Mother in law problems

[ClareN1980]

I need some advice about my mother in law. For months she has been driving me crazy and I feel things have come to a head and I can't cope with her anymore.

It began the day we announced I was pregnant when her first questions were whether my mother knew and how long she'd known, then she went on to the name and told us she didn't like the name we had picked, then she repeatedly asked to be at the birth and 'not to be sidelined'.

In the following weeks/ months she continued to say she didn't like the name and asked every time if we had changed our minds and even told us to check the top 100 baby names for ideas. She also badgered me constantly about what she would be called, despite me agreeing to her being called nana (which was what she wanted) she was not happy as my mother was also nana.

When my baby was born she came to the hospital and brought me nothing and didn't ask if I needed anything, she did nothing for us after we came home with the baby whereas my family helped with cooking, washing, shopping etc. Her only contribution was to ask to take the baby for walks, which isn't what I wanted as she was only days old. She asked when my child was 10 days old for me to think of days that she could have her every week, I said I wasn't ready for that but she asked again an hour later.

Since then I have taken the baby to see her almost every week for several hours at a time. I have on occasion left the baby with her but reluctantly because on one occasion she would not return my child when I asked and said she was out with her when I said I would come and pick her up, she then said she was sleeping which was a lie to put me off going to get her.

I feel really uneasy going to see her because she tries to get the baby off me the second I enter her house, and she doesn't give the baby back until I am at the door to leave and she usually tries to stall me.

Whenever I see her she always says that she wants me to leave the baby with her while I go shopping or something or she wants to take the baby somewhere without me, she has even sent me messages telling me there are films on at the cinema and I should go and leave the baby with her. She was pushing me to work days that would mean she could have the baby more, regardless of what suited me best.

I know a lot of people would probably think I'm mad and love to offload their children, to clarify I'm not completely possessive, I don't mind leaving her with family, but I just find it really unsettling that from day one it has been her objective to see my baby without me or my husband being there. She's also really difficult with my husband and gets irritated and sulks if he tells her what to do with our child.

If anyone can give any advice I would appreciate it. I am fairly certain the reason is she doesn't like me or my husband, but still wants our child, I just don't know how to deal with her anymore.

Loving the replies! There is a FIL but to be honest he just seems to enable her. On the occasions where I've said she needs to wait for me to hand the baby over he's waited a few mins then reached out for her only to pass her straight over to MIL... and so begins the game of Keep Away where I don't get to hold my child for the duration of the visit

Also.. No visits without your DH there. I started seeing them on my own initially but felt like I was taking all the reponsibility for his family seeing his child. Once I made him come along he realised soon enough that seeing them weekly was more than enough (previously pestering me to see them more) and he could do a lot of the boundary setting with them instead of me which was far better received.

I have never visited my MIL without DH. That's his job not mine.

Stop going to see her. No you don't have to see her as much as you see your own mum. You don't have to go every week for hours because your DH says so. Be firm with her. Once you have answered a question, refuse to discuss it again. If she pushes tell her "we talked about this, gave you my answer so I'm not discussing it any further", this is what I do to shut my DCs down when they are keeping on and on. Great her the same.

She sounds like a bloody pita. Let her son deal with her. It's your baby and you make the call. Don't feel pressured to leave the baby. Tell her no and keep repeating until she gets the message. If she sulks, whines, cries, tantrums, so what. It's her issue not yours. Sounds like she wants to play at being mum again.

Very similar to my MiL. She vanished with my baby for ages a few mins before I was due home after my first day back at work after maternity leave. I know it was a few mins because she left a hot cup of tea behind. When I called her on mobile it rang on sofa. I'd really missed baby DD on my first day back and MiL turned up over an hour after I got home.
Her explanation was that DD (aged 9 months) wanted to go to the park and she hadn't realised the time. But she's always been a snidey old cow and this was latest in long line of difficult behaviour.
We had quite an argument. It didn't take long for me to end her doing childcare after repeated incidents.

The game of keep away and passing the baby to her makes me think that your FIL is definitely enabling your MIL. So there is intention to ensure physical contact with you is broken while they have contact.

What they're missing is the fact that your DC will learn to see how to react to them by your reactions. They're creating a stressful situation and not doing themselves any favours. Your DH may not be helping as at the moment you are actively going over and keeping this going. It's easier for him to do nothing if you are doing something. So try to stop going over and let him do the arranging and set the boundaries.

Sorry OP but take the baby back off them when you are over there, don't wait, walk over and take. Your child, your rules and yes I agree with others go when your DH is around. I would go friggin bonkers if someone refused to hand my child back when she was a newborn

Your child isn't a toy to be shared. This is really creepy behaviour.

Are you from the same cultural background? There do seem to be huge differences between the level of involvement some Asian/ Middle Eastern/African MIL expect to have compared with North European expectations.

Even within Europe there are cultural differences. My DH and I both come from a NorthernEuropean country but my family are much more anglicised. I know when DDs were born his mum expected to be very matriarchal with them, where I expected a more UK, urban, little nuclear family situation. Exclusively BF for the first 6 months helped me put boundaries in place that worked for me (but maybe not for MIL).

As someone who received no help and support from anybody, apart from my DH, I would of loved a MIL like this. I would of put her to good use

She sounds like my MIL.
I always try to think a step ahead of her. Her possessiveness has soured our relationship completely. I do let her baby sit occasionally but really I still hate leaving my son with her.
I'm due baby2 and I envisage her possessiveness starting up again. I fully plan to have a sling just to make it more difficult for her to lift baby out of my arms.

My MIL actually smacked my DDs hand when she was about 16 months old for lashing out. Fuck me did she get a fucking shower of abuse! She'd shown signs of behaviour like this - assuming she could have my DD alone just because my mum did (my mum was a constant in her life from birth MIL was not) assuming she would give her the first haircut (she was a retired hairdresser and a SHIT one at that) and even before we knew she was a girl saying we should give FIL name as a middle name because that's my DHs middle name. All of them were ignored. We went NC not long after the smacking incident probably just as well because if she'd even raised her voice at my baby again I'd have knocked her into the middle of next week! Sorry you're having such problems OP.

Ive been exactly where you are op. My mil asked the same question when we announced our pregnancy. She had always been batshit and intent on fucking things up for me and dh, but the problems really started with the pregnancy.

She was extremely possessive even before my dd arrived. We didn't tell her anything about the pregnancy in purpose because she had a why of making things all about her. She accessed my medical records through a connection at the hospital after I wouldn't tell her why I had called the antenatal unit, her reasoning was she had a right to know what was going in with her grandchild.

Since then I have been just a vessel for a gc for her, I put my foot down when she took dd off me at Christmas and disappeared. That was the last time she ever had any tine alone with my daughter.

Now I delight in keeping her away from mil. Dh backs me 100% because he doesn't have a good relationship with his controlling mother. I loved breastfeeding because it was a good excuse to not let her have her.
Shes never allowed to look after dd alone, will never have her over night, she has never even laid a hand on the pram...

It was hard but I stood up to her, she terrorized her own children for years, she's not getting her way with me.

Feel free to pm me for advice

Mumofthemonsters while I understand that it must be hard to have no support it is very unsettling to have somebody constantly trying to separate you from your newborn.

Even as my baby got to 2 they wanted to give him their comforter that stayed in their cot rather than his own that he carried everywhere with him. That in my head was just weird.

Just don't go any more, let your dh do the duty visits. Would you commit to seeing his best mate once a week because he himself can't be bothered but his mate's jealous. It's not a great metaphor, but still.

MIL did the same to me and dh did what yours does. The result? I saw a lot less of my mum than I wanted to avoid all the questions from MIl (when was she last here, how long was she here for etc), so dd lost out a bit in seeing a normal gm, and I ended loathing my MIL and avoiding her completely.

Best to just do what you want and let dh do what he wants, and if he doesn't want to see her then she isn't seen. If she phones either hand the phone straight to dh, or say "dh isn't in now, I'll tell him you rang" and hang up. It feels rude, is rude but is still not as bad as going completely nc and getting divorced. She's so bad mannered it exonerates you; in your case it's self-protection.

YOUR baby. When FIL moves to 'take' your baby off you to hand to MIL I'd bluntly ask him what it is he's doing. Literally make it that awkward. If somehow you miss the opportunity walk over and take the baby back, explaining that you do not like your child to be taken off you as if you are a silly kid.

As for MIL asking and reasking when she can have baby all to herself, again I'd be quite blunt and say that youve been through it and would like the conversation to move on as its not up for debate.

Husband needs to back you and absolutely should not be sending you into the lions den solo and even more so should not be leaning on you to see her even more.

Their behaviour is creepy as PP's have said. I wouldnt give a toss about upsetting them as I'd be glad to see them as little as possible.

Good luck OP, your child is not a comfort doll or a status symbol for MIL to wave around as proof of what a great person she is.

I agree with a pp that said do not let them do childcare if you go back to work. It's a very difficult situation for you if your DH doesn't see it. Tell DH that for the time being you will visit together & I think he will slowly start to realise their behaviour is unacceptable. DH cannot dictate what you do on ML either.

I'd stop seeing her-she sounds awful. DH can be 'punished' if that's how he wants to view it because it's HIS mum.

Or, he can be an adult and tell her to stop being so odd.

Mumofthemonsters I'll put you in touch, you can have her