Help needed over family Christmas

[Peanutandphoenix]

Hi all sorry if this is long I don't want to drip feed and it's more of a WWYD than a AIBU I have just had to tell my mum that I will be working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day so she won't get to see me and she's really upset and angry about it for some reason she thought I didn't have to work Christmas and it's the 2nd year running that I've worked Christmas Day. I can't change my shifts because I'm a care assistant and I work nights and everyone's shifts have been sorted out. I can understand why she's upset about it because last year both me and my dad missed out on Christmas Day because my dad was ill and I had work in the night so it ended up being just her, my DSis and my dn and my mum said it was horrible and didn't feel like Christmas. I tried to make her feel better about the whole thing by telling her that I'm off for my birthday which is 3 days before Christmas but I don't think that made her feel any better. I didn't mean to upset her I know she wanted a big family Christmas this year but there's noting I can do about my shifts but I feel bad about it all now. WWYD in my situation.

Yamadori that's a brilliant idea what a lovely thing for his parents to do great way to at least get to spend a bit of time with their son on Christmas Day.

Are you working at the same place as last year? If so why are you working Christmas again?

So it's a repeated pattern - they book stuff without checking your shifts and then it's your fault that you've spoilt it by not being there?

It's like you are being set up to fail isn't it? Does this behaviour ever happen in other settings?

Would it help to point out that for the next big family gathering that you are the one with the most inflexible leave so if they really want you there, could they check with you before fixing a date?

I think that you need to put your guilt in a box marked unreasonable mum behaviour and close it tight! Your mum needs to grow up. I absolutely do not expect my dds to be at home every Christmas. If they had to work, or just wanted to lie on a beach so be it.

Yes I'm working in the same place as last year and I'm doing Christmas again because I get put on whatever nights they want me to work I get no say over it. Wolpertinger yeah it's a repeated pattern they always plan to do things without checking with me first and then I get the blame when I can't be there and they go ahead and do it without me and then put the pictures up on Facebook just to make me feel better about missing out. They do just set me up to fail and my mum has a habit of guilt tripping me when I say can't do something because I'm doing something else I always get the whole well next time you want something doing don't ask me because you won't do this for me. It would probably help to point that one out but it will never get done they will just carry on making plans and expecting me to drop everything to be there.

Thanks greenfolder your right this one will be going in the mum's being unreasonable box. I know she does but she always expects things to be done her way and if it's not then she's not happy about it.

Nothing to add that others haven't said except thank you for working on Christmas Day, people like you make sure that my grandparents can get up, dressed etc. So they can see their families on Christmas Day and in their 90s it feels more important every year.

Suspected it wouldn't help to point it out - very disappointing but I think you have a scapegoat role in the family where adjustments would be made if it were your sister that won't be made for you. May always have been the case or just since she provided the grandchildren?

First thing is to see it for what it is and free yourself from the guilt.

In time you will have a partner, children of your own your own pics all over facebook , these big matriarchal family gatherings become more and more ridiculous as more and more additional family members wishes and arrangements have to be ridden roughshod over so your mum and sister get 'the perfect family Christmas'.

As greenfolder says, you should be going because you want to, not because you'll feel guilty if you don't. That's a red flag straightaway that something is wrong here.

Enjoy your life, your residents and their families thank-you for your hard work on Christmas Day.

Posters have made you feel 'a little less guilty about having to work'?

You shouldn't have to feel 'guilty' at all.

And I echo what others have said. Thank you for working over Christmas looking after other people. Maybe you should remind your mother that one day she will depend on other people's sons and daughters looking after her@

OP as a nurse I understand. I've worked the last 2 christmases and New Years (only had the one before off as I was on mat leave!).

My mum complained and sulked horrendously, even calling me on the day to say they were all having a crap time. This year I've somehow winged the entire festive period off and she has decided she doesn't want to spend Christmas with me as DB doesn't (he is a classic case of NPD and hasn't spoken to me since DD was born as ultimately he's no longer the baby of the family and is jealous). Sometimes you just can't win with families but you can choose to rise above it. Your mother has a right to be disappointed but not to be angry with you nor express that. Hope you have a good season and take comfort in that you're undoubtedly making Christmas so much better for those you care for

kaytee87 thank you for your kind words. wolpertingo I do have the scapegoat role in the family and my sister has always been treated like she can do no wrong it just seems to have got worse since she had her daughter. I have kind of stopped feeling guilty about it now beceuse there really is nothing that I can do about it. Your right eventually I will have my own partner and children and my own happy family pics to put all over Facebook and then I won't need to play a part in whatever kind of Christmas my mum wants. I know there is a lot wrong here I will always be made to feel guilty about the choices that I make of my mum doesn't agree with it. Thank you Hun think I would rather spend my Christmas Day with my residents at least they don't complain . cozietosie your right I shouldn't have to feel guilty about it but my mum has a way of making me feel guilty. greenfolder thank you Hun I will be reminding my mum of that one she should be nice to her kids because one day we'll be choosing her nursing home lol. drquinzel at least you understand where am coming from and how rubbish it is to have to work Christmas but we do because we have to. Oh nice am so sorry that your own mum and brother don't even want to spend it with you but if you where working they would be the first people to complain about not getting to see you. Your brother sounds extremely childish tbf. Your right I will just have to accept that I'm never going to win with my mum. I understand why she's upset but she really didn't need to have a go at me over it like it's all my fault but I will be the bigger person and just rise above it all. Thank you hunni I hope you and your daughter have a great Christmas. Xxxx