To think it would be wrong to use a sperm donor?

[wintersbranches]

Would it be wrong to forget trying to find somebody, and just have a baby alone? Would they grow up and hate me for not having a dad?

[FrenchJunebug]

Winters I've never regretted going at it alone. Loving having my son in my life nor is my son regretting not having a dad. Go at it with your eyes open but better to be a single mum than regretting not having a child for the rest of your life.

[wintersbranches]

It's the way that it is done and the way people decide to make these 'important points.'

"I would give serious thought to how much support you have because it's incredibly difficult parenting alone. Your support doesn't need to be a partner but if you're thinking of doing it totally alone, I wouldn't" is fine.

"No one would choose this shit" I don't think is fine.

We all project on threads but Pissed if I'm honest I've seen your threads before and we have nothing in common, I am not saying that rudely, but we don't. For one you have four children. That's always going to be tough even with support. But this information is interesting as you went on and had three more after your DD the one causing the problems. You've also clearly had more than one relationship break down.

My situation is more straightforward in that I'm finding it hard to meet a man and as a result I am worried about reaching 40 and being Childless which isn't a situation I personally would choose.

[Geretrude]

OP - there is a Donor Conception board on MN - you'll probably get a more educated conversation: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception

FWIW, I know lots of donor-conceived children of single parents, including my own. One thing they all have in common is knowing (to a level of extreme boredom in most cases) how very wanted they were. I don't know anyone who has done it without thinking it through very carefully.

I also don't know anyone who has had trouble getting HFEA donor sperm either.

[Yohohoyo]

Again I agree with everything you said LRD
Being on the mobile with a crap network makes it harder to post more but thanks for eoching my thoughts better than I could have said it. Being a parent myself, it will be all too easy for me to give all the negative thoughts on the difficulties of having a child but that's not what the OP asked so saying anything as such would be a moot point!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

You don't think it's one-sided but you think everyone has made the same points?

No, everyone hasn't made the same points. You've just chosen to ignore the posts that weren't confirming your view. It's not a fair representation of the thread to claim everyone was on your side against the OP.

[HazelBite]

My SIL did this, she has played her cards very closely to her chest, and it is really no-ones business but hers, but without a partner at age 46 she had a son. (I am imagining she probably had egg donation as well)
My nephew is a delight he is loved and adored by all his much older cousins.
However my 29 year old son said he felt very sad when DN turned and said to him (whilst they were playing computer games) "I wish I had a Daddy"

[Pisssssedofff]

I don't think it's been one sided at all LDR - I think everyone has made the same points repeatedly. If there are/were other options. Take those, the single parent road is the toughest option of all.

[JayDot500]

I personally think Pissed has brought to you a very valid point about the importance of support. Yes, women are doing it on their own, but it's very important that you don't underestimate the power of support because truth is that most mothers find it tough going at some point. I have all the support in the world but an extremely clingy 9 month old who doesn't sleep well. It means a lot when I can hand him to his dad/whoever for even the smallest amount of time and do whatever I need to for sanity sake. And he's ill today too, which is so stressful right now I could have cried when my husband left for work today.

I actually do know a lady who has a donor child and she's doing well but her mum lives with her and is basically the second parent. That one to hand baby to when you have other important tasks to do. Believe me, her mum helps her out a lot in order for this woman to work and earn for her family.

Nobody here wishes you anything but the best of luck, but Pissed is probably one of the posters to take seriously because it ain't all rosy.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

But she is considering carefully? I don't see how her decision process is any different (in terms of care taken) that that of a same-sex couple. In fact it seems very similar.

I do agree with the OP that you're being quite rude and, to be honest, you seem to be lashing out at her because of the way your DD is with you. It's simply untrue to say that 99.9% of single parents would not choose to do this, and lying to pretend the thread has been so one-sided.

[Pisssssedofff]

Yes as a single parent I can tell you it's no fun, It's not something 99.9% of single parents would choose. Everyone on this thread has told you that. As I say you'll learn the hard way if you go down the path, there's no pleasure in being right. Good luck whatever you decide.

[wintersbranches]

Ah so it's just single parents who you think are inviting shit into their lives and you still don't see that you're being very rude?

[Pisssssedofff]

Nothing to do with male infertility, same sex couples or even gay single parents. They gave no choice but to go down this route and will have carefully considered how they will deal with the resulting consequences.

You have a choice and must also consider the worst possible consequences may happen to the child. And go from there.

[wintersbranches]

It isn't whether I choose to ignore it or not.

When you say

why you would invite this shit into your life

On a thread where posters who have problems with male infertility

Posters in same sex relationships

Posters who are single

already have children born this way it is too much.

There are ways you could have made the same point without being so bloody rude and disrespectful.

[Pisssssedofff]

I didn't not call the children of donors shit, the situation is shit that you and the child simply do not need in your life, if you can avoid it that's all I'm saying. Every single parent post I've read has told you it's a difficult path. If you want to ignore that and take it feel free it's only you that's affected.

[wintersbranches]

And she is not in an even remotely comparable situation

[wintersbranches]

Klassy if pissed needs support I understand that.

I do not mind an opposing view

But when parents of donor conceived children are posting and referred to as shit I draw a line

[klassykringle]

At the risk of being the thread police and making you snap at me too, Winters, you know I've been on your side about your right to have this baby - but I don't think the way you're talking is very kind and understanding right now.

Pisssed has some really valid points. She's in a very similar position to the one you want to be in, and is saying she's shattered and sad about her daughter at the moment. It could well be how your life turns out too (however temporarily). I appreciate that maybe you don't like hearing that, but it feels like you could be a bit more gracious in how you chat to her.

Counselling is a really good idea as someone explained above, it's all about you, not someone else at all.

Anyway I'll leave this thread now, all the best with your decisions.

Really hope things turn out better for you soon Pisssed. All teenagers can be a total nightmare

[wintersbranches]

Pissed, I would appreciate you leaving this thread now. I think you've said what you want to but I'm afraid as I've said the way you are doing so is really a bit much.

[Pisssssedofff]

You don't need it in your life if there is any alternative what so ever and neither does the child you're potentially inflicting this situation on. It's not what most people would choose sorry but it isn't. Damn hard work which you've no idea how hard it is until you get there, any mother will tell you that. No support either, it's not good.

[wintersbranches]

Pissed I am actually finding some of your posts really very offensive. I haven't decided what to do, but people have been wonderful in sharing their stories and "this shit" is an awful way to speak to/about them.

I think honesty is the key really if you (General you) go down this route.

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

There is a lot of looking down on single women by society. And this thread typifies much of it. 'Put the energy into meeting a dream man'? Dear God above. The seventies phoned and think you could do a spread for women and home magazine.



I don't think there is anything wrong with using doner sperm. Probably I would lean toward non anonymous (uk) just because if I had been done conceived anonymously I think it might drive me crazy with wondering about my other set of genes/history.
Agree with whoever pointed out that if all conditions had to be ideal to have a baby barely anyone would ever do it! I don't know any 35 year olds with their mortgage paid off and amazingly high paid jobs..
I had dc alone (unplanned ) and didn't have a pot to piss in. Wasn't easy to adjust from just me to full on total responsibility at all times (plus money worries) and we had a few rough times, but it's pretty easy now.
I have never mopped the floor at half eleven then got up at 6 am. But then I'm a lazy cah.
Agree with getting your fertility checked, just to see. You are not so old.

[QOD]

My dd is a surrogate baby as I'm infertile

Sorta similar

She seems unphased aged nearly 18 as she's always understood her biological mum had her for me

I can't see that it's THAT different. Oddly dd isn't very close at all to her dad, we are still together, he's just not touchy feely social kinda type.

I think you just have to tell the truth. The father didn't give them away, he knew how much you were wanted and helped mum.. without mum there'd be no you as he donated to make you
Which is pretty much what dd has always known. She wasn't given away. She was conceived for us. wouldn't have existed it it weren't for my infertility
In these days of absent dads and single mums with multiple fathers, as long as the resident parent wants the child - it's all good

[Pisssssedofff]

I'm a single mum and typing this whilst I do the ironing and mopping the kitchen floor at 11.35 pm ready to get up at 6am and drop them at school for 7.45am before going to do 8 hours st work.
There's an easy path to take and a hard one, if the 70's one is the easier path then yes please, you'll have s far more pleasant existence and less grey hairs that way. Without even going near the potential issues your donor child may or may not have. I just don't get why people want to invite this shit into your life if it's not absolutely last chance saloon which by the sounds of it it's not.

[Roofus]

I am donor conceived and entirely at peace with it. I am very much of the opinion that it was my fabulous dad that has shaped me and not my donor. For some people though, genetics plays a much greater part. .

If it's the route you choose, please, please be scrupulously honest with your child and the rest of your family from the outset. In general, children who find out when they are older or 'by accident' find it more difficult to come to terms with. Some adults never do.

Also be aware that it isn't just a donor father that is in the picture, but also potential half siblings. As others have said, your child will have the right to trace their donor in a way that didn't exist years ago and you need to know you have a strategy to deal with this.

[minipie]

I have to say, the only person I know of who has gone this route is now pregnant with twins and bricking it