to think if someone tells you a secret that's not to be shared with anyone, you keep it to yourself!

[tinselface]

I love my mum but she's terrible at keeping secrets! She has been told something which directly affects )in a negative way) a group of people I care for very much and was told that she absolutely must keep the information to herself for now.

At the first available opportunity she tells me then swears me to secrecy, even though we both know that if the people affected (my DH included!) find out I knew before them, they might be upset that I didn't tell them.

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - if I forewarn the people I care for then mum gets into trouble and a big fall out will most likely happen. If I don't tell anyone and pretend to be surprised/shocked (not sure which reaction fits!) when the news finally comes to light, I have to hope no one asks me if I already knew so I don't anyone or have to lie.

This is not the first time she has done this but usually it's happy news that has no real consequence if I know or not. It makes me think that I can no longer tell her anything I don't want the world to know and that makes me feel quite sad.

After our phone call ended, she rang back twice to make me promise I wouldn't tell anyone as she'd get into trouble and on the second occasion I was a bit shirty with her. I've told her she should tell anyone who tries to tell her something in confidence that they shouldn't as she can't keep things to herself, which upset her a little. I am sure IANBU to think that if someone tells you a secret, you should bloody well keep it to yourself, am I?!

So your mum can't keep schtum, hence telling you, your husband wouldn't be able to hence you not telling him??!!

But it's all going to come to light at some point & doubtless people will know that you knew because they know that your mum would tell!

I suppose it depends what it is & whether forewarning people I care about would be a kindness tbh.

YANBU and YWouldNBU to tell your DH if you choose to. Your mum obviously realises she really shouldn't have told you or she wouldn't have rung back twice to ask you not to tell anyone. It was really unfair of her to tell you.

I had a job once where people would tell me serious things and ask me to keep them secret, but my job required I acted on them. I learnt then to say to people, I can't promise not to tell anyone, I have obligations to look after a lot of people. It's not quite the same in a family situation, but you aren't obliged to keep other people's secrets. Equally, your mum isn't obliged to keep the secret she was told, but she is selfish to tell you and yet ask you not to tell your DH, she's basically trying to gossip without letting the people the information is important to know.

It's ridiculous isn't it to tell someone a secret & demand that they keep it to themselves-when you didn't!

It's awful of your mum to demand that you keep quiet when in concerns/affects your husband.

I think whoever told your mum did so in full knowledge that she would tell you and your oh would find out. Especially if she has history of telling things.
I think it would be unreasonable not to tell your oh especially if it is upsetting and if he later finds out you knew.
It might be best coming from you.

It depends whether the secret is the business of the person who told you, or of your husband. So, if my friend tells me something about herself and asks me not to tell my partner- I respect that confidence because he doesn't need to know, and she has a good reason for asking me to keep quiet. But if she tells me something that directly affects him, I'm going to tell him because at that point in time he needs my loyalty more.

I used to be friends with a couple, one of which would tell me her secrets and then tell me not to tell her wife. I say 'used to be' because it got to the point where I wasn't comfortable being around the secret teller. They are no longer together (because of the secrets and lies, who woulda thunk it?) and I'm still friends with the wife.

Do you have any contact with the original secret giver? Can you call them and say "Mum has told me this. Is it really true? Do you realise it affects my DH, I shall be telling him on Friday." Or something along those lines?

I do have contact with the original secret-spiller and the person who the secret is about but I don't think it's appropriate for me to speak to them directly about it. I couldn't do that without outing my mum as having not been able to keep her trap shut! My mum didn't tell me out of malice, the more I think about it, the more I think she just didn't think of the implications of telling me the secret.

When I speak to her next, I'm going to encourage her to go back to the person who told her to tell them I know or if she can't do that, to ask them to encourage the person involved to be honest and get it all out in the open. Once everyone knows, they can start dealing with the repercussions of the situation. For now I'm going to keep my mouth closed.

Going forward I'm going to make it clear that under no uncertain terms will I be the keeper of anyone's secrets as far as my mum is concerned and I will encourage her to do the same. She's not a bad parson, she just doesn't think sometimes before she opens her mouth (and this is by far the first time she has done this! The stories I could tell...)

Thanks everyone for your feedback!

Your mum might not have acted out of malice, but she can't be trusted to keep a secret.

If the person who told her knows this, perhaps they are hoping that the secret will come out via her?

It concerns her son in law after all!

I really don't think anyone can demand someone keep something a secret. You never know what situation they might find themselves in where they might have to tell. It's also not fair to ask a person to keep something to themselves and not discuss with anyone. That's a large burden on them.

YANBU. I'd be annoyed if someone put me in that position.
If you choose to share this information with those affected then your mother (and the person who shared it with her) have only got themselves to blame.
If you want a secret keeping then don't tell a soul!

I wouldn't keep that kind of secret from my Dh. If it affects him he has a right to know if you know.

i wonder how many other people your mum has told?

People who do this are selfishly unloading guilt of knowing & doing nothing, or taking pleasure in being 'the first to know' & don't care if it puts you in an awful position

I don't do secrets, I am not even that keen on surprises.

Anyone who knows me well enough to want to confide in me knows that there are no secrets between DH and I.

NI secrets, no lies. Life is much simpler.

There is some wise quote about a secret no longer being a secret once you've told someone it.... nods head sagely

Personally I can't hold my piss!

bet its about someone's Will !!!

If your mum told you she's probably told other people. tell your husband or erase it from your mind.
My mum used to tell me secrets, always, don't tell anyone, but she had already told my siblings.

I really want to know the secret now. When it all comes out can you tell us op?