesn't pay well. He's an awesome hubby and housekeeper too

Are there actually blokes out there who want to do this? Christ mine would be horrified at the thought.

U.S. Maternity rights are a scandal IMO!

The proportion of SAHDs is still tiny.

My wife initially gave up work/went part time on the basis that she had a proper career and could always walk back into a job, whereas I'm a jobbing civil servant with no great prospects or in demand skills. I kept plugging along while she did a few hours here and there to pay for the holiday etc.

Everything was accepted by everyone as "normal"

This year I have gone part time/term time and my wife has gone back full time. We are better off, her professional experience is bang up to date again.

I had to get the union to back my request to go part time/term time. Work rejected my request until the union politely pointed out that several women were on similar work patterns, including one in my team, and it would be sexual discrimination to turn down the first man who had asked for it.

I'm glad I had the choice - I wanted to be the main carer. It bothers me when I see men much less good at my job much further ahead because they can travel and work long hours but at the end of the day I never miss a school event, I rarely miss a bedtime, I get cut slack at work for having small dc and I still earn a good salary. If my DH wanted to jack it all in and be the primary carer i'd have to give him a shot but I'm not honestly sure I'd be happy about being usurped.

But of the mothers I know personally, none of them have chosen to share with their DPs, even when their DPs have wanted to.

Same here. It's not always 'ingrained societal sexism' or whatever some want to believe. Many, many women would rather be at home with their children than splitting the ml or even going back to work. Women have a choice you know

Finances... Your partner can take the upaid part of your mat leave not though if he earns less.

We've done a mixture of everything over a 17 year period
U can't see any wrong or right way. Employers are the problem rather than society imo/e

A lot of posters seem to be answering the wrong question. The OP didn’t ask “Why is it that women take the majority of the 12 month’s leave the government allow after having a baby?” (to which the patronising ‘Duh, biology’ answers would have some merit), but rather why it is assumed and often the case that the mother does not go back to work after mat leave or will work part time (in a lot of cases taking on a more junior role in order to do so).

One big factor that only OOAOML has mentioned is the lack of fathers either requesting or being granted flexible working hours. It is a lot easier for both parents to reduce their hours by 20% and maintain their position than it is for one person to drop down by 40%. DH and I both do 4 day weeks and the DC are in nursery for 3. Pick ups and drop offs are alternated so it is not always me having to leg it out the door early. I am in a senior role and this has allowed me to maintain my position whilst providing the right work/life balance for our family. DH is one of the only dads in his office with a flexible working pattern but they were really accommodating and I truly believe that if more men asked it would become more commonplace.
There’s a saying “You can’t be what you can’t see” and I think this is very pertinent here.
I see many friends where the mum hasn’t returned to work or finds it too stressful to manage because the DH/P works long hours and couldn’t possibly help with childcare or pick ups and I can’t help but think if it was a woman doing the same job she would make it work. There’s still a real culture of presenteeism in office work and whether they realise it or not, quite often they are choosing to work late. I was guilty of it myself before having DC and becoming super efficient - it’s amazing how much crap you can cut out of your day when you know you have to leave bang on time!

The period of your life when you have small children is really not very long in the grand scheme of things and employers need to be much more accommodating to parents of both sexes - it is very short-sighted to lose such a high percentage of skill and talent from the workforce.

There is also the social value to work which again only OOAOML has touched on. We all contribute to society both in and out of the home. Do we really want to go back to a time when all the decision makers, all the people in power, all the doctors, judges, politicians are men? I work for many reasons, but one of them is that I believe my job to be adding value to society both in the organisation I work for and my role as a manager and mentor to other people. And of course to buy shedloads of plastic tat

I haven't read the full thread. I had to go back to work almost ft after having our daughter because we couldn't afford for me to work any less. I took 9 months maternity level then worked 4 days. I earn more than dh. It worked for us, I found maternity leave hard as I missed my job and felt isolated. 4 days gave me a nice mix and, being a teacher, I had regular half term breaks and holidays. This time, dh wants to take shared Parental Leave. He is desperate, in fact, as he wants to experience being a sahd. He feels like he missed out with dd. I'll finish in January just before the baby's due date and go back in September when he takes over. He may go back part time after if he enjoys it. The amount of people who tell him how 'brave' he is frustrates the crap out of me. Its his choice and I support him. MIL seems to think he is some sort of saint because of the sacrifice he is making to his career. Even though we are both teachers so we aren't sacrificing anything. I've progressed up the ladder and will be undertaking my senior leadership qualifications next year. Dh is a main scale teacher and has no desire to move up at all. We will both just slot back in to our respective schools and carry on. I've had comments like 'aren't you worried the baby will think he is the mummy?'. Seriously. Each parent has the right to choose whether they work or stay at home (finances permitting) and it really should be based on what works for each family, not who is male and who is female. My maternal instinct is very strong. I love being with my dd and the best part of my day is picking her up from school. I work long into the evening after she has gone to bed to be able to pick her up at 4pm every day to get that quality time in We are lucky as we are off with dd during school holidays so have lots of time together. We parent 50-50. Dh wouldn't want it any other way and neither would I.

Slightly different, but tells a similar story of attitudes to mothers: When DD was turning 3 I was asked what I would do with all the spare time I would have when she went to nursery. They were so surprised when I explained she'd already been at nursery since I went back to work, so I wouldn't have any additional time. I was at work or I was with DD. I couldn't understand their confusion - these were people who knew me and knew that I worked at the time!