Exh and I divorced 5 years ago. Ds lives with me and visits his dad EOW. Exh has a partner who has two children and for the last 2 years we have been dealing with the issue of my ds getting bullied by his step-brother. I only found out about this after it had been going on for several months as my ds didn’t tell anyone for a long time. As soon as I found out then I spoke to his dad, who confirmed that he knew it had been happening but hadn’t done anything about it. This bullying involved physical attacks like pushing and kicking my son and kicking him between the legs. I was adamant that this needed resolved immediately and his dad agreed that it would be. The situation then got better for a while but then seemed to go back to the way it was before.
I have now raised this countless times and each time it is better for a bit then just reverts back. A few months ago exh moved in with his partner and her kids and the bullying escalated to the point that my ds refused to go and visit his dad if this child was there. I supported him in this and suggested that contact could take place away from his dad’s house (there were several other options available) but exh refused. He acknowledges that bullying but says its all in the past and says the kids just have to learn to get on. There is no real acknowledgement of the seriousness of the bullying and the impact that it had on my son, who was regularly in tears and even got upset at school about it.
There was a period of no-contact for several weeks as exh refused the idea of seeing ds anywhere other than his house but for the last few visits his partner’s child has been away for various reasons so ds has gone back to visiting his dad’s house. Now ds has learned that this child will be back during the next visit and is refusing to go. He is adamant that he wants to see his dad but will not be around this child. I have agreed to support ds in this decision and have taken legal advice, which basically said that as ds is 10 and given the situation, he is able to decide not to visit his dad’s house. Exh is refusing to accept this and saying that ds must go. He’s very angry that ds says he won’t go and is directing much of this anger at me (and some at ds), saying that this is ‘all my doing’. I have given him so many opportunities to deal with this issue and he has refused and stuck his head in the sand so I now feel that I have to step in and stand up for ds.
I want my ds to have a relationship with his dad and I understand how important that is to his overall happiness and confidence. The more people in his life that love and support him the better. But I can’t support putting him into a situation where he has been hurt before and is desperate to avoid now. In the period when he hasn’t had to be around this boy, he’s gone from crying at night and repeatedly talking about this situation, to no tears at all and just much happier in himself. I feel fairly sure that I’m making the right decision in supporting ds with this but would welcome thoughts from others as I know the implications for ds’ relationship with his dad are potentially huge. So AIBU in supporting ds in this way or would you act differently in my shoes? Any opinions would be gratefully accepted at this point as I’m at the end of my tether with deciding the right thing to do here and just want what’s best for ds.