To think that school just isn't for everyone?

[Stanky]

We've been to parents evenings over the last few years, and ds tends to drift and daydream at school. He sometimes sits and does nothing. He's not disrupting any other children, but he just sits there staring into space.

Tbh, I was a bit like this at school. I would just sit there and think that in a hundred years time, none of this will matter, we'll all be dead any way. I couldn't wait for school to be over. I don't mean the school day, I mean that I was counting down the years for it to be over and done with.

I know that's a terrible attitude to have, but I was bullied at school, had no friends and just wasn't interested.

Luckily, I did ok at exams. I don't think that I was clever, but I was just lucky at winging it and passing exams. I didn't revise, stress or panic. I just didn't care.

I do worry a little bit about ds, but I completely relate to him just sitting there, zoning out and doing the bare minimum.

I was never going to be a rocket scientist or a doctor, but I've got a job and I'm content in that regard.

I am grateful for an education, as I believe that everyone should have the right to one, and very bright young people should have the right to higher education, regardless of financial background.

Are there others out there like me, who just sort of day dreamed through school, and didn't really worry about it?

I've never fitted in any where, so maybe not. When I was at school, it seemed that kids were either serious about it, or destructive and disruptive about it.

Dd1 I mean

It is a ridiculous concept that the same desk based schooling system will get the best out of every child. I have seen so many children who 'do badly' at school and get labelled as disruptive or stupid go on to achieve great things when they find employment that fits them. One boy in particular springs to mind. He was a nightmare at school and left at 16 to become an apprentice to a plumber. He is a brilliant plumber. The logic and practicality of the job come completely naturally to him in a way word based learning never did. He engages well with his customers (the chattiness that got him into trouble at school is an asset there). The constant changes of location stimulate him so he doesn't act out through boredom anymore. And he is so thrilled to be in an environment where he is praised and well thought of that he constantly goes the extra mile for his boss and clients just for the sheer pleasure of being told 'Well done'.

That said, our current system is ridiculous but I can't think of a better one.

I was like this too, so was my DP and my sister. Yes to feeling like you don't fit in, I actually used to fake caring about an exam result because people found my attitude so strange. I'm like it with work too though, I don't mind my job and it's always very busy so I don't have time to switch off or daydream but I almost have to keep up a pretence. If I had an office job I know I'd be even worse. Good to know I'm not alone .

These are definitely the type of kids that fade into the background in comps (don't know about private).

That's why mine are now home educated. They've progressed very well and really enjoy it.

YANBU. I home ed my child due to the issues you describe. And as a teacher I can think of plenty of children who just don't suit school and would thrive in a different environment.
And it's just not true that home - ed kids are isolated and lack opportunities to socialise. In fact, it's quite the opposite

YANBU. How can one set way of teaching in a large group, expecting everyone to conform, dress the same and generally not stand out suit every individual? Obviously they can't cater to each child's preferred learning style, but it's no surprise that school doesn't suit all children. My friend's son is one such child - very active, high IQ, can barely write due to severe dyslexia (which the school are not supporting), ADHD. He's never going to hold down a job in an office but will do brilliantly at creating things with his hands/ fixing stuff.

My DS1 had a difficult start in a private school that was very very conformist. He'd been given an 80% scholarship because he was academically gifted but they couldn't cope with the fact that he needed to be stimulated or would act up. Home educated him for the rest of the term, then moved him schools and he was like a different child.

Yanbu

I think the quote explains a lot about why

'Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole
Life believing it is stupid' Albert Einstein

I am an ex teacher, currently home educating my nine year old autistic son. We wasted three precious years of our sons life, by allowing him to be squashed as he tried to fit into an education system that had not considered the needs of autistic children. Inclusion is spectacularly failing children on the spectrum and so many others too! Special education schools have refused my son claiming that they could not meet his intellectual needs (ds was incredibly clever intellectually but way behind socially). Yet the mainstream schools could not meet his social, sensory and emotional needs. My son was spending sometimes whole days hidden in a sensory tent escaping the sensory overload that is open plan learning.

Since pulling my son from school to home educate, our son has gone from being one year behind to three years ahead in some subjects. He is happy, thriving and actually learning.
It breaks my heart to see other autistic children, being failed by a system that did not even consider their needs when it was designed.

Autistic children are not the only ones who are floundering in a system that doesn't meet their learning styles/ individual needs. I think it is so important however, to realise that if you are unhappy with your child's education you do have other options. Just because your child is struggling in one setting, doesn't mean that they won't flourish in a different setting. Our daughter was struggling in our local school, she was miserable and not anywhere near where she should have been. We tried home educating her but quickly found that home educating was not for our daughter. We placed her in a school ten minutes drive from our home and she is now flourishing. Her eyes light up when she talks about what they are doing during the day! Our son would still not cope at all in her new school, but that doesn't bother us. We finally have two happy to be learning, switched on children, who are flourishing in having their social, emotional and educational needs met. Unfortunately not all children are so lucky, we realise how fortunate we are,to be in a position to home educate our son and be able to find a place in an alternative school....

(Please excuse typos/ grammar, I can spell/ punctuate but a streaming cold makes that much harder!)

Misty -isn't that the truth!! Today is a rare day at home, otherwise we are usually out at clubs, groups, meet ups, the park, museums, and all sorts of things. My dcs have a much better social life than they ever had in school.

I home educate, my SN ds went to school for four years and was failed horribly. He has made so much academic progress since leaving and his confidence has soared. My other ds is very bright indeed but would not thrive in the present system. I'm very much a supporter of the education system, but not as it is at the moment. I really feel for teachers.
Quite a lot of the HE's I know have children with SEN or who are G&T, most in fact. The socialisation aspect is mainly a myth, my ds had got to the age where difference was not embraced any longer as cute or quirky but strange and embarrassing to his peers.
I think teachers have such a difficult job. There is no way my eldest ds could have made the academic progress he has made at home because of the bureaucratic tick boxing nonsense they are forced to adhere to.
Inclusion is an illusion. To quote The Thick of It.

I enjoyed primary school mostly, was a small one class entry with dedicated and interesting teachers. Hated secondary, big comprehensive on rough estate (primary was also council estate but not as rough as the comp). Some good interesting teachers many of whom had been at the school for decades. But it was just too big with too many children who just didn't want to be there, lots of bullying too. I got all A to C gcses and got a degree recently. I just hope my children have a nicer time at secondary even if they're not brainboxes.

I got on fairly well at school but I was constantly teased/bullied for doing well (even had one of my teachers agree with the bullies that it wasn't fair I kept getting better grades) so I started to hold back, make less effort. If I see so much as a hint of that happening to DS we'll be pulling him straight out to homeschool.

Have to say this thread has reassured me about the one aspect of homeschooling that worried me - socialising!

Tbh, my ds probably would be fine socially being home schooled. He is very chatty to workmen, people who work in shops and museums etc. Sometimes to a fault. He doesn't understand that not everyone wants to chat to him and answer his questions.

But I couldn't justify myself as a teacher.

You've described my daughter. She goes happily enough and there's the odd lesson or topic which interests her but mainly she just drifts along not caring.
I struggle with it because grades were everything for me and I just can't understand how she can not want to get all her spellings right/be at the top of the challenge charts or whatever.
I just keep trying to remind myself that plenty of people are happy and contribute to society without getting the top grades.

I think there are school shaped children and non school shaped children. My dd was schoolshaped- she loved all the uniform and rules and the "stuff" Ds regards it as a means to an end-enjoys some of it and plods on with the rest in a resigned manner. But some children don't fit at all. It's certainly worth making sure the teachers are doing their bit-but there are some children that, with the best will in the world aren't right for school. I don't know the answer- as a HEd person myself, I am not convinced that home educating is always, or even often the answer. But I don't know what is!

YANBU.

School didn't suit DS1 in the slightest. He is 19 now, and has always been an intelligent lad. However, he has Aspergers and, despite the best efforts of an amazing 1-to-1 TA throughout secondary school, he struggled to cope.

Had he been lower ability I would have considered home ed for him (in fact, I did consider it many times), but I always felt vastly unqualified to give him the education he needed and deserved.

In the end, he left at 16 with several good GCSEs (excellent considering the struggles he had faced) and went on to college to study IT. After a patchy year at college, it became apparent that although he loved the IT course and was really interested in it, the college environment was just too much for him. He had started to have panic attacks which actually resulted in him blacking out on a couple of occasions.

For the last 12 months he has been studying online from home, and is now doing a degree in IT. Luckily, his chosen subject lends itself to online study! He is happier now during term time than he has been since the age of 4. I used to absolutely love school holidays & hate term time.

In contrast, DS2 has always loved school, had lots of friends and been very motivated to work hard, join clubs etc. He is now in Year 11 and planning to stay on to take A-Levels.

DD is only 5, so it may be a little early to tell, but she seems to be following in DS2's footsteps.

Personally, I was a lazy sod. I hated school but wasn't bullied and had plenty of friends. I just had zero motivation, no ambition, and couldn't be bothered. I honestly don't know what anyone could have done to change that.

YANBU - and I'll add that special tyranny that I faced at school where some teachers got really angry with me for being theoretically capable but terminally uninterested.

I agree with your balanced comments OP - everyone should get a chance, but not to the extent of hammering a square peg into a round hole.

Agree with everyone! YANBU.
Did bugger all at school, I wanted to but I appear to be not that smart. Or rather I am now but I learn at a different rate. However! At 30 I had (I quit and I'm travelling at the moment), an excellent job that paid above the national average, that I earned more in than some of my friends who went to private schools and boarding schools. Why is that important? It's not, other than my job was based in an area/subject not taught at school that I excel at and took a decent interest in.

I had to work harder, I was competing against people far more capable on paper, but I'd say it's done me no harm and I'd say it won't do your DS harm either. It's really nice to see parents not putting pressure on children like they used too :)

Some nice replies here, and I wasn't expecting that for some reason.
I hope that he finds his calling one day, and is happy. Even if it's not up to government standards.

My son is the same OP.
We have had the same comments at parents evening right through primary and secondry school. He is in year 11 now and I do worry that he will not pass any GCSE's.
Everyone is telling me that their children can't wait to get to 6th form or college and I sit quiet thinking my child isn't going to get the grades for either.

I now feel that the school is focused on the kids getting into 6th form but there seems to be no help or mention of the kids that won't make it.

My son is happy and likes school,but he goes to see his friends.

It's a shame there isn't one post on this thread that says YANBU to notice that he doesn't enjoy school, but YABU for not making it clear to him that he needs to get his head down. Seriously, this is a competitive world now. How many decently paying jobs will be available to your people who don't get a small haul of decent GCSEs?

*young not your

Thank you for this thread OP, it has made me very happy. Another one who was counting down the years while day dreaming! I still have happy (sleeping) dreams where it's the last ever day of school for me.

I was very bright, but the feeling of being, yes, imprisoned for no reason poisoned the whole experience for me. I did the bare minimum, got Bs and Cs in GCSE and left. I later went on to do A-level equivalent courses and a degree as a mature student and loved it. But even though my tutor suggested I continue in academia, I couldn't do it because of all the red tape/office politics nonsense that spoiled compulsory education so completely.

Triflebust I came on to say something similar, for every person who daydreamed through school but found themselves as adults are 5 others miserable all day trapped in a job with no options. I agree there should be more vocational subjects but there still have to be entry requirements.

I 'got' what school actually was very young and that the content of the actual subjects was likely to have little bearing in my job or life but that results opened doors.

I don't think the status quo should continue for the OPs son, something has to change or he may be playing truant and in trouble in the blink of an eye. Home schooling, change if school, tutouring, private school - I would be looking at all the options.

I think sort of YANBU (and I'm a teacher). I certainly think too much pressure is put on kids and teachers. Kids should be allowed to fail, otherwise they never learn to motivate themselves. They need to learn what happens when they don't bother trying. If they then still don't care, then fair enough, they can coast and deal with the consequences.

The trouble with your AIBU is that a) some kids go through a phase of not caring, but then eventually click with school and b) some parents majorly project their own feelings about their own school days onto their dc (not suggesting you do this).

What's your solution OP? To just take kids out of school if school doesn't suit them?

OP if you really want to know more about homeschooling there's a Facebook group called Home Education UK, you'll find a lot of support and advice there. Home education is not really about you becoming a teacher but more about you teaching your child to learn. Give him the tools and he will learn. Also find your local home ed group and go meet them, there's lots of us and not everyone is a teacher or even highly educated!