To think it would be wrong to use a sperm donor?

[wintersbranches]

Would it be wrong to forget trying to find somebody, and just have a baby alone? Would they grow up and hate me for not having a dad?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Sorry, I'm going to post before I read (but partly so I can be unbiased).

My baby won't have a dad and will have two mums. It'll be fine.

A friend of mine (who is single) is planning to have a baby with a sperm donor's sperm. Again, I think this will be a really lucky baby - it will be so loved, and she will be a wonderful parent.

Studies I have seen show that what affects babies' outcomes is not the sex of their parents (or, indeed, whether they have one or two parents living/living with them).

That said I'm sure all children find things to be fed up with their parents about, so I'm sure there's a risk of teenagers yelling about how unfair it is they don't have a dad.

[Yohohoyo]

Sorry it didn't work filled
I asked that question because I suspect the answers will be different coming from a parent and non parent.
I don't want to take over your thread Op, so I wish you all the very best

[klassykringle]

Ah I see what you mean (I initially thought you meant if you don't have kids, you can't judge, which seemed unfair, so sorry for snapping a bit!)

I don't have children yet, I've just had miscarriages. Yes, if I had to rely on donor sperm, I think I would (but I'm married so in my case it wouldn't be my choice alone).

I know the feeling of wanting a child and it getting further and further away very well.

[Yohohoyo]

I am so sorry for your losses klass and no you didn't snap at all . Sorry I should have explained better.

[wintersbranches]

It's partly that it feels like I'd have to do this because I can't meet a man and partly as financially and in other ways I am not stable enough.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Right, have read!

Re. worries about donors. Our donor (found through a clinic) included a message to the child when he donated. All their donors do. His was a really nice message explaining he and his wife had had fertility troubles (which is why he donated - it probably helped fund their treatment, but it's possible it was altruistic, we just wouldn't be told either way). He said he hoped the child would understand understand his/her parents' decision and would be as happy in their family as he had been.

I found that message comforting. It was nor formulaic, as we saw other messages and they were not so thoughtful. It made me feel confident, because I would like to think a child could see that and understand his reasoning as well as ours.

I also agree it is absurd to compare this to adoption/fostering. DP's family include several people who've been foster-carers or who've adopted/been adopted. I think it is belittling their skills to compare it to raising a newborn you've given birth to.

[SeaWitchly]

winter I think this is a decision only you can make, although it can be very helpful to read about/speak with others who have also gone down the solo Mum/donor sperm treatment route. That is why I would also recommend having a look at the Donor Conception Network website - //www.dcnetwork.org.

Otherwise I would also suggest speaking with a specialist fertility counsellor who can explore the legal, ethical and social implications of donor conception with you in a confidential and non-judgemental environment. This way you can make a decision that is right for you after having had time and space in which to consider the potential losses and gains for you and the child in the future. Have a look at BICA [British Infertility Counselling Association] for a list of accredited and experienced counsellors who specialise in this field as they will be best placed to support you as you decide how to move forward - //www.bica.net.

[diamondofdoom]

I'm a 25yo single mum to a 7 month old DD with no support. No contact from ex. No money from him.

My mum lives 5 mins away and babysits once a week for 1hr while I do my driving lessons. Apart from that my baby is with me all the time.

It's hard but most definitely doable. If I haven't met someone say, by the time I'm 30 and really wanted another, I would consider sperm donor/ONS.

If it'll make you happy I say absolutely do it. You can deal with all the future things in the future.

[HateMrTumble]

Never had a dad, never wanted a dad, never questioned why. If you can support a child yourself then why not.. I'd be worried about getting an ugly kid though

[klassykringle]

Thanks yoho

That counselling link looks really good seawitchly.

[Daisiesandgerberas]

minipie & others....

The anonymity ban is in the UK only.

We (hetero) have a DD from donor egg & sperm from Spain & there is no way now or in the future we'll have the option of ID'ing the donors.

[JayDot500]

Yoho, I, in turn, wonder how many people on here don't know their father?

Also, in deadbeat dad scenarios, the hurt is the same but there is a face and story to the name.

I'm not for or against, but the more I delve, the more feel I cannot answer on behalf of these children. And I'm from the single mum, absent dad scenario.

[MidniteScribbler]

I have a DS through donor conception. I wasn't in a relationship, and to be honest, I don't really care for one. I have no family support, but I made sure that when DS was born I found some trustworthy babysitters (through a babysitting agency) so that if I needed or wanted to go out without him, that I could do so.

It's been tough, but it's also been the best thing I ever did. DS's donor is ID release, meaning he can find out at 18 who he is. We've also made contact with some of his siblings and see one of them regularly, and another two on occasions as they live ten hours drive away.

If you do this, please don't go down the 'oh it was a one night stand' route. Be proud of your choices, and don't let your child ever think that their conception was something to be ashamed of. DS is starting to now get an understanding of his conception, it's never been a secret, and I have always talked about it to him. He can make his own choices when he is older about contacting his donor or not.

[Mypurplecaravan]

You don't have to be sure that donor sperm is right for you to contact donor conception network. That's why I suggested them and not a clinic - you don't have to be sure with a clinic either but it is somewhat expected that you are a bit more certain and they are there to help you get it. Dcn is just there for support

I'm not denying there is potential for harm. But there is potential for harm in all types of families. Like LRD our donor wrote a lovely letter. Not yet read it to DS but incorporated the information in it when reading to DS about families and where babies come from.

All you can do is decide what is best for you. Freezing your eggs might be the better option for you as it seems you want a relationship and then children to grow from that. You may still need donor sperm (look at us! ) but at least you've given yourself the option of more time. Eggs are more fragile when freezing though than embryos last time I checked the figures the birth rate was not as good. But this may have changed

[mrscarrotironfoundersson]

OP, you've mentioned you have no support network and no financial stability. These things aren't a requirement to being a good parent BUT... I've got both as well as my partner and I've still found it massively hard.

If you experience PND or other difficulties during or after birth who can help you?

None of this precludes you having a baby, but do think about "life after".

How old are you?

[MrTCakes]

I don't understand why people immediately suggest adoption/fostering for people who want to conceive by donor alone. You don't hear it so much when a couple are using a donor together, so why the stigma against single parents?

I am a single parent (divorced) and if when I am in my mid thirties I am single, then I will use a donor to have another child.

[Mypurplecaravan]

You do mrtcakes. Along with suggestions that as the woman you are extra selfish for using donor sperm to have a biological child when your husband can't. You should adopt to be fair to him. Fair to the planet. And there's lots of children who need love (I do not deny this but not right for us now)

[klassykringle]

Yes, they suggest it when you're infertile too. Because it's exactly the same thing, a newborn who you've bonded with and cared for from the first nanosecond, and somebody else's young child who has needs and issues which you can't necessarily understand, and might inadvertently make worse.

[attheendoftheday]

I don't think it's wrong. Single parent families are not worse families than any other type. Harder for the parent, but if you are up for it I think it's fine.

I think I would have done this if I had not met dp in time.

[JayDot500]

atthe but it's not just another case of single parent family scenario. I'm from a single parent family, but I know my dad (and how useless he was when I was younger). I could ask my mum about him, and get answers. I had pictures. I don't believe the two scenarios are the same, especially with anonymous donors (happily this practice is waning, the story above of the lady who's donor wrote a letter for her child is just amazing, I love that!).

Please, I am not saying it is wrong to want a baby using a sperm donor. I just don't believe we, who know our fathers, can speak on behalf of these children who don't. The promising thing about all of this is that donors who don't wish to be anonymous are available. If I ever had to make this decision, I think I would 100% go for a donor who wouldn't mind being contacted when the child is aged 18. But that's not speaking on behalf of all the donor children who felt the absence of a father growing up and it mad them sad, and sometimes angry. My own experience did affect me in ways I didn't even realise until I opened up to people.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

jay, that was me, and it's not 'amazing'. It's something the clinic requires him to do, and he did it.

He won't be the child's 'father'. Nor does he want or intend to be.

I appreciated the way he wrote the letter, because I thought it would be a good one for a child to read, so they could see that this was how he felt - not so that they could 'know their father' or something like that.

(On a tangent, but, you should have seen some of the other letters other donors wrote! Some of them were awful - like bad CV cover letters, all about them and how wonderful their genetic contribution would be.)

[Yohohoyo]

So a deadbeat father is better than not knowing who the father is. Great. As long as the child knows the face of the father regardless of how shit he is and doesn't contribute anything towards the upbringing of the child.
Wouldn't the hurt and sorrow be worst if a child knows who the deadbeat dad is and he doesn't want to know the child? Imagine the rejection.

[TheCursedOne]

It's all very easy to say that lots of children concieved naturally don't know their fathers because they are deadbeat dads but I doubt most women bringing up children in that situation intended that to be the case. To deliberately have a child knowing that they will not know who their father is and that the father will very likely not want to know them is a different matter.

Every child has a right to know where they came from, who they share 50% of their DNA with and who their extended family are, it is natural to want to know our family histories. Even if they are able to find their father at 18 due to the new rules, it will be way too late to have any kind of bond with that parent.

I would also worry about them meeting their father's family members not knowing they are related. Genetic sexual attraction is a real thing and could be a growing issue leading to genetic defects in their own babies as more and more IVF babies grow up.

As much as we would like to, is it not extremely arrogant to want to cut out the father's role in procreation and that includes after the birth.

Not all selfish to want a child, it's a biological mechanism, but it is selfish to not want to put the work into a relationship that will beget one so that the child does need to question who they are. Fertility issues aside.

LRD your child's sperm donor will be your his/her father. It would be pretty crass to deny that.

[YelloDraw]

You need to be really sure you have the emotional and financial support required - and have a FUCK of a lot of life insurance and incapacity insurance and income protection etc.

I would also recommend that you freeze your eggs ASAP. Several of my friends are doing this now (early-mid thirties, not in LTR or recent break ups etc). This is so that they have a 'free option' so if they want to use them they can, if not, only a few £k 'wasted'.

[BigGreenOlives]

I met someone recently who took this path, they now have 2 children, one in secondary school, the other slightly younger. She spent most of the time we met saying she'd love to have a husband. I think having children with no partner or support is much harder than people anticipate especially as the children get older. The woman in question is very aware that her children will go to university & then she will be back to being alone but in her 50s. She is financially stable with a great career and it is still incredibly hard.