To start strangling customers at 7:52pm?

[Alabastard]

The lad brigade are out in force and I'm stuck behind a bar listening to them. They've already offered to show me their penises a few times and they think that yelling "oi" will get them served more quickly.

On top of that there's a group of kids intent on getting in and flooding the toilets. Again.

Oh, and I'm enjoying the period from hell so I'm a tad hormonal.

Would I BU to remove my Mooncup and fling it at the next person who looks at me?

Do it. I will back you up 💪

I think you should tell them you can already see their dicks, they're on their heads. I also work behind a bar and Friday and Saturday bring out all the biggest bellends so you have my complete sympathy!

Let the poor blokes get their knobs out and then tell them 'it's like a penis, only smaller'.

Is this a local type of pub? Do you know the parents of these kids?

We used to get girls coming in and making a right mess until one of the regulars recognised one of them and said they'd tell their dad. Seemed to work.

There was a thread a few days ago full of witty comebacks. Have a look at that.

So long as you can come up with a believable alibi I'll cover for you.

I hated the Saturday night shift when I worked in bars. Some people are just twats who thing bar staff are either slappers who go to work just to get a shag or are the human equivalent to shit on their shoe.

I do remember one of my last shifts telling a little arsehole that if he got his tiny little penis out again I'd cut the damn thing off and feed it to him.

My favourite responses to drunken arseholes:

Oh go on, show me your dick, I could do with a good laugh.

Unless it can do magic tricks or wears a little hat why would I be interested?

I love meeting men like you, they remind me why I prefer being gay.

Guess why I no longer work with the public?

Tell them. You're cat's got more than that, and. That's a girl.

Have you seen true blood? "Come on Pam they're funny. They're like penises but miniature. Teacup Penis!"

But you have to say it with a smile.

Like Starry I like 'aw that looks like a penis only smaller'

Proper laughed at like a penis only smaller

I'd love to see it petal, just let me fetch my microscope and tweezers

Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.

Squeal loudly "oh look, it's a miniature willy, wow haven't seen one of them since I was 5 and played show and tell"

"Oh do come back when it grows up, I'd love to see it then"

Bloody hell - why would you tolerate that from them? That's sexual harassment. I'd fucking throw them out on their ears.

Refused to serve one of the annoying arseholes. He unzipped his trousers and told me to "serve that". I was too angry to be witty so I got the door staff to toss him out. Apparently he was only joking.

It's a town centre pub so Saturdays are carnage! The group of kids are well known to the police but apparently they won't do anything!

Well, back to it... I'll bear all the scathing comebacks in mind for the rest of the night.

At least you have the door staff to back you up.

Bar staff should use the doormen whenever they feel the need to and I'm glad you did! :) Hope your night gets better OP.

'it's like a penis, only smaller'.

:o :o :o

I MUST remember that one.

I'm glad the door staff are backing you up, it'd be even more hellish if you had no comeback like them getting kicked out

"Sorry what? I'll have to get my glasses on to see that!"

"No wonder you have to show it off so much... no girl would ever CHOOSE to look at it"

"Wow! Didnt know they make them that small"

"This is why I'm a lesbian"

It's always only a joke until it comes to them being thrown out isn't it

Keep calm and keep reporting

If you rise, they win

But yes, next time they say something like "suck by dick" reply with "sorry. Mum told me not to put small things in my mouth"