Argument with DB.

[jacks11]

There is a long backstory, but to be brief- DB and I are not close, pretty strained relationship due to his previous behaviour. I think we both find each other irritating and frustrating.

My dad has been diagnosed as in early stages of early onset dementia and has a lot of other chronic health problems. My DM does some caring (managing medicines, makes sure he goes to appointments etc). Although he is mostly independent inside the house his mobility problems mean he has to go out with someone. I'm a single parent now and as parents live nearby DM helps with school runs/pick ups most days and if I'm working at weekends. She and DD are very close.

DD and I are moving house and our new home has a "granny wing". After much discussion, parents and I have decided the best way forward for us all is if parents sell their home and move into the granny wing- provides stability for DD and means mum has help with dad if/when she needs it. Suits us all. DPs want to make some alterations to their bit, and as they aren't essential they have agreed to pay for these changes. That is the only contribution (financially) they will make to this. They are not contributing to deposit/mortgage.

DB has thrown an absolute strop because he thinks it is unfair. This seems to be because: a) he wasn't consulted; b)he wasn't given the option of parents moving in with his family; c) he thinks I am going to gain financially out of this; and d) he thinks it's unfair DD will see more of her DGP than his children will.

DB did know it was something our parents and I had been mulling over since DF's diagnosis. We knew he wasn't keen, but don't really feel we need his "permission" to do this. I have also tried to explain that I really don't gain financially, although do acknowledge that having DM around will help with childcare. DD and DM are already close, she does help me out with childcare more than DB/SIL and I do understand that might sting a bit. However, DB/SIL live 45 minutes away- DD and I are 10 minutes down the road. DB/SIL don't drive so for visits DM always has to do the driving whether they are visiting DB or the other way round. It seems to me that it's one of those things, not deliberately unfair but just the way it works out. FWIW, SIL parents live reasonably nearby and do help out a lot. So it's not like they don't get any support.

With regards to point b)- they live just over 45mins away from us, in a flat in town. My parents would not want to live in the town. Neither DB or SIL drive, and so DB would struggle to get to work if the moved out of town. SIL and DP's have a distant but cordial relationship- I don't think any of them would choose to live together TBH. DB and SIL are not in a financial position to buy a house, so it's all a bit of a moot point anyway.

I don't really care what DB thinks, but his reaction (and on-going attitude) is upsetting DF at a time when he's feeling quite vulnerable, which is also both upsetting and angering DM.

DB and I had an argument tonight over this and SIL has also given her tuppence worth regarding how "unfair" it all is. I don't feel he/they should have been given a veto- whilst it would have been nice if he was positive about the plan, ultimately it was not his decision to make. Now he's making things difficult (again) and we're all supposed to pay more heed to him than the needs of everyone else. He feels unfairly treated and left out. I sort of get how it could feel that way, but he is an adult and needs to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

I also suspect that the real issue is actually about jealousy/money and his suspicion that somehow I will be gaining from this. He is generally a bit like this about financial things. He also feels DD is favoured over his DCs and that DD is getting more opportunities than his DC because of the disparity in our lifestyle. I feel we both made our choices, and now we are where we are largely because of them. I have had some luck and help along the way, of course, but also worked hard and made good decisions. So I won't feel guilty about that.

I don't really know what to do now- I would quite happily let him stew but I know DF is stressed by this and wants everyone to get along. AIBU to not make some sort of overture to DB? This would grate with me- and I feel encourage DB to continue to feel "hard done by". WWYD?

Yanbu at all.

Its sounds an ideal solution for your parents.

I can see his point re you and your dd being favoured tbh.

There was a similar schism in my in-laws' family and the rift never healed. One side would never be convinced that the money from selling the parents' house hadn't gone to the family that then housed them. The family insisted they never got a penny from the parents and it was all totally above board. I believe them but still I can see why the other side find it hard to believe. It's all about money (even if there are big emotional issues underlying it) and people get incredibly unreasonable in these situations. Do the right thing, but don't expect your DB to be happy about it, esp if he's difficult anyway. He's never likely to say well done, OP, I understand and appreciate what you're doing for mum and dad. Families, eh!

Poison- he did something very hurtful to DGM but never apologised etc. She felt that it was bad enough for her to cut him off until he could apologise/make amends but he chose not to.

He said he feels that it's all a front as I work full time and have DD, so realistically I won't be doing a huge amount for DF. I agree, but he can't see the point that I can take SOME of the burden and can be there for DM. Also, by freeing up more money if/when he does need more care they will be in a position to pay for any additional care they need. Also, their home will never need to be sold to pay for care, so DM has security in that regard- whatever the future holds she will have a secure home. I can't seem to get through to him that I am not gaining financially from this. Yes, DFs diagnosis means our inheritance may be reduced but surely the point is that our parents use their resources to benefit them? He just seems to think about the money and not about what is best for our parents. Yes, it also works out well for me in terms of childcare (for now, at least), but that is secondary issue as far as I am concerned.

ENorma- I guess that is true in some ways, but largely a product of circumstance/distance. I don't see how things could be made "equal" TBH.

So basically hehas made bad choices and upset people and didn't get the inheritance? He has done this to himself, tough shit. It is his decision not to renew his licence, which would make life easier, his decision not to go to uni, none of this is your fault. He's been a knob, it's all of his own making.

OP I think I remember your previous thread about your DB. Is that him who stole off your DGM? YANBU.

Oh, fuck him then. The only real problem I can see is that his behaviour upsets your parents. The ideal solution for them would be to see him for what he is, accept he's a knob, continue to be fair with him (although I don't regard that as compulsory but they are fair people) but to let his petty self-serving rants wash over them leaving them unaffected. Not easy, probably not even possible, but it would be best for them.

Can they start each day by chanting 50 times "He's an adult, we've given him the tools to function in this world, he's living with his choices, it will stunt his spiritual growth if we intervene. Ohhmmmm." ??

Yes, he'll be unhappy no matter what you do, so to be honest you may as well get on with it and stop trying to mollify him any more. You could point out as a PP said tilt he's been aware of this plan for ages and has offered no alternative plans. You could also ask him about all the tricky points you mention, eg. Where would your parents actually fit into their flat? How would they get around given the non driving? Make him have to admit it wouldn't work.

Have you posted before about him? The being written out of your grandmothers will sounds familiar.

He sounds like the kind of person you won't ever be able to change his mind.

Sounds as though he'd like his mum to move in so she can continue ferrying him about!

You will gain financially, because they will be adding value to your house with the work they do. Otherwise I think maybe you should try and have a family meeting so your DP's can express their wishes to your DB directly.

I member your other posts about your relationship with your dB and ultimately his anger that you inherited from dgm and he didn't. I think that it's unlikely you will ever resolve your differences and whatever you say to db will not change how he, or you, feel.

It sounds eminently sensible for your parents to move into your new place. Perhaps call his bluff and text sil to say that you're all delighted they want your parents to move in and you'll arrange for their stuff to be driven round.