to not give DS1 (16) a lift to school in the mornings?

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

We live less than a mile from his secondary school. He walks most days, but about once a week he will complain about the weather "I left my coat at school, ...can't find an umbrella, ...have a project to take in" etc or will be late getting up, too tired to walk etc and will badger me for a lift to school.

Most of the time DS2 (12) has already left to walk to this same school by the time DS1 starts on about a lift. DD (9) is still getting ready as she leaves half an hour later.

AIBU to say "no, walk in the rain, put your project in a big bag" etc rather than pandering to him and leaving DD alone for 10 mins in the mornings getting ready while I ferry DS1 to school.

FWIW I work at home so am not usually washed and dressed until after the DCs leave for school, which means me having to drive him in my PJs or hurriedly get ready.

I'm getting fed up with him asking and it starts my day on a sour note having an argument where he tells me what a crap mother I am for not giving him a lift.

Absolutely fine to leave a 9 year old alone for 10 minutes.

Absolutely not fine to be bullied by a 16 year old!

As Bertrand, Paradise, Wonder and others have all said, it's as much about the attitude as the lift itself.

Yes it's a pain in the arse having to get dressed and go out in the cold, still bleary eyed (I have a health condition that means I get tired a lot and it takes me a good hour or two to feel awake in the mornings!!), then fight through the traffic. But the worst part of it is that he's an ungrateful bugger and will demand the same again next week for some random reason and get huffy again, telling me how mean I am if I say no.

If he were to ask nicely, as he occasionally does, and as DS2 occasionally does (DS2 woke up late one day and was in tears as it was already the time he usually leaves, so I happily gave him a lift. I got him to phone DS1 who had just left to ask if he wanted a lift too.) then I would be more prepared to do it. It's like so much with him, just the entitled stroppyness that makes me not want to help him.

And don't even get me started on the cup of tea Wonder! He won't touch tea bags because they smell funny and despite being able to cook himself a meal, can't possibly make anything for anyone else.

DP (not his dad) says I should be the grown up and take the high road, but I have had years of this attitude and I really can't be arsed any more. I once spent £400 on buying him something to replace one that he'd had stolen. He then used that as a reason to demand more because I'd obviously been able to afford that, so why not get him XYZ as well

Think maybe this is about more than just lifts to school!!

And yes Olive, it does mean leaving 9 yo DD alone. It used to be DS2 and her left at home together, when he was 11 and she was 8, but now he's at secondary too he leaves earlier. I think she's fine for 10 minutes but I'd still rather not. It's a bit of a borderline thing for me.

And I'm not talking torrential rain here, sometimes it barely drizzling but because the ground is wet it looks worse than it is. I know it's no fun sitting around in wet clothes, but he has two perfectly good coats. He says he has nowhere to hang them to dry when he gets there. I tell him that's not my problem and he gets angry with me.

The "nowhere to dry" wet coats is a genuine problem for secondary school problems I think. But every other child must get wet/have a wetpackamac they put in a bag in their locker/have an umbrella they put wet in a bag in their locker.

He sounds like he needs to learn some life lessons before being unleashed on the world!

Careful OP, he'll end up being that person at work that people talk about on here where they expect lifts to work from random colleagues.

Hmm, I wouldn't do it as a matter of course - it has to be infrequent enough to be appreciated - but I do relish the opportunity to talk with my teenagers when we're in the car together on our own - they can't escape!

We live half a mile from school. DS (14) walks. If it is absolutely throwing it down I will give him a lift as I don't want him sitting in wet clothes all day and he doesn't have a locker and there's no cloakroom, so nowhere to keep a wet coat/overtrousers etc.

But it has to be tipping it down, not just a bit of rain. I've probably taken him 3-4 times so far and he's in year 9.

Rent He sounds like he needs to learn some life lessons before being unleashed on the world!

Yes, I don't mind occasionally, but it seems the more I agree, the more shirty he gets when I don't !

I am very wary of him becoming that housemate or that colleague that everyone moans about, so trying hard to instil some consideration, but it's like banging my head against a wall sometimes!

He does at least tidy his room and change his bed before his GF comes over, he is capable of putting on a wash and then only hanging up his own stuff so he does have some life skills.

Unfortunately he hasn't learned the art of diplomacy and the old saying "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" has totally passed him by!

Just don't do it. When he gets shitty make the point that nobody will do him favours if he acts like an arse and if he wants people to help him out, they need to feel respected.

Don't ever give in to it, each time you give in you start the long battle again.

Teenagers are eerily similar to toddlers, he's basically throwing himself on the floor in the middle of Tesco and deliberately wetting himself because you won't buy him sweeties.

He'll grow out of it.

Not entirely about attitude imho. Pollution and fuel waste are genuine problems and I can't see any justification to get the car out to spare a healthy 16yo a 1 mile walk. Much better for his health to get used to exercise as a natural part of the day.

Good point cory, I don't drive many miles and my car is on a lease with limited mileage so any extra will cost me money too. Unnecessary journeys could end up costing me twice, as well as having an environmental impact. The last time I gave in was just after I'd got my new car, so was happy to have an excuse to drive it, but it seems to have set a precedent. Going to have to be firm

Rent, I think I love you!

I will give lifts to teens as long as they are greatful and nice.

Rent spot on.

I had at one stage 2 toddlers and 2 teens and basically parenting strategy s were identical.

At 16 he should be managing his time better. How on earth will he cope at 6th form or work if he can't even get up in the morning?

Could you sit him down with a coffee and tell him straight just what you told us?

And remember there's still a lot of growing and maturing from 16 to adult hood. He may be a hell of a lot better by 18/19.

Greengoddess12

Telling them not to stick things where they shouldn't, to stop touching their genitalia and putting up with tantrums - the main parenting techniques/skills for toddlers and teens!

Id maybe say "every morning that you bring me a brew at 7am and then meet me at the front door ready to go at 8am I will drive you to school".

"Every time you start an argument with me, you lose your lift the next morning"

Wot rent said.

And on behalf of everyone everywhere who has one of those colleagues (woe betide you when they are the boss) pleeeesssseeee don't pander to them. Set out your stall, be clear what you will do then stick to it and never, ever show that the wingeing gets to you. He may claim that he refuses to learn life lessons from you, but what would he be learning if he found that he could winge his way to a lift from you. Stay strong , make the world a slightly better place. Thank you.

Rent

NapQueen I like it. It would essentially mean I never have to give him a lift, but I will be offering it every single day!

I wouldn't , unless it was really pissing down. Less than a mile to walk is absolutely nothing.