To think it would be wrong to use a sperm donor?

[wintersbranches]

Would it be wrong to forget trying to find somebody, and just have a baby alone? Would they grow up and hate me for not having a dad?

[wintersbranches]

In some ways I agree WannaBe but I suppose the problem is I'm then basically not ever going to be a parent.

What try do with their life as an adult is always going to be their business. I would support them in that.

But I've probably not got enough support like I say.

[ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh]

Loads of people are single parents with no support. It's hard but defiantly doable.

[wintersbranches]

I know but I suppose it's the difference between finding yourself in a difficult situation and managing and choosing a difficult situation.

I'm not sure. I can't make up my mind whether it's right or not.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Namechanger I am very aware adoption is not the same - I have two adopted dc as well as five that are not.

[Andrewofgg]

When the law changed allowing donor conceived children to access their father's details people stopped donating, its a nightmare trying to get donor sperm now.

Yes, and the powers-that-be were warned that that would happen, but they did it anyway, and behold, it happened. It was pure dogmatic folly to change the law.

Donors were mostly students, 19/20 years old. Why would they want to risk a stranger turning up when they were pushing or just turned 40 and saying Hello, Daddy when they were likely to have an OH and children of their own? What sort of emotional blackmail might there be if they had prospered and the mother and child had not?

If I had done this before the law changed I would be nervous of it being changed again to allow the product of my donation to find me.

[AndNowItsSeven]

And neither am I suggesting it glibly, children where possible deserve two parents. Obviously their are single parents that raise their children fantastically and the fact their dc only have one parent is due to no fault of their own.
To have a child that will only have one parent as a conscious choice, is in my opinion no the right choice for a child.

[AndNowItsSeven]

*not

[wintersbranches]

No one would be turning up saying Hello Daddy but anyway, there are options like going abroad.

It's really how the child might feel about it.

[klassykringle]

As nicely as possible, I disagree. There are many, many people who were born to two parents, and were unwanted, or unloved, or just had an awful time of it - just glance at the Stately Homes threads (and that's just the emotionally abusive families).

Far better to have just one stable parent who was ready for you, wanted you, and loves you.

winter, can you talk to a counsellor in real life who can give you proper tailored advice?

But generally if you're ready and longing to be that truly loving parent, I think have as much a right to go for it as anyone else. At the very least explore how realistic it is (clinics etc).

[Namechangeemergency]

andnow so why the hell suggest it to someone who wants a baby?
Adoption is bad enough but foster?

[Runie1989]

I think it's wrong not for them not
To even know their father and have no chance to ever know them. Better for them
To at
Least have a father they know the name of so they can trace when they're older.

[klassykringle]

Why is it "wrong"? Would you judge the op if she'd had a one night stand, got pregnant, and hadn't got the bloke's name? Or if he'd lied and given her fake information?

Sometimes kids don't get to know their parents. It might not be ideal but it's not the end of the world. And I bet it's the kind of thing that counsellors and clinics could advise on how to handle from the very early days on.

[Mypurplecaravan]

Contact the donor conception network. It might help to talk to other women who have been through it.

My own son is donor sperm conceived. Heterosexual couple. He is not missing any family wannabe. He may seek out his donor when older. It is not a secret. Still too young to have much thought about it. He accepts me and his dad same as any other 5 year old would. There will be challenging times in teenage I am certain for what teenager has not shouted 'I didn't ask to be born' but I got through that vile stage myself. DS will too.

[suitcaseofdreams]

yes, DCN is a good source of information and advice and can put you in touch with others in similar situation to you as well as those who have gone ahead

Also try Fertility Friends forum - the Single Women board is a good place to chat to others debating the same issues

I am a single parent with donor conceived children and I don't regret my choice at all but ultimately only you can decide what is right for you - the above mentioned sites/organisations can hopefully help you with that decision

Best of luck...

[wintersbranches]

I don't really want to contact anybody to be honest - not being awful but it's got to be something I'm 100% comfortable with. I'm not sure I am. But I'm also very unhappy with not being a parent. Rock and hard place!

[BarbarianMum]

I know 2 children conceived in this way, both boys. Now in their teens both have gone from being perfectly accepting of the situation to having a degree of turmoil about not having fathers/ never being able to trace their fathers (sperm came with total donor anonomy). One is in counselling to try and work through his feelings. Hopefully as they grow they'll get more accepting of what is but last few years have been very tough on their mum's (and them). Consequently I would no longer just blythly say "you don't miss what you've never had" which is what I once believed.

Having said that, in your position maybe I would go ahead (but only using a donor who was willing to be identified once child reached 18). I'd be very careful to think through the practicalities though - I wouldn't go ahead without a good support network, excellent financial security., loads of insurance and a plan forwho would care for the child if of something happened to me.

[wintersbranches]

I don't have any of the things in your second paragraph. I don't think I can. It is a shame though.

[Yohohoyo]

Everything that klass said.

So many women have children without a good support system, excellent financial security and plenty of insurances! My goodness if these were the conditions to have a child, many women wouldn't become mothers. So many children are born where they know who their fathers are but the fathers couldn't give a shit about their wellbeing or whether they have eaten or are clothed are not. How many daily threads we are on mn where the fathers are shit and don't pay any maintenance for their children or live at home but don't help with the children where all the children work is wifework.

As a mother, there's nothing that compares to it. So in your place, I would go for it. You too deserve to be a mother and you child will be loved and looked after by you. Good luck

[Yohohoyo]

How many people who have responded on this thread don't have children?

[MouseholeCat]

I don't think it's wrong. Especially if you can afford it and think you can garner enough support, both financially and emotionally. Think it through, and have as much as a plan as this stuff can allow.

I don't think any child would grow up hating you for their not having a father, however.

I think this is more of a question of what it means for you, and whether you are ready for that particular challenge.

[klassykringle]

Why yoho?

[Lemon12345]

TBH I don't think you are happy with the options, either morally or otherwise. You seem very stuck. You desperately want a child but know time is ticking away... This would fix it but isn't something you really want to do. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

I think this has to be something you are sure of, and it's difficult to find that when asking such a mixed bunch. Did you read that article? It's quite interesting. The ones who seem to be more accepting are those told early on with support to find bio families and that's what I think is best.

[wintersbranches]

That's very true Lemony.

I did read the article but I'm not totally sure how relevant it is as it's mostly from the 70s/80s and from America.

[Yohohoyo]

Because as a parent, it's easy to say no don't do it, having a child is hard, think of the finances, security, support etc. Which fair enough is right. But a parent can say that because they have been pregnant, carried a child, gave birth and experienced all that.
But ask someone who has never been a parent and who desperately want to be one, given the choice of a sperm donor, what would they do?

Yes it's right to hope that all ideal conditions are met to have a child but life hardly works that way. So many women all over the world are having children and bringing them up without meeting all these ideal conditions.

[FilledSoda]

yohohoya, I don't.
I looked into all the options when I was younger though which is why I know a bit about it.
We had Ivf with dsperm right before it all stopped