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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be wrong to use a sperm donor?

147 replies

wintersbranches · 23/11/2016 16:01

Would it be wrong to forget trying to find somebody, and just have a baby alone? Would they grow up and hate me for not having a dad?

OP posts:
Original poster
wintersbranches · 24/11/2016 20:36

I'm sure it does but I don't think it's really a comparable situation tbh.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 24/11/2016 20:42

I think it is tbh.

Original poster
wintersbranches · 24/11/2016 20:43

It's not because you didn't plan to have your child whereas anyone planning to have one with a sperm donor wouldn't.

I'm not saying there would not be other problems but I don't think the two situations correlate.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 24/11/2016 20:48

The outcome is the same though. I was a lot more prepared than, don't mean that nastily but financially etc I was very settled, no mortgage, great job etc. The things that make it similar is that she has never met him and never will, she's grown up knowing that isn't an option and she's not very impressed by it.

If it happens well these things do, but I certainly wouldn't create it from the start voluntarily. Because it's not great for the children, I'm sorry but it's not.

Pisssssedofff · 24/11/2016 20:50

There's lots to weigh up and consider my evidence is purely anecdotal of course, but it's not nice to hear

JayDot500 · 24/11/2016 21:09

Pisss that's actually quite a sad thing for your daughter to say. I'm sorry.

slenderisthenight · 24/11/2016 21:13

I'm really sorry your DD feels that way pissed. I would think that she isn't dealing well with having a father who decided to abdicate and have nothing to do with her. It's actually not the same thing and your DD's response seems extreme for the circumstances.

Original poster
wintersbranches · 24/11/2016 21:22

To be honest Pissed and I don't mean this rudely but you have no idea about my life or how settled or otherwise it is.

It sounds as if things are very hard for you right now but the two situations are in no way parallel.

OP posts:
slenderisthenight · 24/11/2016 21:30

The thing that makes it completely different is the way it was set up pissed. I'm not saying that there is are no processing tasks around being the child of a donor - of course there are. But they are not the same tasks as those faced by a child who has been rejected by a parent as a baby. Areas of overlap perhaps but by no means the same.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/11/2016 21:33

TheCursed - caravan is right. You don't have to name a father on a birth certificate; you can name two mothers. This is the legal situation at the moment.

pissed - I'm sorry your child feels like that, too. But I also agree that the situation is very different. A big point (for me) has been that my child will know she was planned. She will always be sure she wasn't an accident (not that that necessarily means a child is any less loved or wanted). And that's a positive thing.

Comparing it to a child who wasn't planned is not comparing like with like.

sj257 · 24/11/2016 21:34

I don't think it is wrong at all.
I grew up without a dad and he and my mum had been married! There's no guarantees in life. He cleared off when I was a baby and I did go through wondering what he was like etc. (he was a big disappointment when I did meet him lol). I think in your case the child would always know, so there would be no bad feelings as there hasn't been a rejection.

Mypurplecaravan · 24/11/2016 21:40

Winters counselling is not intended to tell you how others feel. It is intended to help you work out exactly how you feel about a subject.

Somewhat the complete opposite to what we do here. Here you ask 'am I being unreasonable' and we all pile in with our own prejudices and life experiences. Which are rich and rewarding to read about..... but which you have said you are not after. You don't want to know how others feel. You don't care if it is the right decision for me and lrd and would be the wrong one for thecursedone. You need to know if it is right for you.

From what you are posting it sounds like you think it's not. Which is a perfectly fine decision to make. Counselling may help you to be certain of your decision and then come to terms with the emotions any decision throws into the air.

Counselling is absolutely not designed to tell you what decision to make just to help you come to a decision.

LaPharisienne · 24/11/2016 21:51

Love is all you need.

EveOnline2016 · 24/11/2016 22:03

I couldn't imagine life without my children.

I would go for it, imo it's very rare for a mother to wish she has never had children it's more common for women who wants children but can't have them to regret not having the chance.

Pisssssedofff · 24/11/2016 22:28

You have to look at it from the child's perspective too ... Sadly love is not all that's needed and planned unplanned it simply doesn't matter. Pieces of the puzzle missing are extremely painful for people. Just bear that in mind I guess

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/11/2016 22:36

You're contradicting yourself, aren't you?

One minute you say you have to look from the child's perspective.

Then you say it doesn't matter whether they were planned or unplanned.

Those two things can't both be true.

I do think it's really rough that your child is feeling badly and taking it out on you. But there's no reason to think the OP's child would feel that way - because that child might not have any sense there was a missing piece to their 'puzzle'.

Mypurplecaravan · 24/11/2016 22:44

Pissedoff I shouted at my mum more than once 'I never asked to be born' and 'I wish I'd never been born' and I grew up with two parents who loved me.

Teenagers get angst. I have no doubt that if abortion was as readily talked about back then I'd have also shouted 'why didn't you just abort me? ' especially if I knew it would hurt my mum. Kids can be vile. We are ready for the 'you're not my real dad' shouts to come in a few years. But who knows, DS might never say that and choose to vent his spleen only on me.

I have taken comfort from the donor conceived adults I know who have wonderful relationships with their parents now. As I do mine. And as I hope you will have with your daughter one day soon.

Pisssssedofff · 24/11/2016 22:56

The op's potential child may or may not feel
There's something missing, trouble us there's no way of knowing is there. Of course teenagers are a bag of het up emotions, I just don't think they need any additional angst if there's any way of avoiding it

Mypurplecaravan · 24/11/2016 22:59

But they get to exist to experience that angst. And who knows, out of that angst could create the next revolutionary piece of art or scientific break through.

Pisssssedofff · 24/11/2016 23:04

It's not fair though is it to increase the odds of angst when you can reduce them. I find it really hard to witness knowing I could have not put her in that situation and it was entirely my selfish wants as to why she is in pain at times. If she knocks out a piece to rival Rembrandt great, but It's not an easy path for parent or child. I'd just say to the op have a bit more confidence in yourself, why shouldn't you meet dream man and have a family. Put the energy into that.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 24/11/2016 23:04

An vague associate of mine has done this

She is obviously tired like any single mother would be but loves her child dearly and has absolutely no regrets.

good job which i believe she has gone back to and the support of grandparents and friends

On the other hand my 38 year old friend (she may have been 39) met a man, fell head over heels in love, got pregnant with baby number one and now has two children and is very loved up

Someone upthread mentioned fertility tests, i think that sounds like a good idea and might be worth doing to see if you have any leeway and could maybe wait another year or two

Hope it goes well for you whatever you decide

Mypurplecaravan · 24/11/2016 23:18

My great grandmother wanted kids. She didn't really want a man. 80 years ago there was no other choice. She got her kids and the side effect of a vicious violent man.

I am thrilled that for women now a days there is a choice.

And as I keep reminding folk. Just cos you meet the perfect man does not mean you won't still need a sperm donor. As me and my (not quite perfect but he'lloyds do) DH can attest.

There is a lot of looking down on single women by society. And this thread typifies much of it. 'Put the energy into meeting a dream man'? Dear God above. The seventies phoned and think you could do a spread for women and home magazine.

Good luck OP whatever you decide

minipie · 24/11/2016 23:19

I have to say, the only person I know of who has gone this route is now pregnant with twins Shock and bricking it

Roofus · 24/11/2016 23:20

I am donor conceived and entirely at peace with it. I am very much of the opinion that it was my fabulous dad that has shaped me and not my donor. For some people though, genetics plays a much greater part. .

If it's the route you choose, please, please be scrupulously honest with your child and the rest of your family from the outset. In general, children who find out when they are older or 'by accident' find it more difficult to come to terms with. Some adults never do.

Also be aware that it isn't just a donor father that is in the picture, but also potential half siblings. As others have said, your child will have the right to trace their donor in a way that didn't exist years ago and you need to know you have a strategy to deal with this.

Pisssssedofff · 24/11/2016 23:28

I'm a single mum and typing this whilst I do the ironing and mopping the kitchen floor at 11.35 pm ready to get up at 6am and drop them at school for 7.45am before going to do 8 hours st work.
There's an easy path to take and a hard one, if the 70's one is the easier path then yes please, you'll have s far more pleasant existence and less grey hairs that way. Without even going near the potential issues your donor child may or may not have. I just don't get why people want to invite this shit into your life if it's not absolutely last chance saloon which by the sounds of it it's not.

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