Brother-in-law Alcohol and Drug Abuse

[GinAndTeaForMe]

My BiL is an alcoholic and dabbles with street diazepam. I found out about this some years ago when he came 'clean' to everyone and decided he was going to seek help. Whilst I was aware things weren't perfect, I didn't realise, perhaps naively, that now he continues to abuse drink and alcohol.

Speaking with my sister today she told me about recent events whereby my BiL was out of it, for want of a better phrase.

Sister and BiL are supposed to be looking after my son overnight for the first time in a couple of weeks. Husband and I now feel this cannot happen.

What thoughts do people have on how I go about this? Whilst I feel I can be honest with both of them, I am so worried about the impact this may have on my sister, who told me today that she is at the end of her tether. Her mood is low and she is feeling very alone

I can't help but feel responsible for making a shit situation even worse.

Well done for speaking to your sister, she knows you're there for her now and I'm sure she appreciates your honesty. Be wary of her minimising her DHs problem, it probably is as bad as you think it is, perhaps worse.
I was embarrassed about my DHs problem for a long time and would never talk about it, minimising it in my own mind even. One day he told everyone about it in some kind of attempt to face up to things. It didn't help him much but it did mean that I could then talk openly and honestly about the situation.
Listen if she wants to talk and don't restrict your family's relationship with her, she's not the one at fault here, her DH is

Your BIL is the problem here, and the reason for your sister's upset, not you. Your sister minimising it is her choice, but not a good one.

The fact that she doesn't want to tell BIL suggests she's worried about his reaction. I wouldn't do that for her: her relationship, her problem.

Having DC with an addict would not be good.

I did message BiL. He said he understands its our son, but that our decision is extreme.

I think it has driven my sister further away, she said that the one time she has spoken about and there is a horrible consequence.

addict "logic" and gaslighting.

There will be a lot worse consequences for your sister if she sticks her head in the sand. She knows you are there for her.

Don't feel bad about what you've said. It needed to be addressed and now she knows where you stand. Although she was upset and defensive, I'm sure she knows you are talking sense and care about her.

She's put you in a difficult position now by asking to you contact her partner. Perhaps best to keep that brief- you sympathise with his struggles with alcohol and drugs but don't want your child in that environment. If he ever wants to talk, you are there. You hope he can get clean because you'd love him to have a relationship with your dc..that sort of thing.
Hopefully he's reasonable enough not to fall out over this. It would be awful if your sister is cut off from you and further isolated.

Oh well, its your child at the end of the day. sounds like a bit of honesty in your family might not go a miss, then maybe he and your sister may get the help they need. My ex was a drunk and nasty to me in front of his nieces and nephews, once they are drunk they don't care who is there to see.

It's your child and your decision ultimately.
You will spend the whole time away worrying therefore won't enjoy yourselves.
Do you have any other family members that would step in due to the situation?
I think now his issues are out in the open so to speak he needs to be actively doing something about it.
Does your sis and bil have children?

Gosh what an awful situation. FWIW I think you've done the right thing and handled it well.

It's tough isn't it Gin - you want to be there to support your sister, but you have to put your children first.

My BIL has an alcohol and crack cocaine addiction. I and my children went NC last year. My DH has since followed suit, and finally SIL and her family. MIL and FIL are keen to support his 'recovery' (i use this term lightly because he is not taking rehab seriously, he returns to those who encourage him to abuse, and he refuses to acknowledge his drugaddiction).

We have said we are there to support MIL and FIL but that we cannot and will not have a relationship with BIL. For me this means never again. We are there for a shoulder to cry on for them, and we try to be a voice of reason.

You just have to be honest as you have been and hope DSIS understands. I have seen my BIL when he hasn't had a drink - a sober alcoholic is not a the same as a sober non-alcoholic.

• Sorry I should caveat that last sentence by saying an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in a couple of hours - not a sober alcoholic who has been through recovery! Apologies if any offence was caused.

Ofudginghell - they have no children, and unfortunately no other family nearby.

Thank you all for your support and advice.

Ginandtea I'm sure in your gut you know you have made the best decision for you but remember they are grown adults responsible for themselves so don't you feel responsible for upsetting them as a pp up thread said it's not you that's upset your sis it's her dh as this situation is about him not you guys.
Everyone makes their own choices and decisions in life and should hold no body else responsible but should accept their own choices and what comes.
If your sister chooses to stay with bil and support him that's great as it's her choice but you don't have to be in that situation and have chosen not to by not letting your dc stay over there.
I'm sure once she can normalise in her mind why you have made the choice you've made she will (should)gracefully accept your choice like you accepted hers to stay with her dh and not hold it against you or make you feel bad xx

You're absolutely right. Your response is truly appreciated. X