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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the teacher shouldn't of said this

44 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 30/11/2016 01:56

So I have an autistic son he goes to nursery and for the first few months in fact up until 2 weeks ago nursery asked that a parent was with ds while he was there because he was having melt downs and I just don't think the teacher wanted to deal with him.

That's not the issue the issue is that between my self and dp we managed to take him on one occasion ds's teacher commented to dp that she was glad it was him there that day because ds behaves much better for him.

AIBU to think that wasn't her place to say and although I'm the first to admit ds behaves better for his dad than me I like to think it's because he can relax more with me and let his true self out it was a little out of line for her to comment on it.

At that time ds's dad and I were breaking up he was using every little thing against me and although she wasn't to know this surely she should of kept that to herself.

I'm fully aware I could get flamed for this but I just wanted outside opinions at the time I was considering speaking to the principle.

OP posts:

Marmalady75 · 30/11/2016 08:33

Could it be that she meant he behaves better with his parents (either/both of you) than he does for her. She could have been meaning that there was a lot happening in the nursery that day that could have triggered your son and she is glad that one of his parents was there as she would have found a meltdown tricky?

MrsDustyBusty · 30/11/2016 08:38

On the face of it, I would say it's inappropriate. But also an odd thing to just say, it simply doesn't sit right that she'd blurt that out from nowhere. I really would consider my source here - if she said it I'm pretty sure there's a whole context your ex has left out.

VintagePerfumista · 30/11/2016 08:59

Your point is, tempocalypse?

WaggyMama · 30/11/2016 09:04

Context.

" glad it was you there that day because ds behaves much better for you...." I have two members of staff off and I know you can manage whilst I deal with other things.

" glad it was you there that day because ds behaves much better for you...." I can't be bothered today.

timelytess · 30/11/2016 09:13

Teachers sometimes say the wrong thing, just like anyone else.

You are taking your insecurity about your parenting skills and using the teacher's casual comment as a rod to beat yourself with. That isn't comfortable, so now you'd like to beat the teacher with it instead.

Your autistic son has meltdowns. That will always be disruptive in a mainstream setting. Any teacher would be glad to have a parent or key worker present to keep your son calm or deal with him when things are too much. That's all.

Is your ex a 'better parent' than you? It doesn't matter. Have a quick mental review of your own relationship with your son - do you do anything that sets him off? No? Then put it out of your mind. No matter what the ex or the teacher says, you are the expert on your son, you have to trust your own judgement. Your life is challenging enough, dealing with your son's needs, without having to take on board the teacher and the ex as well.

Trust yourself and don't worry about the others. They only matter to you if you let them.

SpookyPotato · 30/11/2016 09:20

If everything was good with my DP then this comment wouldn't bother me at all, many kids will relax more with their mums and may not be on best behaviour. But if I was in your situation during a bad breakup then I would be sensitive about it too- but the teacher probably doesn't know.

BusterGonad · 30/11/2016 09:34

I agree with timelytess, teachers generally deal with facts, she was stating a fact, one which you know is true. My sons teachers are very matter of fact about his education and all things surrounding that. My husband is far better with him in regards to behavior and dealing with it. It's a fact, it pisses me off that I'm not as good but that's life. If my sons teacher said the same I'd be pissed off, but not really at her, just at myself for not being as good with bad behavior.

Original poster

Standingonmytippytoes · 30/11/2016 09:41

I believe she said it. It's not something he would make up he wouldn't get pleasure out of telling me it if it wasn't true.

Ds does behave better for his dad but his dad is quicker to temper than me our patenting styles clash quite a lot.

OP posts:

Colby43443 · 30/11/2016 09:42

Why are you annoyed by someone who made, by your own admission, a truthful comment? Is your ex still using it against you?

PickAChew · 30/11/2016 09:48

Missing the argument with the ex out entirely, are the school doing anything to learn your ds's triggers and support him, seeking support from the la, as necessary, or are they planning on using you as a free TA indefinitely?

Trifleorbust · 30/11/2016 10:07

You may believe she said it but you don't know she did, or the tone or the intention. It may have been a particularly difficult day for your DS and she said, "Oh I'm glad you were here, he does behave better for you", which, as a comment adult-to-adult, isn't inappropriate.

And I have to ask the question: if he got no pleasure from telling you, why tell you?

CaraAspen · 30/11/2016 10:09

It was an inappropriate comment and very insensitive.

Mynestisfullofempty · 30/11/2016 10:21

She said something about your son's behaviour, that you know to be true, so what has she done wrong?

Trifleorbust · 30/11/2016 10:23

I think the root of the problem may lie with this part of your post, OP. I really don't mean to tell you how you should feel about your DC's meltdowns but is it possible that the teacher (perhaps naturally) prefers your DH's parenting style because he does more to manage the behaviour?

ilovesooty · 30/11/2016 10:30

Oh well. If you've decided that she said it even though you only have your ex's word for it, despite the fact that he has a history of undermining you, perhaps you'd better march up to the nursery to complain.

Meadows76 · 30/11/2016 10:34

Actually I don't think the teacher said anything out of place. In terms of the development of your son it is important to communicate anything that indicates a behaviour change. The fact that your son coped better with his father there rather than you isn't a dig, it's just a fact and you can turn it into a positive if you choose to.

CockacidalManiac · 30/11/2016 10:38

*shouldn't have

There's always one cunt on these threads that do this.

VintagePerfumista · 30/11/2016 10:41

I reported it Cockacidal, hopefully HQ will delete the twat.

DoofusMcXmas1 · 30/11/2016 10:57

My (NT) ds has meltdowns in the morning at school, he just doesn't seem to cope very well with everyone in the playground at one time (although he's fine any other time). Both DP and I discussed it with his teacher as it's upsetting for everyone and we came up with a plan. I dropped ds off, using said plan, the next day with no meltdown. The next day DP had seemingly forgotten the plan and reverted back to 'normal'...cue humongous meltdown. I dropped ds off the next day the way we had planned and there was no issue. Teacher said 'thank goodness you did that, yesterday was awful for ds. He appears better for you'. DP didn't take offence when I told him, he actually apologised for not doing what was agreed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're making way more out of this than you need to and I'm in no doubt your p is relishing in your distress about an off the cuff, but factual, observation. If he wasn't intending to cause upset he would have stayed schtum.

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