To think this is s strange way to go about things

[fishandlilacs]

I have two kids, and I run a business which means I work in the evenings. My business deals with teaching children after school do I don't have much choice in the hours.

My Dh also works full time and probably goes on 6-8 short (2/3 days) business trips a year.
My parents live 35 mins away and sometimes when Dh business trips collide with my work I need them for childcare, which they are is happy to do. This usually works well and they love the time with thier grandkids. Sometimes they can't do it and I have a childminder and friends as back up but they are usually my first choice.

My sister also has two kids, she lives a little further away from our parents ( 70mins or so) she doesn't work, and her Dhs job doesn't involve going away. She neither wants or needs childcare as much as I do.

Yet for some reason Mum has decided that. Its not fair that she is doing more for me than my sister, and seeing more of my children than my neices and refused to help out again until she's 'done the same for your sister'

I haven't asked her to sit them since July but I do.need two dates in the next month

Maybe she feels that your sisters children are missing out on spending time with their grandparents & she would like to spend time with them too, & she probably feels that she should treat you both & both sets of children equally. It's not her fault or the children's faults about yours or your sisters circumstances & how much childcare either of you need, she just wants to be fair. I can see where she is coming from.
We have no parents for childcare, my mum died last year & ohs parents don't care or want to see our children!

I agree with you OP, it is an odd way to go about it. If you follow your mums logic the fact that your sister practically never asks her to babysit means she will practically never babysit for you.

I don't agree that everyone has to be treated or helped in the exact same way. My parents do a lot more babysitting for dsis as she is a single parent, I wouldn't dream of getting in a huff about it. Simple fact is sis needs the help, we don't!

It's entirely your mothers choice obviously but sounds to me like she hasn't fully thought it through or, more likely, doesn't want to do it any more and this feels to her like a good excuse! Not much you can say to her really.

Teenybean, I do think there's an element of that to this. I know she hates it that Deals family are in thier pockets and see them several times a week and she probably sees them about once a month. Dbil doesn't help because he won't 'allow' the neices to stay over at Mums because he doesn't approve of thier living arrangements. ( I can't say more about that for fear of outing myself but needless to say my parents are a little off the wall and choose an eco green life which means they don't live in a 'normal' house)

But you said all of these things:

-You said you need two days a month.
-offering babysitting where it's not needed and reluctant to help me which makes it sound like you're saying your sister doesn't need it but you do.
-You also said: She neither wants or needs childcare as much as I do.

All of this points to you saying you, infact, do need your mother and do rely on her for childcare at times.

they actually get more of my mum than I do < This also makes you sound childish along with saying she won't do more for me than she will my sister

I'm just commenting on this you have said, that's all.

OP I get exactly what you are saying and I think your mum is being a bit unreasonable changing the arrangement and insisting on equality where sitting is not needed or wanted as often on your sister's side. That said I think other posters are right, there may be something else at play here, but if there is the decent thing would be to tell you straight up.

I know u feel a bit hurt, but I think u just have to accept her decision and move on. It's her prerogative not to do any childcare if she doesn't want to for u, it was a favour, she brought u up, anything she's done to help u out since was kind, but it's up to her.
My mum offered to care for my DC2 one day a week when I went back to work, then got asked to do something else on that day, and told me she couldn't do it after about 3 weeks; it was a bit inconvenient, I had to find other childcare at short notice, but it was entirely reasonable for her to choose to do something else that she preferred with her time, and I absolutely accepted that.

Whilst your mother has every right to do this, YANBU to feel a little frustrated, not to mention baffled!

Might her new concern for equal amounts of babysitting stem from a conversation with your sister, or even a passing comment your sister or someone else made to her?

And it seems sad that she doesn't see her grandchildren more often. Regardless of what happens with babysitting, could you invite her round for an afternoon at the weekend with you and the children - partly so they get to see her, and partly for the chance to mend any bridges?

It sounds like either your mum has a guilt complex about doing more for you than your sister, or maybe your sister or someone else has said something, or perhaps she just wants to cut down on how much she does and doesn't know how else to say it.

For the record I don't think you're being unreasonable as you don't sound entitled more just mystified about the reason your mum gave.

Surely it's normal in families to 'give' at different times and in different way depending on all sorts of varying circumstances including children's ages, distances between houses, times of crisis, big expensive occasions like weddings etc.

On your mum's principal she will never then babysit again for you if your sister never asks her to babysit for HER?? Just seems odd.

MissSeventies: There isn't really an arrangement, is there? No promises have been made, just regular requests for ad hoc childcare, which the DM now would rather not provide. And that is fair enough.

Sunshine7 when taken in that context it does sound incredibly peevish. I don't intend that way I'm trying to work through this situation and I don't have all the answers yet, hence posting on here. I'm trying to get a handle on mums decision and see it from other angles.
Maybe I should say she is my and my children's first choice for childcare. I'd much rather she did it and I thought that why she made the choice to move back to this area. A least that's what I was lead to believe at the time. I have never felt I was asking too much of her. She offers more often than not ( until recently.)

its fairly infrequent, Dhs business trips tend to come in clusters so he will be away 3 weeks on the trot, then not again for four months etc so when this happens I try to spread it across my various childcare options.

Its fine, I think its good sometimes to see all the things you have said put into context like that on one post, sometimes people post updates and don't realise when you put them all together like that how it sounds. Hope it helps you realise how you are actually feeling and talking about the subject.

IMO if you are working, regularly asking family for childcare is a rocky area and best avoided - I know some grandparents/family love it but the amount of posts I've seen on here who have trouble with it (from people dropping out, to not liking the way the parents treat/feed/talk to their kids) make me realise its best to just get a professional in and avoid the trouble. :)

Thank you all..
Baffled and mystified are the right words indeed. Just for the record my sister finds it a bit odd too!

I am just going to stop asking. I bet in a month she'll be moaning she's bored and asking to have them again.

Given that over the next five weeks I need the grand total of 11 days where my kids need caring for and I'd only asked mum to do two of those ( from 7-9pm only) it's not too much to have to sort out. It can be resolved.

I think you need a lunch out with your Mum and sister . No kids or partners and the time to just chat about the day to day things that happen when you lead busy lives.

Just open the conversation without prejudice and see what comes out. Sometimes you can be surprised by other peoples thoughts. It might be nothing to do with either you or your sisters situations.