In laws and Visits

[user1480458852]

Hello

Just after some advice.

Background - My In Laws are obsessed with our nearly 7 month old baby (1st Grandchild) they never ask about me or my husband all they are interested in is our baby. I quickly realised I was an incubator for the grandchild - which is fine! They invite us to their house and if we have other plans they seem annoyed. We have very busy life's but always try and see them once or twice a month.

Since my baby was born they have visited our house on a few occasions maybe 2 times, once when my baby was born and then at a later date. They always expect us to go to their house which is about an hour and half drive. I'm exhausted, my baby doesn't sleep through the night and during the day she is a stickler for routine and naps. Without naps she is very grumpy. All of this is making these trips to the In laws difficult as our baby can't sleep at their house, the routine goes to pot and they are so full on with her at times it's too overwhelming for my baby and me. My baby likes being outside getting fresh air but the in laws just sit in doors all day so this makes my baby even more agitated and grumpy. I feel bad but visiting them is hard work.

Is it wrong that I feel they should be visiting us more at our house instead of us going to theirs? It's hard going out and about when your exhausted too. Do you think all they are interested in is seeing the baby and are not thinking about me and my husband and how exhausted we are making these trips to their house? They never seem interested in us. Surely it should be a 2 way effort. Perhaps we need to make more of an effort to invite them to our house but surely family should be able to call anytime and say "Are you free, we would like to come and see you".
Also any visits to the in laws need to be coordinated when ALL 6 of them are not working (MIL/FIL/BIL/3 x SIL) as they think it's not fair that some see the baby and others don't (especially the MIL) . Which is difficult as visits are very much when it suits them.

My husband works very long hours, sometimes night shifts and he agrees with me but is reluctant to say anything.

Any advice?

Ta

Wow you both need to put your foot down and put your baby first... Why would you care if they flip out over it...? Honest question! What do you actually have to loose?? Think about it. They throw their toys out the pram and refuse to see you = result!!

I've gone NC with my mil for similar crap but there is NO WAY in hell I would EVER allow my baby in a house full of smokers or let them smoke in my house, it's a massive SIDS risk.

Google the books 'toxic parents' for your DH... And 'toxic in laws' for yourself.. Both by Susan forward.

Start enforcing your own boundaries or you will endure years of this shit and so will your baby

Abso - Thank you!
I don't care any more... too much has happened that I'm past caring! I'm trying to ensure my baby has relationships with the wider family but it's proving to be very difficult and I spend way too much time worrying about pleasing these people who don't care about me at all. It's so sad, not at all what I expected from them. Prior to the arrival of my baby there were no problems but since she has been born.... they have changed so much!

onedrive.live.com/?authkey=!AH2AH0n34GtQie4&cid=683D791457B2DCA4&id=683D791457B2DCA4!385&parId=683D791457B2DCA4!428&o=OneUp

^^ free pdf of the book

I bet if you think about it properly they haven't really changed, it just didn't affect you in the same way before you had a baby... Children bring everything to sharp focus and your crap tolerance level (should) decrease rapidly!

Good luck.

Also Google the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) it will help you and your DH

OP, don't let this become the norm - just stop the visits to them. Your baby is your priority and if she is truly so important to them, they should be prepared to put her needs first.

My grandchildren (and my own children) are precious to me. I want to do the best for them, and for their parents - which includes giving them space and falling in with their way of doing things. It's my job to support them, if needed - not to make their lives harder. I cannot understand grandparents who want to make themselves the focus of everything and I wouldn't indulge it.

Be strong and take charge now - because I can guarantee it will only get worse in the months and years to come.

YANBU.

Email or call "Are you free, we would like you to come over".

Re "Also any visits to the in laws need to be coordinated when ALL 6 of them are not working (MIL/FIL/BIL/3 x SIL) as they think it's not fair that some see the baby and others don't (especially the MIL) . Which is difficult as visits are very much when it suits them."

NO! Mad, visits should be at your convenience as well and you should be able to see different relatives on different day.

Talk to dh, plan together ; if he struggles to execute the plan you help to put it into practice. It may be easier for you to stand up to in-laws. Just make sure he backs you up.

Your in-laws are BVU. You have enough to contend with. My family never visit. I do all the running, taking food, presents and home baking, driving hundreds of miles. I get a birthday email, no phone calls, the very occasional message. I feel pretty much taken for granted, but they are busy, and having just retired, I have more time than I used to.

They sound very controlling and manipulative. This is not a healthy relationship. You need to stand up for yourself here. They will use tears and tantrums to get their way. You can choose to ignore it and just let them carry on - it's their problem.

Is there any reason why they refuse to come to you? Like medical problems that make driving an issue etc?

If there aren't, then I think it would be extremely reasonable for you to state that you and the baby are tired and can't do the journey, but that they are welcome to visit you instead. If they ask why you can't come, you can bring up the need to stick to a routine for your child, and the fact that your lives are really busy. Be a firm rock - you don't need to get angry or frustrated, just keep repeating the same thing, immovably.

Keep inviting them. What excuses do they make?

How do you get to their house-do you drive? A lot of cars play up this time of year...!!

Lose your car keys one weekend, shouldn't be too difficult with a crawling baby .
She's also going to get the the stage very soon where she's not going to be happy in the car for two long trips in a day.
Also Yanbu, me and dd would hate to do that so regularly.

Yanbu at all, assuming there is no real reason they can't come to you eg. Unable to drive.

But the smoking is absolutely unacceptable, you shouldn't go to see them at all, until they've visited you a few times and you are confident they've got the message that smoking is outside only when baby is around.

Also your dp needs to grow a backbone and tell them how it is, not you!

'm trying to ensure my baby has relationships with the wider family

Mm. Good in principle but the relationship your PILs want isn't healthy.

1. the smoking
2. if they throw tantrums and refuse to talk to you for weeks, then they're taking the My Way Or The Highway approach. It's not a normal or healthy way of handling relationships

I think you're entitled - actually, given baby-exhaustion I think it's actually necessary - to offer them times to visit and to step back until they show their willingness to adapt to you and your baby's routine.

Are they really interested in the baby, btw? Given their tantrums it sounds to me like they have no interest in their son or you and that perhaps this baby is cute and a bit of a possession to them. I think that if that's right (if) then when she grows up a bit and gets her own mind, they'll start playing the same unhealthy games with her so contact should be fairly limited anyway.

Regarding the tantrums, I think the best thing is to let them get on with it, tantrum away and speak to them pleasantly when it's all over. Stop thinking of them as adult emotionally, and start thinking of them as emotional-5 year olds

Smoker here. No way would I ever smoke in my house with a baby or child present. Before I had children myself I still smoked outside, it's not a hardship to stand outside for five minutes. Everything you've said about your in laws sounds awful, but the smoking thing is the nail in the coffin, personally I wouldn't be visiting them ever again. Where do they smoke when the visit your home?