To ask how single parents do it...

[R1nderCella]

I've been alone since DD was 6 weeks old and started working part time when she turned 6 months old. My DM took care of DD until 1pm, then I would pick her up and head home.

DD likes to be involved in cooking and cleaning and everything else which slows me down but hey ho, I'm used to it. It's always been this way and (most days) it is always fun.

My question is, as the title suggests. How do single parents do it? I shower whilst she's asleep, I have done every single 6am wake up, every night feed, every nappy change, toothbrush fight, bath time, food challenges alone.

DD is at pre school now, and last Friday I booked a sneaky day off work and just lay on the sofa and did nothing for 3 whole hours. It was bliss but I can't do that every week.

My DM is a busy caterer so I can't ask her to watch DD, all my friends are single so no help there, ExH - I have no idea where he is so no time there.

Disclaimer: I'm not complaining. DD is my whole world and I love her dearly. I think I'm just wondering how others did it/do it and if I'm missing a trick.

Ghosty don't know how you managed on your own with three children. That must've been so tough

I try to look at the positives - I find housework etc so much easier on my own as I have my routines and systems that make it easy - I never have to search for anything as I know exactly where everything is and it's all organised how I want it! Food is easier as we just have what we want, sometimes that's toast for dinner but it's by choice. Socialising is difficult but I have friends round when the kids are in bed and I even manage to date! Ok so a lot of my social life is in ny own living room but it's cheap and I'm a popular host with no man around to spoil our fun

I tidy and clean as I go along mostly, so never have huge jobs to do, cut "stuff" down to a minimum so there's no clutter - DC don't really need many clothes, for example, and be ruthless about culling toys and things that are no longer needed. Don't be ashamed to ask for help - my friends are happy to babysit on occasion and if I "rotate" them manage to get the odd (very odd!) night out, but it's something.

Their dad, although he left for another woman, did and does have them though - 3 nights a week - so I do get a break

and while he can be a giant twat we have generally managed to keep things amicable

Nothing constructive really to add but I think that single parents are incredible. It really is a 24/7 job where you are always the second priority, you can't get sick, you can't just do as you please.

for everyone finding it tough.

It get ms better as DC get older. They're more independent, can get themselves dressed and help with housework etc. I sometimes feel guilty that I expect a lot from my DC compared to their friends, but at the same time it feels like we're a little team.

I was a single parent since my DS was 5 months for quite a few years. I would have found it much much harder without my friends, especially the (single) parent friends I made. We had so many play dates, sleepovers, looked after each other's kids etc. the worst thing for me was I had always lived in shared houses with friends and found it very hard and lonely being the only adult in the house. Sounds like you're doing great OP, but try not to get isolated.

Pounding what a great post. And everyone else too sharing their stories.

I've been a single mum since my 6yo was 3 months old. I was 18 and an apprentice with no where to live. Scraped together enough for deposit on a horrible ex-council with fag burns in every carpet, in the biggest hell hole in the city. No one else would touch it and I got a bargain. Slowly put every penny of my wages into it, we literally sat on deck chairs and walked on bedsheets and rugs until I could afford to replace everything. I remember my dinner most nights would be DDs leftovers, toast and tea . Worked full time and taught myself to wallpaper, lay flooring etc by watching vids on youtube. After a just over a year (of hell!) managed to sell it for £££££s more than I bought it.

I then bought somewhere more suitable and worked my arse off, doing extra courses at night. Took DD to disneyland where we lived like princesses for 3 nights. Met someone who acted like prince charming but was actually an EA and PA prick as soon as he got me pregnant. Left him when DD2 was 6 weeks old.

She's 2 now and I finally feel like things are getting back to normal. Every day is a massive bloody struggle, it's a mix of exhaustion, work and coffee, but little by little things are getting easier. I've got myself a new job, learned to drive, started shifting the debt and am looking to buy a nicer, bigger house. Just praying for the day childcare costs for 2 aren't crippling me anymore!

But if this thread shows anything it's that we're all extremely strong, capable women. Should be proud of ourselves.

I manage by being super organised, doing an online shop on the bus for example. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel tired, and I usually go to bed with DS. To be honest, I think dealing with a school day is going to be a lot harder logistically than working round work-friendly nursery. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I try to always be prudent with money and avoid frittering so that I can afford to do nice things too, going out with friends very occasionally, the odd theatre trip.

I changed jobs to something confirmedly 9-5, which is fine but not want I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I see the present as being a time to be weathered.

Winnie - I'm so sorry.

I think hope that things will get better is what keeps many of us hanging on in there until it does. I can see why you feel trapped and robbed of that hope if working isn't an option. My DSis has two children with autism and I know she's found that incredibly limiting because working wasn't an option for her either.

Are you getting all the help you can get, financially and practically? Can you reach out to other single mothers in your area in similar situations? IME the most help comes from those with least to give IYSWIM rather than from the authorities/charities. Someone who really understands because they've been there/is still there can be your biggest support. If there really isn't anyone, the SEN board on here can be really invaluable.

Thank you Hamiltoes I agree with you - we are but a small sample of a much bigger group who are proof that far from Jeremy Kyle stereotypes most single mothers are amazing, strong women making the best of a bad situation and in many cases not only surviving it but triumphing over it.

It gets much easier when the you are older. I rarely feel stressed like I used to. Mornings are annoying etc but they generally help me out a bit and we have a team theme going on

You get through the day, do what you can, say soddit to the rest, collapse into bed resolving to try again tomorrow. Wake up and repeat for a couple of decades.

And you have at least 3 other single parents on speed-dial and make sure you're there for them too.

I'm not sure how single parents do it. It's hard. You are all doing an amazing job, hats off x

Been this way for me for 7 years now - the dcs were tiny at the time.

It's the relentlessness of it all for me. Sometimes I just need space to think or I really stop being able to function. There are also flash points where it feels very hard. Xh works abroad so can go a month at at time without seeing them. I have a demanding job, they're currently at 2 different schools and I have no family nearby so that's tough.
Despite all that, we generally muddle along quite well though.

Single parents are amazing - true fact

I was a single parent from when DD was 9 months old , she's now 18 ! I did it ! I brought up a whole human being to adulthood all on my own !
And you all will too.

It's been really really hard though . Continued emotional abuse from ex , DD going spectacularly off the rails for some of the teen years (expelled from school, arrested etc). Money worries , juggling full time work and child care. I've actually hated it , which is so sad but I took one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time , I let trivial stuff like housework slide a bit , we ate more junk meals than we should have , I let DD watch more tv than would normally be acceptable . But , do you know what ? , none of it matters at all , it doesn't matter how you get there just that you manage to get there one way or another .

Never beat yourself up if you've served fish fingers again or if you haven't changed the beds this week it all pales into insignificance when you look back.

I've been a single parent for 8 years now since youngest ds was a newborn. The first year was really hard. But it does get better. My children are past the age that I need eyes in the back of my head. And in ways my life is a lot easier my my ex was ea and didn't do anything to help me. It's actually easier to do everything myself, I found it hard to accept my ex knowing I was struggling and not helping me.
And I've got used to doing everything and it's okay. But what I find the hardest is no one to share the good things with like when they do well in school or they do something funny. It would be nice to have someone to plan what to get for birthdays and Christmas. And someone who actually wanted to spend time with them. I know I'm doing a good job with them. I just feel they deserve more than me.

I love love love this thread!
It makes me feel sooo much better.

DD is 3. I seperated from her dad when she was just 1 due to DA.

I have almost continually worked but had to give up my management job after 3 months of consecutive childhood illnesses made it impossible to carry on as the directors wanted me to make up lost hours, I had no more childcare and frantically scrabbling around to find someone to take care of her or work at home was too much.
I earn half of what I did but we are happier. I finish work and that's it. I can be 100% present with her.
We have an ok routine. I go through phases where I feel I'm on top and winning, other times, like now, I'm knackard and use the TV too much and rely on pizza and fish fingers!
Night time routine is bang on. Every night. However I often fall asleep with her and wake up fully clothed at 2am, all lights on, no tidying done.
The hardest thing is the intensity of it, the relentless questioning and cyclical conversations, the over reactions that are normal for a 3 year old but grate so much. It's hard. My brain feels overloaded. However, I have tons of amazing friends, lovely mum nearby and breaks. Personally, as hard as it feels sometimes I have only got one child, (although this has its own issues!) mum lives nearby and I get a night off a week. I look at some married people and the emotional and physical Labour that can create makes me happy to be where I am despite having lonely evenings! (Though I do spend loads of time on the phone!)

I'm 6.5 years into being a LP. DS is 9.5 and has ASD. I'm lucky in that I have support from my family, but XDP has been completely NC for a year now. Maintenance was always a drop in the ocean (less than 10% of what I earned) so it's no great hardship him not being around. He was EA and although I would never tell DS that, he has come to realise himself that his DF is a waste of space - quote from him the other day "I hope being a loser isn't something genetic you inherit from your Father's side."

I work full time for the NHS and claim a small amount in benefits. In the last few years I've made new friendships and started getting out again. I've not really been interested in relationships, but I've been chatted up every time I've gone out recently. I don't know what's changed, but it's fun!

I still worry about money, but I got made redundant a few years ago and managed to save a little cushion that doesn't affect my benefits, but makes me feel safe. There was a time when I was having to buy food on my credit card because I was too overdrawn on my current account.

The best milestone for me was teaching DS to use the toaster and getting a pack of pop tarts as a 'special weekend treat' - the lie ins!!! He is now also learning to use the microwave, although he is limited to pizza, popcorn and jacket potatoes right now. He does bake a mean Victoria sponge too (I do the hot bits), he seriously is better at cracking eggs than I am!

At he moment he wants to be a celebrity chef and cook food for me and have a granny annexe for me at his house when he's older (not my idea, I think he worries about coping alone and seems to think he has to leave home at 18). I love that he thinks about looking after me in my old age because he acknowledges I work hard to give him all that he needs and wants and knows that his dad does fuck all for him. He is always telling me how awesome I am and how I'm the best mum. It's made the years of heartache with a tiny boy who was sad and angry because he didn't understand why Daddy left all worth it.

I managed ok until I became disabled. Kudos to all the lone parents.

rhoda. Your post is lovely.