I just hit my son

[Eeekblunders]

Obviously IABU.
I'm struggling and really need advice.
He's a lovely bright boy, mostly kind and funny. But he won't do a thing, a single thing I ask. Simple daily tasks have become a living nightmare. Things like.. Pls go brush your teeth. He will throw himself on sofa and repeatedly ignore. I'll ask a thousand times, shout , count to three and he will do it, but calling me names, muttering about how I'm a psycho, mean, unfair. Then on to the next thing. Homework, bed time, winding his sister up. He is provocative, and only happy if things go his way. I'm obviously crying. I pinched his ear today. Hard. He was calling me names on the way to school because he'd lost a toy under the fridge, we were in a hurry and I said we'd find it after school. He was dong the same yesterday, about something else.
I think he may have anger issues, and me too.

When he's lying on the sofa ignoring you what's going on around him? Is the TV on? I would tend to make his life very boring. He throws himself on the sofa and ignores you. You walk out of the room (making sure there's no TV iPads etc) and walk away. Hurting him isn't going to change his behaviour, it's just going to break down your relationship and make you both bitter, and him scared. He's only 9. Positive reinforcement and ignoring the bad really does help. If you issue a punishment (non physical!!). Then see it through. Take away his screen time, his favourite book etc and also make more time. If the mornings are the worse then get up and get the children up a little earlier. Read them a story snuggled in your bed then go downstairs for breakfast. Ask him to help. 'If you grab the bowls, I'll get the cereal'. Then praise him. 'Well done, superstar' etc etc. Just small changes make a huge difference!

I wonder if you could think about the values you and your children want to uphold within your family. Obviously from your post respect is one, and perhaps also kindness. What else? Have you Le kids help you choose 4-5 core values and then ask them to live them, but you also have to. Talk about the impact and consequences of not living the values. And ask them what type of person they wan to be. Obviously this has to happen during a time of calmness.

When they don't do something you ask, tell them which value they aren't living and ask them if that is the person they want to be? Ask them how they feel emotionally about their decisions.

I think your son is old enough to have this reflection. And it can be an amazing tool in going from yelling to conversations. Especially if you acknowledge when you lose it too and fail to uphold the values. They can then see we are not perfect as humans. But we can reflect and we can choose our actions.

Good luck!!

sounds like my son OP

obviously its not ideal that you hit him, but frankly you are not the first or the last to lose your rag in this scenario

apologise, tell him that's you don't want to lose your temper and get some parenting advice

don't spend hours berating yourself, focus energy on trying to learn how to address this

and yeah any great advice, send it my way! I have shitty techniques sometimes

Im not going to crucify you OP your not an abusive parent clearly, back in the day ...calling you names alone would have warrented a wallop and most of those people turned out ok. Its not good you know that, maybe look at this as a wake up call a chance to change things re: your son and managing his behaviour...

Dealing with the bad behaviour consistently is very important. Every parent slips occasionally, or I find the kids are good, i start to let little things go but then it gets out of hand again so i have to make a conscious effort to be consistent. If you've got stuck in a bad cycle everyone ends up miserable. I'd have a chat with him over expected behaviours and agree together on some consequences if he doesn't do as he's asked nicely after 3 warnings. We also have a list of expected behaviours, no hitting, no speaking rudely etc as well as a list of things expected through the day (with a tick box if that works better). So things like morning - make bed, get dressed, brush teeth etc, after school - put lunch hoxes in kitchen, put shoes and bags away, then another list for bedtime. Just so they know whats expected and can remind themselves or you can direct them to it.

Reading this as despite having 4 older ones and a younger one our 9 year old is driving us potty with attitude (earlier bedtime ) not doing homework without massive drama (loses electronics) and sometimes it gets to a point where there's literally nothing left to lose apart from my sanity! The only thing I can tell myself is that if you say what you mean and mean what you say then they do grown out of it after a little while.

TBH he deserved that, and a short, sharp shock will do him no harm. I have a very stubborn DS too (who is also loving, bright, a cuddler etc) but just very strong-willed, so I know where you are coming from!!

I'd use this as an opportunity to let him see how far he has pushed you and how much he has upset you, to set ground rules, and to stick to them. Apologise for the ear thing but expect an apology from him in return for his behaviour! Then move on.

You've got off lightly in MN terms, because MN is very strong on these things - physical of children, but you have had all the best advice on their respect, exclusive child, PDA techniques etc.
You have my every sympathy.

How do you and your partner speak to each other? Is he mirroring what he sees from the adults around him? If so, then you need to have a good hard look at your relationship, and the example he is being set from it.

I haven't read all the posts OP as about to go out, but I will do later.

However, I will say that I find my own negative/grumpy/shouty behaviour massively impacts how my son behaves. I'm usually a calm parent, and whilst DS isn't an angel, he usually does what he's asked.

But when I first went on the pill I became an absolute cow. I had no patience whatsoever. I shouted more than I should have and over reacted to things. As a result, DS's behaviour got a lot worse and everything felt like a constant battle. I found it overwhelming as the change in his behaviour was really obvious.

My point is, you mention your DS has witnessed arguing at home and that things have got worse over a year. Do you think he is picking up on your stress and that is contributing to his behaviour? Do you think there are any problems at home causing him to feel insecure/frustrated/angry and he doesn't know how else to express himself?

Apologies if you've already answered this in the thread.

All sounds like my 8 year old DS too, apart from name calling. I want off on him act week because I asked him to get his sister something she couldn't reach and I wasn't feeling well. He stomped about and said how he has to do everything! I lost it at that as I spend my life micromanaging this bloody household. Nothing would ever get done or put away if I didn't.

DS is lovely, has friends, gets on very well in school, teachers are always positive about him but my god everything is a battle at home. He is very strong willed and doesn't like doing things when asked first time which drives me mad. I have a blanket ban on no tablet or Xbox during the week apart from when his sister is at her swimming lesson. He still pushes this and asks but i find his behaviour is worse the more he goes on them. I also find the more irritable and unreasonable I am, the more he is. My moods do seem to affect his behaviour.

I like the quote about what's just irritating and what is actually naughty. I need to tell DH this as he blows up, nags and sanctions minor stuff all the time and it pisses me off. Anytime I address it with him he just says " well you do X" like that's a good reason for him doing it. I consciously try and curb my irritation but DH doesnt. I lose count of the times he stands there shouting "do your teeth" to them. It makes me want to hit a wall!

Find punishments that suit you and inconvenience him. Find his currency.

We never ban sport or anything that is good for the DC. But we may take a stereo/ipod/TV/Xbox/total screens.

Alternatively you may want to offer carrots, so if he does as he's told straight away he earns 5 minutes on a screen. You have to make the rewards achievable but in proportion.

And for you....
When he goes to bed tonight, peep in his room when he's sleeping and remember all the great stuff he does. Is he smily? Does he have a sweet speaking voice? Does he flick his hair a certain way? Say please and thank you? Make friends? etc.

Thanks all

I have taken steps to sort this out. I'm also going to watch supper nanny.

OP, I would also recommend the 6 to 1 positive comment strategy. This book explains it, and gives a really useful list of non-sickly ways to notice and comment when he is doing well, to use alongside sanctions. It really worked miracles with my bolshy daughter. I know it says teens, but it would work with 9 year olds, IMO.

www.amazon.co.uk/Divas-Door-Slammers-Behaved-Teenager/dp/0091924111/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1479293803&sr=1-4&keywords=divas