To tell school mum that my daughter doesn't want to play with her?

[Married2aWelshman]

Be kind, this is my first time to post! My DD is six years old. As with most children she was in a group of three friends when in reception and as few years have passed there have been quite a few problems with one of the girls.

If I'm being diplomatic I would say they are just different kids and it's nothing out of the ordinary. If I'm being honest I would say she's extremely spoilt, mean, spiteful and basically not a very nice little girl. This isn't based on what my DD has told me but on my own observations at school events, parties etc....

I have encouraged my DD to form other friendships at school as this girl's behaviour has really affected her. She's a sensitive soul but we do our best to give her a bit off backbone which has started to happen.

Today I witnessed this child behave terribly at a birthday party, upsetting one child so much that her mother took her home before the cake had even been brought out and making my daughter very upset in the process. This girl's mother was there the whole time, I'm convinced she's oblivious to how her daughter behaves....

I'm not a precious mum, I encourage DD to brush things off and we don't dwell on things.Thing is this mum has now suggested we do a play date after school and of course it's the last hatching my daughter wants to do. It's a Christmas thing we have done the past two years and I'm certain she knows nothing about how her daughter is perceived by not just me but most of the mums at school....

Do I go ahead, avoid rocking the boat, despite it being the last thing my daughter wants to do or do I tell her that actually the girls aren't as close as they used to be? We used to go to school together which makes it even more awkward....

Gut instinct is to go ahead and avoid similar situations in future but be great to get some advice!

That should have read 'the last THING my daughter wants to do'!

I'd probably just cut down on contact.

I'll let you know. That's all you need to say for at least week. To be honest with Christmas coming up I'm amazed she thinks anyone has time!

Just make your excuses. Not all children get on and that is okay. Our kids don't have to be friends because we are.

But please don't write this other girl off as spoilt or whatever forever. A lot of character development goes on after 6 years of age.

I usually find that if the child of parent/s who are alright is being bratty it's a phase and a few terms later they're rubbing along nicely with other kids again.

You have two main options. Either explain that they don't seem to get on well at the moment. Or don't make any plans with them and continue not to do so unless your daughter and other child start to get on better.

Ask your dd if she wants to go. If she says no, relay this to other mum and say something along the lines of ' oh you know what kids are like. Think she's a bit tired this time of year.'

Job done.

We had a similar situation with my DD, I made excuses a few times and the mum seemed to take the hint as she hasn't asked again. Not the most mature approach maybe but I didn't want the confrontation.

Just say no thanks....
Honestly if this mother is not a friend of yours...there is no point in pussyfooting around is there?

I wouldn't bring it up with the mum, it will only cause bad feelings and awkwardness every time you see her. If your daughter feels the same way, then feel free to make a bit of distance with the friendship and avoid the playdate. Group settings are harder to control and the dynamics of kids in groups is often challenging so best to just leave things to unfold and whisk your daughter away if it gets too much.

My 8 year old has a friend who is very domineering and likes to throw lots of tantrums so I've made a conscious decision to ditch the playdates. However I am good chums with the mum so we still see each other socially but just without the kids.

Just put her off for this occasion and subtly distance yourself and your dd from her.

Make an excuse to avoid getting together but I would under no circumstances tell the mum you or your dd don't like/want to spend time with the child. Kids change so much at that age and it could be that your dd ends up good friends with her and hurt when she is left out from being invited over etc. I'm not sure why your dd is getting upset and other kids are leaving parties though. My kids have been to parties where some of the kids have been spectacularly badly behaved and nasty and I would just tell them to play with those playing nicely. If someone was actually following my child around and bothering them then I'd speak to the child or other parent myself. No way would I remove my kid from a party when they'd done nothing wrong!

bumsexatthebingo I agree, other mum overreacted and only outcome was her child missed half the party!

What is the child actually doing / saying to upset so many people?

I'm notoriously blunt when it comes to people's kids behaviour so would just say actually I'd rather not. Name has been really nasty lately and dd doesn't really want to play with her atm.

Or if she was really pissing me off I'd just say "behaving like that? No thanks, fuck that for a lark"

Or you could be polite and make up an excuse about Xmas prep

Please don't make your daughter go if she doesn't want to - ask her what she wants to do. All you have to say it ''I'll let you know'' and then never do. People with spoiled children or naughty children seem to be oblivious to it a lot of the time so you probably wouldn't get far - you never know, the kid might grow out of it.

I think you are being really judgemental about a young child based on what you've seen of her during a series of snapshots in events that are out of the ordinary (parties, School events with parents present).

I also think it's unkind that you are either discussing this child with most of the other mums in the group, or assuming without proof that they think the same way that you do.

This child has been labelled, and that label will affect how parents counsel their children to interact with her. This will have a knock-on effect on how she interacts with the friends as well. Maybe 'she started it', but there is never one child in a group that is the source of all the issues.

The mother doesn't have one friend within this group who will level with her and speak to her about the situation. She is being judged as oblivious but no one is offering her the opportunity to become enlightened about the situation, and take positive action.

These are all just observations for reflection.

Given that the situation has escalated to where it is, it sounds like you need to call a time out and either be decent enough to speak to your friend about the real issues ( she might offer some perspective on your and the other mums perceptions) or just take a step back from the friendship for a little while.

Try to remember that even that kid is just a child - she is still learning and growing and how she is treated will affect her just as much as how your child is treated will affect your child.