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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Crap day at work. Have I been stupid and cocked this right up?

85 replies

VinoTime · 16/11/2016 22:01

At work today finishing up in one department before moving on to start helping out in another. A male colleague that I'm friendly with suddenly ran up behind me, grabbed onto my face and wiped the wet sleeves of his filthy outdoor work coat all over me. His department works outside so they have to wear waterproof high vis coats - they don't have their own individual coats, they get worn by any member of staff who needs them and pegged up in the warehouse when not being used. They don't get cleaned very often and frankly, they're disgusting. This member of staff knows that I have some issues with cleanliness and germs. It's not debilitating and I wouldn't have said it ever negatively impacts my day-to-day life, but it is 'obvious' enough for most people at work to recognise that I can be a bit particular at times.

Suffice to say that when this person, who I have always counted as a friend, grabbed my face this morning I felt myself panic quite a lot. I became quite tearful for a number of reasons - the thought of all the germs on my face, the thought of having 5 hours to go before I could get home and wash my face properly, the terror I felt at being grabbed and surprised (I was sexually assaulted as a teen and don't always do well with male contact, though obviously nobody at works knows about this), and feeling generally quite hurt that he'd done it knowing I have a few ...issues. My knee jerk reaction was to shout "What are you dong? Don't ever do that to me again!" quite loudly and also very forcefully. Totally out of character for me being the usually too nice wet blanket that I am. He was evidently taken aback by my reaction and tried to say that the coat was clean and that I should calm down, at which point I yelled that that was no excuse and he had no right to do that to me. He skulked off looking a bit bemused and I went to the toilets and burst into tears, feeling like my heart was actually going to come through my chest.

I spent the rest of the day with my makeup smeared, scratching at my face (which has cracked and bled in several places) and feeling very jumpy. As soon as I got myself cleaned up and calm enough I went to start helping out in the other department, at which point my manager, who I get on very well with, instantly asked me what was wrong. Said manager hired me several years ago and we have a good working relationship. He knows me better than anyone else at work and after some pressing, I explained what had happened. He became quite angry on my behalf, fully understanding how the situation would make me feel. He asked me if I wanted him to have words with the colleague, I said no and that I'd dealt with it. He told me to take 10 and go have a cup of tea, which I did, and then I powered on with work.

At the end of my shift as I was leaving the building, my colleague approached, got quite in my face and said "If you've got a fucking problem in future, come and speak to me about it. Don't get XXXXXX to do it for you and don't bother speaking to me again." Sad

I can only assume my manager felt strongly enough about the situation that he did in fact, go and have words with him. And now my colleague is upset with me. I couldn't help my reaction and I can't help how I feel. I wish I was the kind of person who could just laugh that off as a joke, but I can't. I don't find it funny. I think it's cruel to play practical jokes on people you know have certain limitations, and who will ultimately struggle with it afterwards. At the same time, I fully recognise that these are my limitations and I wonder if I've seriously messed up today? Was I wrong or unreasonable to call him on it and should I have just kept my mouth shut, both to him and to my manager? I didn't say anything with the aim of getting him into trouble Sad

OP posts:
Cucumber5 · 16/11/2016 23:47

It would have been better for him to to apologise instead.

krustykittens · 16/11/2016 23:47

You were not in teh wrong at all, your colleague had no right to put his hands on you and to play such a horrible 'joke' on you. His reaction to being pulled up by his manager shows that no matter how he may have seemed to you before, he's a bully. I echo the advice others have given about reporting his later verbal abuse. This is not acceptable, in the work place or anywhere else.

ChuckGravestones · 16/11/2016 23:48

Can i just point out that of course your manager is worried about you and of course they are within their rights to informally warm this colleague off and there is no way you should feel bad about it. In fac they have a duty of care and did exactly the right thing.

I would also let your manager know about this and take this colleague up on the offer of never talking to him again. What a dickhead.

Beeziekn33ze · 16/11/2016 23:53

Nasty bully, they are always excusing their behaviour with 'just a joke' , 'can't you take it?' or 'banter'

TheProblemOfSusan · 17/11/2016 00:02

Both things were completely out of order. He took a difficult situation where he'd done something wrong and made it worse with good shitty behaviour afterwards.

Report him to your manager again but this time do it in writing, and recap the first incident in writing when you do. Calmly and descriptively, try and leave emotion out of it.

This was an awful thing to do and I feel like he was acting out like a toddler who's toy was being taken away - but. I'm a little concerned about the depth of your reaction. To be that afraid of germs must be debilitating for you. Might be worth a word at the gps?

Inertia · 17/11/2016 00:09

You haven't messed up- in the circumstances you have been a model of professionalism.

Your colleague has behaved appallingly, twice. The second incident clearly shows that he intends to intimidate and threaten you. I think it would be a good idea to write up an account of the events and exactly what was said and how, and go back to your manager.

Pallisers · 17/11/2016 00:10

I think the first incidence was just badly judged horse play on his part and he probably doesn't get the germ thing PROPERLY. The second was a reaction to his boss having a right go at him and him not understanding the issue fully. context is everything. If he is genuinely nice but misjudged things, fair doos. If he was pushing boundaries inappropriately report him.

This interpretation is why bullies get away with so much for so long. Us nice people can't believe they are really behaving that badly just for fun. But they are.

I think it is fair to say he was pushing boundaries inappropriately (mild way to describe it)

At the end of my shift as I was leaving the building, my colleague approached, got quite in my face and said "If you've got a fucking problem in future, come and speak to me about it. Don't get XXXXXX to do it for you and don't bother speaking to me again." sad

he seemed nice but he isn't. Report this second incident. There will be more incidents with this guy. his is not a normal response from a "nice guy"

LondonNicki · 17/11/2016 00:27

Hey

I work in HR

This is shocking to me and if I was your HR manager I would be suggesting to you to submit a grievance so the incident could be investigated. Any issues you may have around cleanliness are irrelevant- he grabbed you from behind and then got in your face like that? Totally unacceptable and yes it would be gross misconduct if an investigation found that was the case, he would be fired

Sorry but in my 20 years HR experience I have never dealt with a case like that.

Your manager sounds lovely and supportive so you should speak to him again and your HR manager.

Please do remember any cleanliness issues you may have are irrelevant. No one would be ok with this so please don't be blaming yourself in any way.

He needs to be dealt with.

LondonNicki · 17/11/2016 00:31

I'm really cross on your behalf so message me if you want a chat about what to do next x

PerspicaciaTick · 17/11/2016 00:56

Fuck up no.1 - Failing to realise how upsetting you would find the whole grabbing and wiping thing.

Fuck up no. 2 - Compounding the offence by attacking you verbally.

After FU no. 1 there was still of chance of redeeming himself if he had taken his ticking off by the manager seriously and given you a genuine and grovelling apology. But he chose to attack you again, despite knowing his behaviour was on the manager's radar. Either he is cast-iron git or he has some sort of job-related death wish.

LittlePaintBox · 17/11/2016 01:00

YANBU, regardless of whether you have a particular issue with germs, or have had a previous bad experience, a co-worker does not have the right to grab you and wipe his coat on you.

Telling you not to talk to the manager about him is the reaction of a bully. He has been found out and now he is embarrassed, though not ashamed, which he should be.

You should definitely inform the manager of this second incident. As others have said, he is not a 'nice bloke', because someone who genuinely cares about you and respects you doesn't do any of the things he's done.

The fact that you are blaming yourself shows what a nasty piece of work he is. There is no excuse for the coat episode, and no excuse for getting in your face and bullying you. I suspect if he's done this to you he might have done similar things to others.

Josieannathe2nd · 17/11/2016 01:02

Not your fault at all. Also- well done you for telling him immediately to stop. Your manager must have been concerned enough to take things further which is another sign you weren't over reacting. You do need to let your manager know your colleagues response- an apology would have been far more appropriate and unfortunately, your colleague has now escalated the situation. As a manager I would be deeply concerned about the way your colleague responded to criticism and would begin a formal disciplinary (if indeed one hadn't been started). While that's not what you asked for the problem is your colleagues behaviour- not you at all.

0urKid · 17/11/2016 01:47

Something very similar happened to me. I can't say exactly what because it's very identifying. I too had someone come up to me and hiss in my face something along the lines of "Rather than talking behind my back have the guts to talk to me personally... now I'll just blank you...blah blah blah..." The situation had been none of my doing I just happened to witness something that was a prank that could've gone seriously wrong as in the victim being seriously injured or even killed. It shocked me but I'd not seen my manager til the next day and I intended on telling him but He'd already heard something so asked me. I just said what happened. That evening I was confronted and the aggressiveness started. He knew he was in trouble and had fucked up. Rather than hold his hands up and apologise he made it worse. I knew if I went and told my manager what he said he'd be angry but he was angry anyway. So I told and he had no choice but to be angry from another job. Didn't fancy working with him after his prank anyway.

SquirrelWatcher · 17/11/2016 02:02

To add, yes would be viewed as gross misconduct by my company too.

ilovesooty · 17/11/2016 02:23

You did nothing wrong. The second incident needs reporting - formally. His behaviour was completely unacceptable.

PoldarksBreeches · 17/11/2016 02:40

Please report his behaviour afterwards. He's completely in the wrong.

TotallyOuting · 17/11/2016 02:42

But from your last post about him, it sounds like he may have a crush on you.

This occurred to me too. And then I realised that most times I've known men to have a crush and lash out inappropriately like this, they weren't nice guys at all, though they often considered themselves to be the ultimate nice guys. They generally happened to have a tendency to show a sense of entitlement and be potentially quite dangerous, and I thanked my lucky stars I never got into an actual relationship with them to see how those traits panned out in a context where they had established more control.

LetsAllEatCakes · 17/11/2016 07:41

Yanbu at all op. What he did could have triggered a reaction in a number of people for different reasons.

He should have come up and apologised to you profusely. The fact he was so rude was out of order. I'd be more on edge after that! Good on you for telling him he was out of order at the time.

You need to let your manager know. You have no idea how he'll be towards you at work now. He could slink off, realise he was an arse and later apologise. Or he could get more narky, start making belittling comments and putting you on edge.

Obviouspretzel · 17/11/2016 07:45

The fact is, if he was a nice guy, he would have been mortified after the talk with the manager, realised he'd done something that, at first, seemed funny but was in fact a mistake and come up to you to apologise for how he made you feel.

His reaction afterwards was disgusting, and I wouldn't worry about not bothering him any more because he's obviously a prick anyway.

LagunaBubbles · 17/11/2016 07:48

Report him officially for the comments he's made now.

Trifleorbust · 17/11/2016 07:53

Some people genuinely think their 'jokes' are always funny, irrespective of how they actually make others feel. Funnily enough, these are often the same people who get angry when others don't respond to them with good humour and tolerance of their inappropriate behaviour. He has thrown his toys out because you objected to being manhandled at work and having dirt rubbed all over you. Now admittedly, there are some people would find that funny and others who would laugh it off and not get upset, but that isn't your responsibility. I would now be speaking to my manager about his aggression - it is a totally unacceptable and threatening way to speak to someone else in the workplace.

shinynewusername · 17/11/2016 08:10

Please report his further outrageous behaviour to your boss. His later behaviour was even worse than the initial event. The first incident was a totally inappropriate way for him to behave but could possibly be forgiven as a crass misjudgement (though that would actually be more charitable than I would be inclined to be). The second incident is a very clear cut case of workplace bullying. He was in the wrong, someone senior to him spoke to him about it and he decided to act in a threatening way towards you as a result

This - 100%.

acatcalledjohn · 17/11/2016 08:12

At the same time, I fully recognise that these are my limitations and I wonder if I've seriously messed up today?

No, you have categorically not messed up.?Your limitations are your limitations. I saw someone yesterday who stated her manager has smacked her bum more than once. She accepts it, yet I think she should hit him right back use his danglies for target practice. Limitations differ, and yours are just at valid as someone else's. If it makes you cry & panic then of course it really matters.

The guy had a serious nerve talking to you like that afterwards. You have to nip it in the bud now by reporting him for his threat, if only because it shows no remorse for making you feel shit in the first place. If he kept a separate roll of sweets for you then he can't claim ignorance of your feelings surrounding germs.

If you don't report he'll do it again, perhaps to someone else.

Flowers
CwtchesAndCuddles · 17/11/2016 08:21

Absolutely report back to your manager about what your colleague said at the end of the day. A decent person would have apologised not shouted at you!!!

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 17/11/2016 08:38

Vino
In your post of 22:23 yesterday, you describe what looks like unintentional flirting. He has been keeping sweets just for you and you have appreciated his gesture...

Oh what tangled mess we make when we mistake one thing for another. Everything made worse by your history, which he has no reason to know about which lead to you reacting badly then being very upset at being hauled up by the boss...

He was out of order
You reacted badly
Your manager saw something, he was heavy handed
Your colleague is angry
You sre now upset..

I hope you can all take two setps sideways and find a way out othewise this could end badly for all parties.

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