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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was it my fault

47 replies

Hobnobhobbit · 25/11/2016 10:54

Went to an event last night meeting my friend and my boyfriend told everyone 7 but then told my friend 7 and boyfriend 7.30 so that we could go get coffe together before the event started pluss boyfriend works a 2 minute walk away from it I then realised that with the crowds and wanting to be there for the start he should get there a little early so I suggested 25 past he said there's no point he won't make it through the crowd so I said when do you want to meet and kept Ringing him to talk he never answered I texted him and said I was near costa apparently that was to vague so at 25 past I got a text saying to late now will miss the event there was time to find me crowds weren't huge after I said where going for dinner and shopping which him and I planned I said where do you want to meet me he said don't worry just go with your friend and went off to the pub all the way home I mentioned it to him and said if you would of rather gone fo the pub just say next time he then shouted and me in the car saying it was my fault I changed the meeting time I told him 7.30 comensense would be to tell me 7.30 to late can I meet you earlier but he didn't do that apparently he had to watch it on his own and that I ruined it all

OP posts:
Dadstheworld · 25/11/2016 11:45

ChocoChou

My thoughts exactly, OP altered plans to spend more time with friend rather than BF. He then tried to keep up with their changing plans but obviously got frustrated. For them then say " If you wanted to go to the pub..." just adds insult to injury

loobyloo1234 · 25/11/2016 11:45

Grammar police are out in force Confused

I understood what you were saying OP. What I don't understand what your AIBU is? It sounds as though it was poor planning from your side. But your DP should not have shouted. I don't think there is much more to this unless he has a habit of shouting at you?

WorraLiberty · 25/11/2016 11:48

I understood it too. It just took a few more seconds to read that's all. Not a big deal.

Are you both shouty? Or is it just him?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/11/2016 11:48

I'm with Choco and Dad. You messed him around a bit and then accused him of wanting to go to the pub!

ChuckGravestones · 25/11/2016 11:55

My point of view is this: no matter what you do, never get into a relationship with someone who shouts at you.

If he is like this now, and you are having to get outside advice about whether this is a good thing or not, then be advised it is only going to get worse. As he settles into longer term with you, and you stop reacting to the shouting, he will have to behave worse to get you to react the same. Also, you will modify your behaviour to stop the shouting. Which will probably mean not meeting your friend for a drink before seeing him. Which isolates you from your support network.

Neither of these options are good. I recommend getting a different model.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 25/11/2016 12:10

So basically you arranged to meet your friend at 7 to have coffee before the event. Then you told your boyfriend 7.30. Maybe he felt left out that you delayed to see your friend without him.

It all sounds a bit hectic, but he didn't make much effort. Perhaps he wasn't that keen on the event.

Anyway, you didn't really do anything wrong but I think I'd probably have arranged to see your friend on your own at a different time, rather than combining with the event.

There's no excuse for your boyfriend shouting though. That's a massive overreaction. He doesn't sound very nice to be honest. How is your relationship otherwise?

allegretto · 25/11/2016 12:15

I don't understand it. Not because of the punctuation. I just don't understand what you have written. I feel old.

HummusForBreakfast · 25/11/2016 12:22

No need for shouting on his side. And I would expect him to be a more proactive if he thinks that timing isn't great. He didn't have to wait until xx time then say 'oh its impossible' and give up. Nor did he have to lay all the responsibility at your feet and somehow make you feel guilty about it.

There was quite some changes at the end mainly because you realised it might be tight so let him know, which I think was the right thing to do. He could then well have said 'sorry cant that' but that was another issue.

Near Costa would have been plenty for me if I knew the area (I assume that was the case?)

In effect it reads to me that the overall organisation wasn't great timing wise, that your bf didn't want to take any responsibility about it but thought it was OK to scream at you when it didn't work out.

As he seems to do that regularly, I have to say, what are his redeeming features?

DixieWishbone · 25/11/2016 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hobnobhobbit · 25/11/2016 12:26

He had been told to meet at 7.30 all day he had all day to say it wasn't an ok time to meet then changes his mind at seven saying it was not a good time I said I was near costa out the front it it afterwards I went to an easy spot with no crowd and rang him for ages his office is above near the point we where meeting he actually watched it with his work mates i told him to ring me when he got the statue meeting point and I would direct him from there but he refused saying he had bad signal but I know he gets signal every where

OP posts:
Hobnobhobbit · 25/11/2016 12:27

I'm seriously sorry about the full stops I'm more than just dyslexic telling me to put the stops in when I breath isn't helpful I've been told that all my life and still struggle

OP posts:
HummusForBreakfast · 25/11/2016 12:28

Choco and dad but the OP HAD planned to do some shopping with her bf before hand.
As her friend was there, was it not logical that the friend would come for a meal too? (or at least ask her to) I dont know, that's what I would do with my friends when we start an evening out together.
So I see that more as inviting her friend, esp as she was there and he wasn't!, to come to something they had planned iyswim.

The comment about 'going to the pub' makes me wonder if

  • he wasn't that keen on going out to see the gig in the first place (or going with the friend etc..)
  • he has a habit to prefer the pub other outings.
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/11/2016 12:28

You say you suggested at 11am changing the arrangements - that sounds ample notice. Perhaps your boyfriend had looked forward to going to the event with you. Maybe he wasn't pleased you were keener to fix up something with your friend and were changing plans to suit the other person? If he knows the area and is familiar with that cafe and the venue why would it be hard to find you. Is he like this when you spend time with all friends or just this particular person?

The distance involved and the time spans don't seem that big to me so as an outsider, the row it generated seems out of proportion, but we only get a fragment of the whole picture.

when ever anything goes wrong he shouts I am not saying he's a monster for losing his temper but that caught my eye. Do you live together? Do you shout too or do you often feel he often tells you off?

HummusForBreakfast · 25/11/2016 12:31

xpost.

So HE changed his mind at the last minute re where to meet up?
And you did your best to contact him so you could meet up?
Then he is totally unreasonable.

myoriginal3 · 25/11/2016 12:32

Hmmm. All a bit garbled but it sounds like you think he wanted to go to the pub and then he blamed you instead?
Does he act like this often?
Are you together long?
Are you young?

Hobnobhobbit · 25/11/2016 12:37

Original that's it he blames me a lot if something goes wrong he's never wrong

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 25/11/2016 12:52

Well he doesn't sound very nice. Are you happy together? Would you consider leaving him?

Kitsa · 25/11/2016 13:02

OP did not come here to be taught to write. Lay off her eh? If you want to help her with her question, help. If you want to teach someone punctuation, teach your kid.

MariePoppins · 25/11/2016 13:05

he blames me a lot if something goes wrong he's never wrong

then I think you need to have a serious look at your relationship.
No one should ever shout at you like this
No one should ever lay the blame on you, always, even when they clearly have a part to play..

SteppingOnToes · 25/11/2016 13:13

OP did not come here to be taught to write. Lay off her eh? If you want to help her with her question, help. If you want to teach someone punctuation, teach your kid.

People are trying to be helpful - don't be so negative...

Kitsa · 25/11/2016 14:39

Some people are! a lot of people are telling her she should just be a better writer. Not helpful and pretty damn negative I'd say.

ChuckGravestones · 25/11/2016 14:42

Original that's it he blames me a lot if something goes wrong he's never wrong

And then shouts at you. Why are you still with him?

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