MIL has given some money towards the wedding. Can she invite guests?

[Dingarees]

I'm getting married soon. My family are paying the lion's share, myself and DP are paying quite a bit and MIL has given us a small but generous amount as she doesn't have a lot so it's very kind. We didn't expect anything and are very grateful for this.

MIL and DP did "their side" of guest list together ages ago. Both sides of the family have an equal number of guests. MIL has invited a handful of her friends (not ours but DP knows them I haven't met some of them) and they were on the original list. That's fine my parents are doing the same.

MIL now keeps mentioning extra people she would like us to invite to the evening. It's he evening so not as costly but it still costs some money and I don't know these people at all, DP vaguely knows them but wouldn't ever think of inviting them.

MIL is very good to us but I want to draw the line and not have people at my wedding I have never set eyes on before. A few is fine but I'd like to limit it. I don't want to upset MIL and feel because she's contributed to the cost I'm not in a position to say no.

AIBU?

If its the evening do and its not going to cause a fire hazard with too many people, I would say yes.

Haven't read the thread yet but my MIL (who was a nightmare at the time but is now utterly gorgeous and lovely) tried to do the same and I told her to get knotted.

Should add, the reason we said no is that my parents were funding all of it. We split the 120 guests in half and had 60 each. We have a large family and when our 60 were filled there was still family we couldn't include and she had filled their side with family and family friends. It stuck in my craw that she was making a fuss about chucking a few quid at it so acquaintances could come when there was family that we couldn't invite because our budget was used up.

Yabu. Can't have your cake and eat it. They pay towards wedding, they get a say.

I'd let her invite a few people to the evening do.

Both sets of parents contributed to our wedding, at no point did they tell us who to invite.

Dingarees it is yuor wedding so you do as you like but, and I do feel as it is the evening do it is not a big issue, why not let MIL invite a few more but make it clear that is it.

On your big day you will be so excited and happy you will hopefully not be too worried if you look out a sea of happy faces as you dash to the car and your honeymoon) to think 'Who is that?' Most people will not know or have met every single person at a wedding, unless your dp has really introduced you to all his work colleagues and distant relatives, and likewise I bet some people will be there who he does not know.

As your MIL-to-be is nice and kind I would indulge her, you are getting her most prized 'belonging' to keep for life, so you can afford to be generous!

You give your kids money to spent on their wedding AS THEY SO WISH. You shouldn't be giving money if your expectation is that 'I paid towards it so I get a say." It should be a gift. Was it given in the spirit of a gift or an exchange?

What I find weird is, why would they want to come?! I can't imagine wanting to go to a wedding where I didn't know at least one of the bride or groom really well.

YANBU OP. It's your wedding and you should have final say on the guest list. I love my DM but I had to rein her in quite a bit over our wedding guest list so I feel your pain.

I'm with 19lottie82 and her absolutely brilliant suggestion ... tell MIL you're almost up to the limit, then ask if she'd like to choose the "final 4" (or whatever)

It keeps things nice, shows a bit of compromise but still keeps things under some sort of control ... what could possibly be better?

Two issues there.

One is the cost. Can you afford to have a few more people there in the evening and can you afford to say to the same thing for your parents (no reason why you would say yes to MIL and not your mum)?

The other is hacking people there you don't really know. I will agree with some PP. Whoever is there, people you don't really know, you won't notice them or remember about them (unless they are spoiling everything, making themselves drunk etc... but I will assume it's not the case).
At our wedding, we had quite a lot of my PIL friends. They were people DH knew from his childhood but were very much his parents friends rather than his iyswim.
It gave the whole wedding a nice atmosphere. DH took the time to say hello to them and have a quick word but as far as I am concerned, they didn't I et réfère, made the wedding impersonal etc...
If you can afford it cost wise, then I would go for it.

As to why them been there, it's very much about your PIL being able to share an important day with close friends on the tope of family. I have found that for some people it IS an important thing.

Another way out is to say, "No sorry because if you invite xyz then your parents would want to invite abc and you really do need to draw a line somewhere. You also feel inviting acquaintances is like asking for a present from a stranger"

Its a really difficult situation to be put in and I swear I wish I'd been stronger and said No. We relented and said "Yes" to keep the peace goodwill etc etc but really the peace and goodwill went over other things later.

Many see it as the evening do is less important but for the B&G that is the only real time you get to socialize with your guests. You don't get time during the service, or the photos when guests are mingling and at the meal you are sat down.

Middlings "What I find weird is, why would they want to come?! I can't imagine wanting to go to a wedding where I didn't know at least one of the bride or groom really well."

OP, are these friends old family friends or new ones? If they are old family friends then you, as the bride-to-be, may not know them but they may know the groom-to-be's mum very well, and may have known the groom-to-be since he was a baby. they may not see him often but may hear stories of him and his exploits all the time from their friend, his mum. They may have attended his Christening, if he had one, brought him gifts as a child and looked at 100s photos of him over the years!

Why would they not want to be there to see him on his big day?

In many cultures a wedding is not just about two people marrying it is about two families, even two communities, coming together.

I still thin the happy couple can veto things but should only produce the 'not at my wedding' card when it is necessary.

The Op may not like it but her dh may have a big fan club of older people who have seen him grow and it seems a bit unreasonable to say no unless her dh to be is also adamant he does not want them there (or these people are actually new friends and unconnected to her dh to be!)

OP do you have kids yet? If no, one day, when you have kids, if you have kids, they may see how much family life is not just about the individuals, wider networks form of people who share common bonds, they may not be bonds of blood but of time spent and dreams shared. My friend kids are very important to me and if/when they marry I would be honoured to attend their weddings.

I mean that in the nicest possible way

If it didn't cost that much, the venue can accommodate and it's only one or two, I'd just say yes to keep the peace but with the caveat - absolutely no more.

I paid for the majority of my daughter's wedding. I had no input whatsoever into the guest list, either day or evening.

Is it normal to have parents draw up 'their' guest lists? Of people you've never met?
Not married - genuinely curious.

I think traditionally yes. My MIL has said that at her wedding there was barely anyone she knew. Maybe that's why she didn't interfere in ours.

ninkynonk14 re "Is it normal to have parents draw up 'their' guest lists? Of people you've never met?
Not married - genuinely curious."

I think it is if they are paying, in consultation with the people who are getting married. If the couple pay for everything they would probably do their own plan for who comes.

Of course there were people I had never met at my marriage, people known to/or in my husband's wider family.

Thank you for all the replies it's been very helpful. What is irritating me about this is that parents on both sides have been indulged and have chosen friends they want to invite and MIL keeps asking for a few more " just on the evening" and I want to put a stop to it. I don't want people I don't know at my wedding and I already have a few. I don't want to be introduced to strangers and making that effort to be polite to them. I can't say we have used up numbers as the evening is in a big marquee and she knows it can cater for more than we have.

This

OP, are these friends old family friends or new ones? If they are old family friends then you, as the bride-to-be, may not know them but they may know the groom-to-be's mum very well, and may have known the groom-to-be since he was a baby. they may not see him often but may hear stories of him and his exploits all the time from their friend, his mum. They may have attended his Christening, if he had one, brought him gifts as a child and looked at 100s photos of him over the years!

I find the words "I don't know" and "My wedding quite interesting. Isn't a wedding usually between 2 people ?

Op you and DH are going to have to put on a united front and say "Sorry no more" easier said than done but drawing the line for a wedding is so hard.

Backforgood

DP (and I have mentioned him throughout this thread!) doesn't want these extra people there. As I said he barely knows them.

I find it irritating MIL comes to me to ask for extras instead of him. I find as a bride no one asks the groom anything about the wedding they assume the bride is doing it all even when that isn't the case.