To feel like I'm slowly killing myself

[Byefoodbye]

Please help. I drink a bottle of red 5 times a week. I eat total crap, including at least 300g chocolate every day and I just can't stop. Life is passing me by. I'm only 5ft 2 and weigh nearly 14 stone, there's history of early stroke in our family and I'm scared but I can't stop. I'm messing up at work, I'm on ADs (low dose) but it's the drinking and over-eating that's scaring me but I cannot stop. I have heart palpitations and I honestly feel I will have a heart attack. I'm very unfit. Am 41. Please help sort my head out!

Thank you. I don't sleep well, though that is improving due, I think, to the ADs. I suffer from anxiety which is much worse at night and until a few weeks ago I used to spend most of my nights wide awake worrying about getting sued! Near to where I live is a kind of communal business lounge and I'm thinking, as of next week, I might start working from there a few days a week. I wouldn't stuff my face in front of strangers. The thing is I cannot motivate myself to do anything. I have a long to-do list at work but even the pressure of deadlines is not enough to get my head down. Not doing these things will have repercussions and ultimately make my life harder but I just can't make myself care.

Firstly, well done for having the courage to come on MN and share your feelings.

Secondly, have you thought about going to visit your GP for some advice as they may be able to give you some advice, especially as I don't think that it is a good idea to be taking ADs while you are drinking so much.

Good luck.

I feel the same way. 24 with two beautiful kids and a fitness mad partner (as are his family). Always used to be mad on walking everywhere and was obsessed with staying trim, under nine stone and no bigger than a size ten. I'm now fourteen stone, can't nake time to walk and when I do I binge eat anyway. I feel like I'm addicted to food. Even when I'm not hungry or or like the taste of it I'll still eat and eat. History of obesity on my mums side as well as weight related diabetes. I've been getting funny heart beats and generally feeling unwell achey etc and I knoe exactly why but I cant stop. Not sure how seriously the doctor will take me if I want help with food addiction but can't carry on like this. Sorry for massive post just wanted to say your not alone x

It sounds as though you are suffering with stress and anxiety which is not surprising with small children and work. You seem to be self medicating with red wine and chocolate which will give you an initial release but it's short lived. In the long term, alcohol is a depressant and will not ultimately help.

It's easy to say, but you need to get out of your rut and change your habits. It's human nature to keep repeating (even destructive) behaviour so it will take time to adjust to a new routine.

I appreciate you have young children, but would it be possible to work on a laptop in a library or cafe for an hour or so a day? You will find just the act of getting dressed, out and working in a public area will make you far more productive and break your cycle of bad habits. Failing that, children in buggy and walk everyday for an hour come rain or shine to shake up your routine.

Finally, stop the self hate. Your situation is entirely fixable and it won't take long to see results with a few changes. Don't fixate on your looks, concentrate on how you feel and find ways to handle stress differently. That maybe exercise, having a bath, meditation or just reading a book. You need something to replace the wine and chocolate combo, rather than just removing it. See your doctor if you think your AD dosage may need to be upped temporarily.

Take one day at a time. If you have cravings repeat the mantra, "not today" and it will get easier.

OP, you just sound overwhelmed. I think the business lounge is a great idea, but is there any chance in the meantime you could take a day or two off and spend some time on your own with no deadlines and no stress.

Can I make a suggestion that might sound a bit odd? Instead of cutting down, for the first week you try to change your habits, begin by adding healthy stuff not taking away excess. With a mindset like yours, (mine's the same) if you start by cutting down, your body will think you are depriving it and rebel.

So, instead, start by adding 8 large glasses of water a day for a week. You can drink as much wine as you want that week, but you must also drink 3 litres of water. if by 8pm you've only had 1 glass, you'd better start knocking them back. If you hate water, add a splash of cordial to it.

The second week, keep up the water and you can eat whatever crap you want but you also must eat 8 full sized fruit and veg portions (a few lettuce leaves as garnish isn't a portion. Half a tomato isn't. Two entire little gems is. Half a pot of cherry tomatoes is.

Third week, add exercise, even if it's just a walk around the block each evening, or a 5 minute set of stretches before bed.

Keep a journal of what you're doing. Each week, develop it a bit. So by 4th week, you could be trying out an 8 min HIIT youtube video each night. Bit by bit you'll send your body the message that you are giving it things that take care of it, and then when you ease off the bad stuff, it won't feel like deprivation, as you have already replaced them with good stuff.

It works for me.

I had too many years of sleep deprivation and got into a cycle of grabbing anything for a fix of energy and the more I had the more I wanted and the less I slept. I had to go cold turkey after many attempts of cutting down. For two weeks I drank protein and veg shakes then a month of the same but an added meal.

Think of the money you'll save if you cut back on the wine and chocolate but yes, as notagiraffe says, don't cut back without increasing the healthy bits first. That is excellent advice.

notagiraffe's suggestion to add the healthy stuff is a good one.

Other than that, I would start with the alcohol, and try cutting down. Can you switch to a lower-alcohol wine, so you don't feel deprived? Or as a PP suggested, something with a mixer that still feels alcoholic (and is!) but is ultimately a lower ABV because the drink lasts longer?

Small steps - a 10 min walk round the park - anything at all - will help. As you start to feel better you will be able to do more.

Well yes - you are slowly killing yourself. But if you honestly want to stop, there's help out there and agree with all the pp to visit your GP and also AA.

Byefoodbye, your drinking and eating are disturbing your sleep and this will make you feel unhappy, so you need to try to break the cycle.
Why are you eating the chocolate? Is it to try and relieve the stress? Are you drinking to feel better?

Is there anyone you could talk to. The GP needs the bigger picture because the ADs are treating the symptoms but not the cause. If you can, try to speak to the dr about these factors.

Are you unhappy in your job? Do you feel that you have ambitions in a different career? Could the community work help? Could you speak to someone about this?

You are a lot closer too feeling better than you think. Find something that will give you a feeling of fulfilment that isn't bad for you. Something creative maybe, or that involves having some company, or that takes your mind off things (trashy novel/film/go for a walk...). Try to do something that makes you feel like you are a valuable, likeable, intelligent, kind, friendly person, which you are.

I am not qualified to give advice but I have sort of been where you are. I'm probably still there but wine makes me feel wonderful and the next day I feel rubbish. If I do something else that doesn't involve eating crap or drinking myself silly, the next day is a lot better.