To think it would be wrong to use a sperm donor?

[wintersbranches]

Would it be wrong to forget trying to find somebody, and just have a baby alone? Would they grow up and hate me for not having a dad?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

TheCursed - no, he won't. He does not want to be, and legally, he won't be. He won't be on the birth certificate and he won't raise her.

I'm not 'denying' him anything.

A father is more than genetics. It would be crass to deny that, in my view.

[Yohohoyo]

Well said LRD

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Thank you.

I know it's not exactly the same as the OP's situation, but I don't see why her baby couldn't be as happy as any other child.

[klassykringle]

Come off it Cursed, I don't think society's about to hit a tipping point of in-breeding I think that was probably more likely a few centuries ago in small isolated places.

Children don't have a "right" to an emotional bond with their parents, (nice though that would be) and even if they get one it's not necessarily a healthy one.

I maintain that a child (any child) would be better off with one loving parent than many of the situations they're often born into.

I also think you wouldn't come on to a thread where someone said "help! I'm pregnant and don't know the dad" or "help! I'm pregnant after being raped and don't want the child to know the dad" with this shit. If you wouldn't say it of an accidental pregnancy, you shouldn't say it of an intentional one either.

[JayDot500]

LRD, this is why I try not to talk what I don't understand, my apologies. From the many testimonies I have read (online, which obviously is biased and not 100% representative), there are children born from donor sperm who think about/need to know about their biological fathers/paternal families. Having a letter waiting is, imo, a good thing, if nothing else was the alternative. The people who don't need to read it don't have to. The ones that do want/need to read it, can.

Yoho, my main point was that the two scenarios are not the same imo. I haven't said it's great to have a deadbeat dad, that's you misreading what I wrote. I believe I even said I was affected by it, how is that painting it as a better alternative? The fact is that my deadbeat, absent dad became a father to me, although at a time when I didn't really need it. We are very close now. A lot of children from single parent families do get to know/understand their deadbeat fathers when they grow up. If not their fathers themselves, then sometimes their paternal extended families. They don't often (but sometimes do) have a whole side to their biology they don't know much about. Some never rekindle with their fathers.

But having a relationship with a biological father isn't an option for most children of donors. As LRD has said, the donor is not their 'father'. These children usually are borne into secure, loving families. Some of these families are single parent ones, which are no more/less loving than other single parent families. But that situation is not the same as deadbeat/absent dad scenarios. That was my point. I personally dislike it when people lump the two together, because I feel it doesn't attend to the specific issues concerning parents and their donor conceived children. To deny their are differences is an injustice to the many children who take to the internet to tell their positive and negative thoughts about their own experiences as donor conceived children.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Oh, yes, I do follow what you mean there, jay, sorry!

I just meant to clarify that the donor isn't doing something amazing or unusual - it is quite routine. I think that is the best way.

[BarbarianMum]

One of the reasons that donor anonymity was done away with in the UK is because of the testimony collected from adults conceived in that way. Maybe not every child/adult feels the need to know who their biological parents are but a lot do. To pretend otherwise is disingenuous.

[Andrewofgg]

I knew one of the campaigners to end anonymity -
a chap born by AID in 1952 and was lucky enough to trace the deceased donor and a half-brother born later.

He argues that treating children born before the law was changed is discrimination within the meaning of Article 14 of the ECHR - and I said upthread that the idea of changing the law retrospectively is appalling, but it might happen.

There are many decisions from which men have wrongly excluded women and the choice to be a donor or not is not one of them. This is the individual man's call and giving way to this sentimental campaign has deprived many people of the chance of parenthood. It was the Wrong Thing to Do.

[SquinkiesRule]

I think going it alone with a sperm donor sounds like a good option. I only know one woman who has done this, she made sure she was financially secure first, well into paying off her house, good job, savings, owns a newish car etc.
She too was just about 35. Her Ds is in school now and it all seems to be going well for them.
Many people I know were raised by single Mums in not as good a place, with no father figure and they too have done fine.
I think when the child is old enough to start questioning then you have to say how you hadn't met anyone, and wanted him/her and decided to be a Mum with no Dad. etc etc I think if things are kept secret and the whole family tip toes over this stuff it makes problems that aren't there when everyone is open.

[Mypurplecaravan]

No the cursed one. The donor is not the father. He is the sperm donor. My husband is my son's father.

There are mechanisms in place to prevent ac idental incest. Although if you are that worried about generic attraction, perhaps we should all have genetic paternity tests before starting any relationship as something like 10% of us are not related to our fathers (think Justin wellby). That's a higher %than are officially sperm donor conceived. So think of the risk of genetic attraction there! Or, you know, don't worry about it

[GoldenWorld]

Co-parenting is becoming more common now with gay men/couples/singles. I personally would look into this before using a sperm donor so I'd have support but again, it's almost like dating trying to find someone suitable, whether your parenting expectations match up. There are some men out there who are happy to father children but have a minimal involvement so they see them every couple of weeks for instance and play more of an uncle type figure. But at least you'd have potentially financial support and a wider network if his family got involved.

Certainly not wrong using a sperm donor and more straightforward than the co-parenting situation. I've known women who've done it but you do have to be wary - one was very premature and now has some disabilities as a result, another ended up with multiples. She's managed with very little family support but it's been tough for her and she's had no life outside them whilst they've been growing up.

It is doable being a single parent with little support but you have to be willing to sacrifice a lot, certainly whilst they're very young. My friend is a single parent, not through choice as the father isn't interested at all sadly and she does have family but they don't help out a huge amount. Her daughter is lovely but she was a very difficult baby, cried all the time, never wanted to be put down and now she's a difficult toddler who has some epic tantrums and still doesn't sleep through the night. It's relentless for her as there's no-one else to take over. People help out when they can but all the night wakings etc. fall down to her. Think you have to realistically ask yourself if you could cope with this.

[FrenchJunebug]

I've done it and my 5-year old doesn't hate me. It's hard though

[FrenchJunebug]

I went ahead without a support system around (my parents are in deep rural France. It's mentally hard as you don't have the moral support and you are always with your child. But I have NEVER regretted it and my son is happy and well adjusted and knows how he was conceived. Worth looking at the Donor Conception Network website which will answer a lot of your questions and worries www.dcnetwork.org/

[TheCursedOne]

LRD From Family Law Resources - 'Every child has a biological father. The biological father is the man who contributed half of the child`s genetic makeup.'

So yes the sperm donor will be your child's biological father as will yours MyPurple. Apologies for not prefixing with 'biological'.

[Mypurplecaravan]

I'm a biologist thecursedone I'm aware of genetics. What I am saying is that 'father' as a generally understood term is the man raising a child. Which in my case is dh.

Now I agree you can then have sub categories of father. Such as biological. Step. Absent. Adoptive. Etc. But named on my son's birth certificate is his father. My DH. No qualification or subcategory necessary.

Named on LRD's child's birth certificate will be mother and parent. There is no father. On a single parent using donor sperm there is mother and blank.

Father as a term is so much more than half genetic material. Genetics are important. But fatherhood is more than gametes. So yes the qualification 'biological' father is essential. Although not the term I use with ds because it is so easy (as you demonstrated) to drop the biological whereas with sperm donor there is no confusion as to the role.

[Mypurplecaravan]

Apology accepted

[BabooshkaKate]

There is no shortage of Solomor in Denmark and tbh this is my backup plan if I haven't had children by a certain arbitrary age I've decided in my head. I can by picky about what my baby's dad looks like

If you can afford it, go for it!

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/sep/14/no-stigma-single-mothers-denmark-solomors&ved=0ahUKEwjB7YbohcLQAhXLJsAKHa0wCloQFggbMAA&usg=AFQjCNHrlnepXaQiPXDvcS9GHWQta55G5w&sig2=_BRPH8Uu6YvBjMiDKB7UnA

[Andrewofgg]

Do the Danes have an absolute lifelong bar against either the child or the donor tracing each other? And is that bar made effective by destroying all paper and electronic records early in the child's life?

[slenderisthenight]

I am so sorry but I think it your circumstances it would be wrong and you already know this .

Could you put a plan in place to become more stable financially and in 'other ways', and to develop a support system?

If your circumstances were different it would be a very different thing altogether, wouldn't it? As things stand, it sounds like you and your child would be very vulnerable.

But you probably still have quite a lot of time.

I have a donor conceived child from a country where records are anonymous. We felt it was better for her not to have that Pandora's box haunting her but there are strong arguments both ways.

[wintersbranches]

I am property rich and cash poor . I don't have a support network at all though which is probably the main problem.

[mrscarrotironfoundersson]

Well OP, people have children in these circumatances, and more, all the time. Only you can make that choice but its a very deliberate step.

I don't know if the clinics offer counselling?

Have you posted on this subject before?

[wintersbranches]

No, why? I'm not really interested in counselling to be honest, it comes down to how I feel about it not someone else.

[Pisssssedofff]

My daughter isn't my ex husbands child, she's never met her sperm donor dad. Which he wasn't actually but that's more or less how it's turned out. She has said several times why didn't you just abort me. Now obviously this is during other discussions but not necessarily during rows. It's obviously something she thinks about. Not something I would do deliberately to my worst enemy tbh

[wintersbranches]

I don't actually understand that post at all, I'm not being rude, I just genuinely don't understand what you mean.

[Pisssssedofff]

Sorry. So my eldest child has asked me why I didn't abort her. She feels I should have. Her situation is that she was an accident with a man who wasn't a one night stand but hasnt ever contacted the child either so may as well be a sperm donor. It's not nice to hear that from your own child's lips is what I'm saying, it really hurts she feels that way.