To hate the inequality of it.

[Luvwales74]

So I work very part time self employed. At the moment maybe 20 hours per month. I do maybe half when dh I'd available to look after DC and the other admin half I do around caring for dds aged 12 10 and 4. Dh works maybe 40 hours per week in a well paid job which covers all the bills etc.
During the week he does nothing around the home. I cook ,clean, do the laundry etc and look after Dd3 when she isn't in nursery and ferry older two to their many activities. I am alsodoubt a couple of GCSE to help prepare me for returning to work once Dd3 is full time in school. The evenings do piss me off abut as dh usually sorts food out for himself and leaves a mess for me to tidy but I can't really complain as he does have a health condition so is limited in what he can do I. The evening anyway. Although he certain could wipe down a worktop.
Anyway this is the background. My current issue is about what happens when illness strikes.
All the DC have been ill recently and me to a lesser extent. All the additional work is comforting youngest in the early hours and multiple bedding changes etc falls to me. When I was ill I just got on with it.
Contrast with dh who pretty much took to his bed on Sunday leaving me to get on with the day to day stuff alone. In the early hours of Monday youngest was really poorly and I was up from 4am. Tbf dh looked awful Monday morning so had a day sick which he spent in bed either asleep or watching telly. Yet when I am ill I have to get on with it.
In fact obe day I was ill and dh was working from home. He couldn't even rearrange his day to do the breakfasts and morning school run when I had sickness and diarrhea.
AIBU

As z said I have done every night waking in 12 years bar maybe 2 when Dd1 got up and I was already up with Dd2. Even on nights I was working the next day and he wasn't. Hoe is that fair?

This isn't about who does what hours. This is about being treated with basic kindness by someone who is supposed to love you.

He sees you as a servant - there to look after his children and tidy up his mess. If you're ill it doesn't occur to him to pick up the slack, that's not his job is it? It's yours, no matter how you feel.

You should never have to ask someone who is supposed to give some sort of shit about you for help. He should just step up and say 'Rough night? Ok, back to bed, I'll sort this.'

That really isn't too much to ask, at all. Otherwise what's the fucking point in even being married? Why bother being with someone if they just make work for you and ignore you when you need them?

Sorry to hear that pug. He is not depressed as far as I am aware.

But there always will be an inequality due to your working hours and you being home based. If you can afford it then hire a cleaner to help out, but it's unreasonable for there to be equality in household chores while he's working full time especially when you consider that he has an illness. I think you need to take a step back, review what you currently do, and see if anything can be outsourced/dropped/done less regularly. Nobody will die if you do deep cleans less often!

I am perfectly happy to do almost everything during the week on an average week where things are normal. I do get pissed off with the crumbs left on a worktop I have cleaned earlier and it would be nice if we shared the late activity run pick ups in the evening or he could one meal in 5 say. Or maybe do one bedtime per week. All these things would make my life less fraught.
Or just step up a bit when I am shattered due to extra work caused by illness.
I always thought the mantra was equal leisure time and right now it really doesn't feel equal.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time Luv - your problem seems very clear and you're not asking for much at all.

Leaving crumbs all over the worktop is among the most disrespectful behaviour a spouse can engage in IMO. How long does it take to wipe crumbs? Yet it doesn't even occur to him that he should leave the place clean, he just does as he pleases and leaves it for you to tidy up. He just doesn't care.

I understand totally where you're coming from. This sort of thing nearly killed my marriage.

I can honestly see both sides here. I can see why you're feeling a bit resentful, I really can.

I can also see (going from what you've said) that he's working 40 hours a week whilst managing a health condition, coming home and sorting food out for himself, looking after the children whilst you work.

If he's working a 40 hour week, and his illness means he's tired in the evening and struggling to doing stuff at home, and you're starting to feel resentful about doing everything at home, then have you both considered perhaps he drops some hours at work, say 2 afternoons a week so he's at home in the daytime before his health condition evening tiredness kicks in.

Then he could pick up some of the childcare, housework and cooking on those afternoons.

Yes he does sort his dinner out. IE bung a pizza on oven or pick up a takeaway. He does childcare for most of my working hours outside the home. That is about half of my worked hours.
I think yes a shorter working week would be great but sadly it isn't possible.
I think I would feel better if he did more when he is home at weekends where we aren't out.

Knew I wasn't right today. Just attempted to go to local shop for supplies but had to rush back to throw up. O well.

So an update. He managed to bung some food in the oven for the kids as I wasn't up to cooking. Plates left on worktop and sink as it would have been too much to empty dishwasher whilst I went for bath/bed. Although I still ending up putting youngest to bed. I made a comment but it seemed to go over his head completely. Yes I think he does see caring for kids is my job and that I just have to take rough with the smooth. Incidentally he didn't seem particularly I'll last night unlike me.

Ill

Sorry you are still ill OP. Can you get some help today?
I am a SAHM so yes I do most of the childcare, all the night wakings and most of the housework. However DH is very hands on at weekends and he baths the kids most nights too. He cleans up after himself and if I was il he would make sure I got some rest.
You don't sound like you are in a partnership, you need to have a talk with your DH. Does he participate at weekends much? You mentioned a hobby...

That gives me 7 1/2 child free hours during the day to do shopping, work prep, homework and some of the bigger cleaning tasks which is a lot as we have a 5 bedroom house.

That is one whole hell of a lot more time than I have each day to get the same jobs done. DH and I both work full time with a 4yo and a 2yo. If my DH worked the hours you do - with as much child-free time to get jobs done in as you have - I would definitely be expecting him to do the lion's share of the housework. And no, I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving breakfast dishes for him to deal with. You also have two older DCs who are more than capable of helping around the house as well.

How many night wakings can you possibly have if your youngest is 4? The odd disturbed night with illness, perhaps, but I think you're over-egging the custard mentioning that. Especially given the amount of child-free hours you have, where you could just leave one if your jobs for an hour or so and get some kip.

He could perhaps be a little less precious when he's ill, depending on what his long term condition actually is. I have a LTC which means I'm at risk of hospitalisation in fairly short order if I don't take it fairly easy when ill, but there's ways around it - I get in the bath with one DC while DH takes the other one out, I relax screen time rules, I grit my teeth against a trashed house. There's ways to be ill and reduce energy expenditure, while still looking after DCs. My DH has had to be 'educated' that he can no longer take to his bed for a day or two if he's ill. He's still a bit of a dying swan if he has so much as a sniffle, but he seems to be gradually picking up on my irritation when he does this and is pulling his finger out.

Yet again, the low expectations that women on Mumsnet have of male partners strikes! Seriously, why do you guys put up with this crap? Life doesn't have to be this unequal!

When illness strikes, everyone tries to do their best to help out, to the best of their capabilities. That means trying to soldier on as best you can - not just abnegating all responsibility and taking to your bed. The only time that should happen is if someone is really, really unwell and honestly can't do anything else. There should not be one rule for mothers and another for fathers.

I do sympathise with you OP when you are ill, your DH should help out more but....
To suggest your husband takes 2 afternoons off a week to help out with housework is a laugh...I live in a different world to some on here, I really do.

So elphaba so are you doing two courses requiring homework and two hours prep for your self employed business? Only night wakings I now get is illness and there have been quite slot of those this week with 3 poorly children.
At weekends he does a hobby every 2ND Saturday afternoon. Most of the morning on that day is spent on PlayStation.

cross I can make allowances during the week as he is tired but there should be give and take when I am ill. Clearly last night there was not.
Also maybe spending the morning of his hobby day being hands on instead of being on the PlayStation would make me doing it all during the week easier to take.

I am asking for so little really. He couldn't even get his youngest child ready for bed when I was trying to recover from a tough week and a bad bug. The sane bug that give him the best part of two days off.

You could always leave him . If you left you would have to work more hours and sort childcare but it looks like you do everything anyway. He would also have access so you would get one night and every other weekend to do your own thing. Plus he would have to cook for himself and get himself a cleaner or something.
It's a drastic solution but doing everything and not being appreciated is shit. My ex worked a normal 40 hour week and spent the rest of his time getting stoned and being abusive. I worked part-time and still had to do everything in between getting beaten.
Life was bloody hard after he left but so much happier. My sons now help with housework and can use a washing machine. I hope that they will never see a woman as a household appliance.

I don't think the op is concerned about her dp not doing anything when he is not there, it's when he is there that's the problem! Most of us have worked full time, so I'm afraid the idea that he must have all the sleep and be waited on when he is at home just won't wash anymore. I would really love to work full time (work 3 full days), as I love my job, but DH will not cut down his hours & no other bugger is going to deal with all the nebulous unending crap that goes with being the one responsible for childcare.

So elphaba so are you doing two courses requiring homework and two hours prep for your self employed business?

No. Note I said I work full-time. I leave home at 7am and get home at 6pm five days a week and still have to do all the jobs that you have 7.5 hours a day child-free time for, often single-handed as my DH works away a lot and is not physically around to help. Ergo, you have enough time to get those jobs done, plus your work/study.

Your DH is obviously lazy, though, when at home but you're allowing him to be. Unplug and hide the PlayStation. I've imposed a rule saying that smart phones are for incoming calls only when children are awake, because I was fucking fed up of DH sloping off to the loo for 20 minutes with his phone or lying on the sofa pissing about on FB while I juggle two children.

Sorry you have been unwell and having to continue doing all the childcare. I work part time and my DH works full time but he still manages to do a lot of chores in the house, this is without asking him, he just does it, like the dishes, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom etc. I probably do most of the childcare, cooking, washing and ironing. OP, do you ever get any time to yourself? When he is lying around at the weekend on the playstation, tell him you are going out for a few hours. If he says anything, tell him he gets to do his hobby and get leisure time and you need leisure time too. I think you need to put your foot down, my dad used to bugger off to the football and pub every weekend leaving my mum stuck with us kids, my DH is not like this at all.

I always found that I could manage to get a rest even if kids were ill, cuddle up with them and have a break. When I was at work it was frowned on to need a nap during the day. I think that is why the stay at home parent does the night stuff.

Thank you for replies. Yes I was lucky that I was able to stay home yesterday and cuddle up with the little one even though I should have been at college. Thankfully older two walk to school and for once there were no after school activities. Throwing up at college probably wouldn't have gone down well. I still had to get up and make sure older kids got to school and take little one to school.
I think I was just gobsmacked that after telling him I felt dreadful and I was going up for bath and bed that he left kids downstairs and came up himself to watch telly even when he knew I was off duty. Little one came up looking for me to get her sorted for bed.

Sorry yes I do get some time to myself. I go to the gym when I can (once a week) although often that is during the day.