AIBU to give dp an ultimatum and grow a pair?

[chubbylover78]

I've been with dp 9 years in April and I am sick to the back teeth of the way he lets his ex talk to him and she gets away with it.
It's been a constant argument the whole time we've been together and I told him he has until xmas to get his act together and grow a pair of bollocks and tell his ex straight.
It's always been something that has bubbled away under the surface but a couple of weeks ago I lost it and have him the ultimatum.
It started this time when we were as a family funeral of all things. She called and sent a text asking "what the fuck he thinks he's doing closing his ds savings account" "He told his ex on his last visit to his ds that he would be closing down a savings account he opened for his son when he was born so he could put the money in his son's other account.
My dp is trustee on the old account and his ds is under 11. We looked at the account terms and conditions and the trustee is within rights to close the account on behalf of the child under 16. He went ahead and closed it and asked his ex for ds other account details but she refused to give them saying " she told him next time he sees ds they will all go and close the account together as it's ds account and he needs to be there" I've never heard such rubbish in my life, ds was a baby when the account was opened so why does he need to be there, it's not like ds has signed anything for the account. If he did what she wanted it would mean a 300 mile round trip to close the account when he sees ds and taking time away from the 4hour visit he has with him. Then she tells so that she wants dp off the other account (child trust fund) and she has asked for the paperwork for him to sign. My dp couldn't even remember being contact on the account let alone who it's with. If dp is the named contact on it then his ex has been opening his mail without permission and has no right to contact the people who have the account in the first place. The child trust fund isn't held in trust by dp but he's the contact and his ex is insisting he is trustee. No one, not even his ds can touch the money until he's 16 and then it only passes to him in name until he's 18 when he can then withdraw cash.
My dp just goes along with what she wants all the time and then moans to me about it. I've told him numerous times to tell her straight but then she uses ds to get to dp, this time it was the fact his ds has to speak to the people in the bank about the account dp closed. Load of crap as a child can't even open an account by themselves until they're 11 anyway and now she's going on about wanting the cash in a cheque (fair enough) and wanting to see proof of the amount withdrawn at closure unless she will take the matter further. I would love her to get legal advice and watch her get laughed at for being so petty.
It's getting stupid but dp says nothing to her about it and it's about time he manned up to her but he wont.
We're due to see his ds next month but I'm not sure I can go because I know I will say something to her but its not my place to.

Your post is pretty hard to understand but it doesn't sound like your partner needs to "grow a pair". It sounds like you're completely overreacting to a small problem that was caused by him in the first place.

Just butt out. It's not your business.

When two people are joint trustees, they both have to give their agreement before money leaves the account. So no, the wife won't have removed money from the jointly managed account.

I can see her point tbh, he's removed money from their sons account and it's currently where? If he's writing a cheque, it must be in his own account. Can't you see how dodgy that looks?

You need to tell him to stop moaning to you about her. And shut him down every time he does. And yes, if you can't not say anything, don't go on the visut

He's not moaning into a void, you've "told him numerous times to tell her straight" so you're doing your fair share of winding him up and exacerbating the situation.

Just start telling him "I'm not interested, stop telling me about this stuff, I'm not getting involved" and repeat, repeat, repeat.

And she is right, he should provide evidence of how much money there was in the account before he emptied it.

After 9 years, your partner should also have informed companies of his new address. It is not reasonable to have his post sent to his old address and expect his ex to send it to him.

I cant work it out!

From what the OP has posted, there is a child trust fund that he wants to pay the money into, fair enough. But then she says that he wants the child to benefit from the money, but he wont if its in the CTF as they cannot be accessed until the child is 18. So is there another account that the mother alone has access too? Thats the impression I got but happy to be told I am wrong.

Surely it's a parents right to see their child regardless of whether he complies with his ex or not
Wrong. Its the childs right to see their parent, regardless of how stupidly their parents are behaving towards each other. Children have rights, parents have responsibilities.

I think that there is more to this than the OP is saying.

Where you the OW by any chance?

I agree with people saying this doesn't seem worthy of your time and attention. Two separated parents disagree - your DP does what he thinks is best under the circumstances. How is that not 'manning up'?

Your ultimatum seems to be more like 'you must change how your ex behaves' than about changing his behaviour and that will not be possible. If it was possible to change other people's behaviour my DD would get me good birthday presents and put his teacup in the dishwasher.

It is a bit confusing. I understood from "she wants dp off the other account (child trust fund)" that they were both trustees on the second account, and she didn't want him on it any more. But looking again, I read that "The child trust fund isn't held in trust by dp but he's the contact". If the mum was knowingly the sole trustee on the second account it seems unlikely that she'd be drawing his attention to that by asking to have him taken off. She must at least think it's a joint account. To be honest it sounds like neither of them have been careful with their paperwork. Or did a grandparent set up the trust fund?

Are regular payments going into the trust fund or was it a one-off payment?

The money all needs to be in an account which neither parent can close on their own. Then the mum can't complain, as the money is safe.

OP, your partner was not clever to close his son's account and remove all the money. It's not surprising that his ex is unhappy with it. She shouldn't have given him full control over their son's money, but he is the one acting as if it is his, not his son's.

Why did he move so far away if he wants regular contact with his son and how would she be opening his mail without his permission?

OFGS, just send her a bloody cheque and be done with it! X

1. The account my dp opened for his ds was in dp name in trust so dp ex has nothing to do with it.
2. Dp wanted to put cash into his ds account opened by his ex.
3. Dp ex refused to give dp bank details so he has had to put cash in his own account so he can give ds a cheque.
4. Dp lives far away as he moved in with me.
5. I was not the ow as dp had split from his ex before we got together.
6. Dp is the contact for Child trust fund and his ex has nothing to do with it. Ex wants dp off child trust fund even though he can't touch it other than pay money in. He can't even remember being contact for ds but ex says he is.
7. Dp didn't know about child trust fund until ex told him so how can he give them his change of address.
8. The thread is going off from the original question to something completely different.

1. The account my dp opened for his ds was in dp name in trust so dp ex has nothing to do with it.

She's the boy's mum, of course she will be pissed of if her ex claims to be saving up for the boy (perhaps doubling his savings) then empties the bank account in question.

1. Dp didn't know about child trust fund until ex told him so how can he give them his change of address.

Then he can't complain about her opening letters arriving at her home, addressed to him.

1. The thread is going off from the original question to something completely different.

We can't decide if you are being unreasonable if we don't get the situation. If the situation is not the problem, but the moaning, then I guess that others are right, then, to just say that YABU to tell him to grow a pair rather than just tell him not to whinge so much.

The account dp opened only contained cash given to ds when he was born and nothing was ever put in after that dp never claimed to be putting cash in as ex has passion and wouldn't give it to ex.

Surely it's a parents right to see their child regardless

Parents don't have rights to see their kids, its the kids who have rights to see their parents.

Actually it sounds like you want her to stop talking shite to him because you want to be the woman doing that. You both bully him. LEt him deal with his kid and his ex his way.

Ex had passbook