Sexism or attitude problem?

[Zaratall]

Since dh and I got married, I've noticed mil has started trying to make me responsible for dhs family birthdays, events and such like.

It started with an invitation, an invitation to a family member of dh. I've never met the family member and hadn't even seen or heard of the invitation. Mil asked me to get back to them as they needed to know. I passed this on to dh, dh told mil to go through him because I didn't know about it, but mil seemed put out and remarked that she'd told me because she knows dh doesn't have time.

Since then she'll usually come to me about birthdays, Christmas presents, remind me to send thank you cards, remind me about upcoming events.

I spoke to my own sister about this and she thought I was complaining about nothing really and women just do sort these things. I think she thought I had an attitude problem.

Now on one hand, dmil is kind and has always been really generous to me on my own birthday, so I could think would it really hurt me to reciprocate to make sure they get their presents on time.

On the other hand, coming from a very large family myself I have over 20 people to remember for myself, and I wouldn't dream of asking dh to take responsibility for this. I already do help dh. Let's say his mum asks for a specific thing if dh can't find it he'll say he'll just give the money or worse buy something else, something hideous, but I'll find the correct gift for him, I'm happy to do this, but I'm busy myself being the main parent to two children and having a job. But he only has a small family so I'm sure he can remember to get them gifts and send cards.

I don't want to take on all the responsibility, if he was single he'd have to do these things for himself. I also thing he should set an example to our children that men can be bothered to remember birthdays.

I wonder if there's a polite way to absolve myself of the responsibility for these things.

It might be something as innocent as making you get more involved in their family/your dh might be useless at this kind of stuff and she wants you to step up instead. I actually have a sexist mil but she'd never get me involved in things like this as my dh is great at managing his family/social engagements.

If you have 20 of a family yourself, I wouldn't dream of taking this on.

Get your husband to raise the issue with his mother.

Good grief, YANBU. His family, his responsibility to sort out.

YANBU. The fact that she was upset and said DH is 'busy' when DH told her to go to him says it all. She is setting you up to do the 'wifework'.

I'd put it down to a generation thing. She thinks it's normal for the women in the family to do that sort of thing. Best way to counter it is too keep passing requests on to DH and for him to pick them up and deal directly with her.

YANBU, it is actually his responsibility and no matter what anyone says about how 'some men just aren't very good at that sort of thing' they ARE capable. It's just laziness and the expectation that the women will deal with it.

You have enough people to remember as it is.

Just deflect and avoid, if you want to go for a low impact way of managing the situation. My in laws spent a long time contacting me via text instead of dh, about things relating to events, birthdays and the kids. I often forgot to reply (genuinely, mostly, I had too much to do as it was) and would just forward the text to dh. It has taken 8 years, but I no longer get asked about this stuff. I don't know what they must have ultimately concluded about me. Perhaps that I'm disorganised? That is partially true anyway, and even if it weren't, I wouldn't mind too much. Everything is still nice and warm between me and them.

Maybe an approach that takes eight years to bear fruit might not be the instant result you're after, only, every time I got a text gently drawing me in to thinking about an event or birthday affecting Dh's side of the family, I forgot to reply (did not engage) and when it was brought up in person, I would just say, 'oh yes I saw that! Sorry I didn't reply, Ive just been busy' or 'I wasn't sure what to put in reply so I forwarded to dh as he knows more than I do about person/event/birthday'. There was an initial surprise there, maybe even a disgruntled surprise, but I've got my own shit to deal with, they had to get past it.

They still address cards to me to Mrs. Dh first name surname. I have ceased to be a person. I am now an add on that ideally should be organising, buying and beautifully wrapping gifts and cards and keeping up correspondence and the like. Great big bollocky bollocks to that.

FIL gave me DH's spare van keys the other day to 'look after because dh will lose them'. I laughed and told him no chance. His keys, his responsibility.

Could you maybe just laugh it off?

Thanks.

Didileavethegason I like your style. I don't want any kind of confrontation over this because it seems so petty on it's own.

It's not as though I want to cease all communication I just don't want the status quo to be that I'm responsible for it all.

You need to read Wife Work

My MiL (lovely lady, no bashing please!) always emails me about birthdays, Christmas plans etc. I will reply but copy DH in. She will reply, omitting DH. I will reply, copying in DH... I think I'm fighting a losing battle, but I will keep trying...

Ah yes, that culture of 'wife work' in our society that leaves women with condsiderably less time and brain space than men.

I'm resisting it too. And it's hard to do so politely with someone who is encouraging it from cultural norms and not realising they're being sexist.

I reminded myself just this weekend, when STBMIL phoned me to chase something that my fiancé/her son should have got back to her about, that she is doing so because her DH has never dealt with any of these matters and it's all been on her.
So I'm not rude, but I do say "I'm not sure as your son is dealing with this. I'll make sure he gets back to you when he gets home." And then ask how she's doing and have a friendly chat.
I like her. And I want her to like me. But I don't want to take over buying his DN's gifts or arranging the timings and menus for their visits over Christmas.

Having said that, he is doing more of the work on our upcoming wedding than I am, and his father told me she thinks I'm clever for letting him get on with it, and his mother keeps chuckling over how into it he's getting. So they're starting to understand our dynamic, I think.

X post with Olenna about Wife Work. Yes, read it OP!

Olenna your emails with your MIL

I have tried that tactic carrick but they don't find me very funny.

I generally just say I'll let dh know, but I'm concerned that next I will start being blamed when he does nothing about it.

I'm also Mrs Dhfirstname Dhsurname, despite the fact that I haven't even changed my name.

IT is wife work. Whether you do it or not depends on your private arrangement with your dh. In my case I do 2 days paid employment a week to dh's 5 and part of my work during the other 3 days involves keeping in touch with his side of the family (co-ordinating get togethers, buying presents, remembering birthdays etc). But there should be no automatic assumption that you do this.

I just say I.don't know anything about it. I sort my family I expect OH to sort his so you need to talk to him. At first his sister and sil were surprised but they are fine about it.
And I live in a place where when I told my midwife I travel for work her first concern was how/ what did my OH eat every night!

Another vote for wifework.

Last year I was quite ill and for the first time ever I insisted that DH take over responsibility for the Christmas present buying for his side of the family - more of a burden than it sounds as my family is smaller and we have no-gift agreements.

I believe the technical term for what he achieved is "clusterfuck". Everything was inappropriate, vastly expensive, or both. I think his family was quite startled.

I've had enough of this shit, though, and I am forcefully channelling all these requests via him wherever possible. There are a few things I'll still handle, eg we always give FIL a photo gift with the DC on and I quite enjoy designing that. And I JUST LOVE WRAPPING so I handle that too.

But invitations to Great-Uncle Steve's 90th birthday party? NMFP.

I have the opposite problem in that MIL tells DH all sorts of things about dates and family occasions etc - which he forgets to pass on to me. She then assumes that I already know because she's told him, so she doesn't mention anything to me, and is then surprised when I have no clue what's going on.

DH knows about it, but forgets that it was her who told him and thinks I did, so he is also surprised when I say that I don't know.

Both of them now think that I am a complete scatterbrain and forget things all the time...

My MiL has done this on occasion. She's lovely and and my DP is very disorganised so I understand why she does it. I just forward the messages to my DP and tell him he needs to sort it. Then I tell my MiL that DP will sort it.

It's something to make sure your partner's aware of as well though, because people raised in that sort of atmosphere can tend to slide into the idea that they can offload the annoying shit onto you, once they're married.

I did it by making it very clear to DH early on, that luckily for him I did not expect him to have any involvement in my family/friends birthdays/events/christmas presents - I buy/arrange/deliver and he doesn't need to worry his pretty little head about it.

And then I refuse all involvement with anything on his side. Obviously one/other of us will do basic kindnesses - if I'm going past a particular shop and he asks me to pick up a particular thing for someone then fine, or if he wants to discuss what his mum might want for Christmas, fine. But nothing more than that. No thinking about it.

Wife work. Pisses me off.

If you don't like confrontation just do what I do. And don't do it. It takes some balls because you will miss a party or two or something else will get missed. But it does send a message.

The only person I make an exception for is lovely SIL. She has a shit, sexist wanker of a DH who 'forgets' her birthday. I always make sure she gets something. But then I consider her a friend not a family member.

do you have the same mil as me?! i was made to feel guilty for not getting a birthday card for someone who i hardly know! yanbu, she needs to back off you