AIBU to ask about your sex life post baby?

[Needtoknowanonymously]

Name change to keep hidden!

I have an 18 Mo DD. She was 6 weeks premier and a reflux/policy baby, and her sleep was, and is, shocking - the longest stretch she's done since birth is 3 hrs, and I'm up usually every 2 hrs (good night) to 40 Mum (bad night) through the night. I've read and commented on some of the recent threads about sleep and that's not really what this is about, though obviously a major factor - for the record, we've tried and failed with sleep training and I'm still breastfeeding, a few times in the night and quite a lot during the day.
Birth was quite traumatic (when isn't it!) And I had 3rd degree tears, healed now though. DH was horrified by the whole thing. He works 12 hr shifts and has a long commute, usually works 10 days out of 14, so I do most of the childcare and housework. I was made redundant on mat leave so not at work yet. No near family help.
So here it is - we haven't had sex since DD was born. We're both exhausted and hardly see each other, I go to bed with DD at 7ish which is the only way I can function with the disturbed nights. I go between being too tired to care and being angry and resentful that a big part of our relationship has gone, terrified of what's going to happen to our marriage and not knowing how to change things. What I want to know is am I the only one going through something like this? AIBU about expectations post children - what is it really like for people? People have other babies, so once there is sex post children, but how do you find time/energy?! This sounds light-hearted but I'm actually bloody miserable and feel so stuck :-(

Thank you this post has helped me too. I am 4 months pp and so far we have managed to dtd once. I had a straight forward birth and DS isn't too bad at sleeping (wakes every 3 hours atm but is sometimes better) but finding time and energy to have sex if near impossible. I still feel weird 'downstairs' and my libedo is non existant. I don't feel like myself and ache all over from carrying DS around all day. I miss that part of our relationship but tbh have to work hard to remember to show any physical affection towards DH as others have said am often just 'touched out' by the end of the day. Hopeful that this won't be forever and our relationship is based on much more than sex so I know we will get through it but talking about it regularly is key.

OP I totally get what you mean about missing the intimacy of a chat, too.
Sounds like you both have a lot on your plate.

This may sound wanky, but how about starting with a big hug every time he comes in from work or you pass each or whatever. Closeness, physical intimacy and a momentary relief and mutual reassurance that you are both together. A hug now and again tided me over a good few times.

(Plus you don't have to take off your pyjamas!)

Two reflux boys, second one far worse than first. no sex here either while they were bad, longest period without it was 19 months. Different ball game from the babies who sleep through. Good luck finding help - try looking down the allergy route there are consultants doing different medications from the standard "omeprazole and shut up" treatment.

My DH moved out of our bedroom on a near permanent basis as DD2 was a poor sleeper & they both disturbed each other. I co-slept and wanted sleep desperately. For the first 18 months we only rarely had sex. I didn't have any injuries & was fine but didn't enjoy being touched when ebf. The way we broke the cycle of drifting apart on intimacy was by having someone watch DD2 in the day while we had a date - could be lunch/ talking/ movie/ sex. It got us started & DH moved back to our bed, DD2 started sleeping better around the 18 month mark & we became more regular with sex. I didn't realise how much we missed it until we got it back. It really creates a distance between husband & wife - making them more like friends rather than man& woman. Can you look for daytime support for a few hours maybe on a Saturday? Even better if you can drop of your DD to the minder & have the house to yourselves.

"User1471... Thanks v much for that name, will definitely look into her - just when I was feeling I'd read the whole internet to no avail I clearly hadn't as not heard of her! DD is on medication, but I may need to go back to gp and HV (not much help beyond 'some just don't sleep well' but I should persevere)"

She really is helpful - I cried when I had an email from her team, I felt like finally someone understood. She has a chapter on reflux and sleep in her book and you can arrange a Skype call.. I think it was around £60 per half an hour, which depending on your situation may or may not sound like a lot... but I think when you are at your lowest ebb, you'd do anything! (by the way, I have no affiliation to her whatsoever!)

Going back to before you had your baby...if you had got up several times a night, every night, for seven months to complete a task - then try and fall asleep between each task - do you really think that you'd have been feeling at your sexiest best?

You are exhausted. There will always be people that you hear about that are existing on half an hours sleep a day, raising ten children whilst working their way through the karma suta, but you're not. It's not important what everyone else is doing, the only thing that matters is what you and your husband are doing and how you feel about it.

Sit down with him and tell him how you feel, tell him what you have told us and that you miss him. Ask him how he's feeling and what he is finding hard. You won't necessarily have the answers to solve it all in one go, but you'll both feel closer for being listened to and can start to agree on some steps forward. Maybe start with the sleep thing.. and work with an expert to create a plan for your family. To add that I found out that my dad was dying from cancer at what sounds like a similar time to your husband - I cannot emphasise the impact that additional stress, grief and worry has on you day to day... you are in the 'for worse' stage of your marriage vows. It's understandable that some areas of your relationship take a back seat whilst dealing with those things.

As for the reflux - if you think this is not being well managed, push for a referral to a paediatrician who specialises in this area. In my experience (and I feel like a reflux expert these days) GP's do not have enough information about the condition. Alison SW has a lot of useful advice on how to best take prescribed meds (ie, I hadn't been told not to take a particular medication one hour either side of a milk feed for example)

Take care and wishing you good luck x

Frank did you have a natural birth or C-section? As 13 days post vaginal birth the majority of women are still experiencing bleeding and the uterus is still healing. Feeling the pressure to resume a sex life with all this going on, not to mention a newborn to look after is the least sexy situation I could ever imagine and just seems incredibly forced.

I had a natural birth, had stopped bleeding and had no stitches or anything to heal. As I said, it was my idea, my initiation, absolutely no pressure. I don't require any pressure to have a sex drive. As I said in my earlier post I'm EBF, get up at least 6 times a night and DP and I still have sex most nights. Please stop implying I had to be pressured into wanting to have sex, it could not be further from the truth and I think if you'd look beyond your own experience other posters have confirmed similar experiences.

Op, to recap, you have:

had a prem baby
had a traumatic birth with tears
have a reflux baby
have baby that does not sleep through
is breast feeding that baby
have a terminally ill relative
have no family around to help
have a husband who works long hours

There's no comparison with someone who hasn't had those experiences, so I hope that that all of the responses on this thread are helping you to see that there are a lot of different situations and there is no 'normal' :0)
x

There's no comparison with someone who hasn't had those experiences, so I hope that that all of the responses on this thread are helping you to see that there are a lot of different situations and there is no 'normal'

This, exactly OP. Everyone is completely different. As long as it works for you and your DP everything is okay!

Can relate to some of what you've said. I have a 10 month old DD and our sex life is also non existent. We barely did it when I was pregnant and probably about once a week before that. I worry about it but in many ways we're closer than ever as we're a good team as parents. I think it'll come back in time.

You've been through so much and sleep deprivation is hideous. Maybe talk to your partner and be honest about how you're feeling about your life in general and specifically your sex life. Even having the conversation might help you to see the wood for the trees in the help you need with your baby and steps you can take together to improve things.

Thanks for posting. I'd worried we were a long way from the norm with our dwindling sex life so it's reassuring that lots of us are in the same boat.

It was six months before me and my ex had sex after our daughter was born and I didn't really feel like having sex for a long time after that.
We never really got back to where we were, but then we did have problems unrelated to the sex and eventually split up.
My friend had sex with her husband less than six weeks after giving birth and resumed a rampant sex life.
We are all different. If you have a decent partner they will understand.

Well I have a 10 month age difference between my 2 dc, people assume we were/are rampant rabbits!!
But it was really just a one off and we have never really resumed a frequent sex life again!

....sex life?
Nope, long distant memory.

I too am glad you posted. Mumsnet makes me feel like I am the only one like this normally. There's always a few who say they would not stay in a marriage without sex. I have 2 under 3 atm, and have dtd 3 times I think in the past year. I don't miss it. I'm just tired, and want space, not intimacy. It feels normal to me. I just hope that it will be different in years to come, but I by then I will have more sleep, and fewer tiny children!

Sex life? What sex life? With 2 kids, 2 demanding jobs and after 4 years of constant broken sleep we dtd about... once every three months maybe? Quite possibly less. I'm not especially bothered. Sleep is SO much more important right now.

That said, when we have a run of good sleep and we do have sex, I find I want it more, so I am hopeful that once the sleep returns the libido will too. I have been lucky and not had any physical issues (a few stitches each time but all healed quickly).

My son was born 3 months premature. Very traumatic birth. 10 weeks in NICU, heart surgery at 2 weeks, refkux, tongue tie u name it we had it. Breastfed him. He didn't sleep through until I night weaned him age 2. 4 years later and I've been disgnosed with adrenal fatigue and an autoimmune disease. I also got diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (very common with parents of premature babies) If I could give myself some advice back then I would have asked for help. I did every night wakening for 2 years. For 2 years I didn't sleep. My health has understandably nose dived because of it. Your sex life is not of utmost importance here. You have to mind your health. I really feel for you as I know what you are going through. It is so hard. I had to take a career break as the trauma and sleep deprivation meant I was barely functioning. It will get better. My son has slept through the past two years and I'm finally getting my health back.
Would u try night weaning? My husband helped with this and within a few days my son was sleeping through. This made a huge impact on my mental health. I wish you well x

I hope you're okay OP - a refluxy non-sleeper means fucking hard work and I feel for you. DD is 2.5 and still a shit sleeper, but does go around 5 hrs atm without waking so that's heaven compared to when she was younger.

As for sex - I waited until 12 weeks after she was born at least as I was nervous. And then we had sex sporadically. It is important to a relationship but, you know, so is actually surviving and keeping yourself sane and alive!

Loafingaround - Frank did you have a natural birth or C-section? As 13 days post vaginal birth the majority of women are still experiencing bleeding and the uterus is still healing. Feeling the pressure to resume a sex life with all this going on, not to mention a newborn to look after is the least sexy situation I could ever imagine and just seems incredibly forced.

I had a vaginal del. with each of mine. With DC4 i stopped bleeding at around day 10 and as i said we resumed our sex life at apx. 2 weeks gently. There was no pressure. More me pressuring DH tbh. I wanted to feel normal again and wanted ... sex, basically. I can't dress it up any other way! He didn't hammer away at me like a robot for hours doggy style or anything. We just had nice slow sex for a little while and everything was fine.

I think we've managed a couple of times so far this year... DCs are 5 & 3. DH has a demanding job, then comes home to a couple of hours of being treated as a human trampoline. By the time the DCs are in bed, we're happy to mutually sit quietly and have some personal space. We could do with a lock on our bedroom door as we don't trust not getting nocturnal intruders at an inconvenient moment. The times we have had sex have been rare days off together with children in childcare or after a rare night out when the children have been sleeping over.

We've also lost the habit through the pregnant/ night feeds years. It mystified me that we managed a DC2!

That sounds really hard. I think most peoples sex lives must be affected to some degree by having kids, and how much depends on the kind of baby. This phase won't last forever, at worst, in a couple if years you'll be back to almost normal. Could you aum to have sex in the day, at the weekend, while the baby is sleeping, or safely playing in other room?

Thank you all again for your understanding and sharing - I'm really sorry to hear others are going through similar but really glad it's helping to talk, it certainly is me.
I think people are right about night weaning, will look into Jay Gordon, DH has some time off in Jan after Xmas so we could try then. And I will try the talking/hugging suggestions - you've made me realise it's not all or nothing and I can at least make a start.
Kohi36 so sorry to hear all you've been through, your words really resonated with me - I think I do need to ask for help, the crazy thing is I'm sure my mum would come to give me a break or have me at hers, I just find it really hard to ask as I feel I should be able to cope - but you're right, in the end something has to give.
Thank you all.

OP, don't compare yourself with anyone else - there is no normal here.

I had a very traumatic birth, a reflux baby and PND. I can't remember when we started having sex again but I could count on one hand the amount of times it happened before DS was two. It hurt, I was sad, I was tired and I just couldn't be bothered. Things are back to our normal now but it took time.

You sound like you need some support OP. Sleep deprivation is horrible, and I know first hand how hard it is when your baby has reflux and can't settle. It doesn't feel like it now, but this stage will pass...