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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Texting old friend

19 replies

Simonneilsbeard · 13/11/2016 12:35

I'd love some opinions here because it's something Iv been thinking about a lot lately.
Growing up from the ages of 13-27 I had 2 best friends..we literally went through everything together. I'm still very close to one of them.
The other one however, let's call her J, Iv lost touch with. This was entirely my fault.
I was in an EA relationship, my ex would say things to me like 'oh J thinks she's better than you' ..he very insidiously made me feel jealous of her through his snide remarks etc. I started to be cold towards her, ghosted her basically and she stopped contacting me.
Since ending the relationship Iv opened my eyes to what me ex did, he was threatened by our friendship, she was single and attractive and I don't think he liked that she might be a positive influence. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of the way I treated my friend and I'm wondering if I should reach out to her.
I fully expect to be told how utterly stupid I was but I appreciate any opinions.
I should mention we have only spoken twice in 8 years and that was because we met accidentally through our other mutual best friend.

OP posts:

HappinessLivesHere · 13/11/2016 12:40

I would absolutely get in touch! I had a similar situation but it was a mutual friend told one of us a lot of lies which were sadly believed and caused a massive fall out. I got back in touch when she announced her pregnancy and it was lovely. We're back to being best friends.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 13/11/2016 12:40

You should, but with no expectations. Apologise and explain and take responsibility. She probably knows why already, but I'm sure she'll appreciate hearing it from you, even if she doesn't want to rekindle the friendship.

Fwiw in that circumstance if I was your friend I would want to try to regain what was lost, but not everyone would and I can understand that too.

123beanie · 13/11/2016 12:41

Definitely worth trying to contact her. Don't expect too much from it, but it's worth making an attempt.

desperatehousewife2 · 13/11/2016 12:45

I'd email saying basically what you've said here and take it from there

Original poster

Simonneilsbeard · 13/11/2016 12:45

Thank you for your responses ..I expected to be flamed a bit I'm honest.
I absolutely have no expectations and I suspect if I do text it will be ignored and I deserve no less looking back.
We didn't have a fall out, we never exchanged a bad word..I just feel sad at the loss of a friend that I valued at one point in my life.

OP posts:

HappinessLivesHere · 13/11/2016 13:08

Tell her exactly what you've told us about your ex, that your head was in a really bad place and that you regret it. Any decent person would understand. Maybe she's feeling guilty, that she didn't support you more if she's since heard about EA relationship. No flaming deserved at all. Hope she replies!

Original poster

Simonneilsbeard · 13/11/2016 13:22

She's recently had a baby ..I'm wondering if I should text to congratulate her rather than a huge wall of text all about me.
That way she can respond or not and I won't have spilled my guts to someone who's really not interested?
If she does respond then I can gradually explain ..does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:

lucyjordon · 13/11/2016 13:24

13 years ago in my early thirties I lost touch with my best friend of my teens and twenties, also aided by meddling from my EA ex. I've missed her dreadfully, couldn't find her on social media ( I no longer live in the part of the country we grew up in) so last year I wrote to her via her mum, apologised and tried to explain what had happened. It's been brilliant, she felt the same, we are now back in touch and I have a wonderful friendship back in my life. I would say go for it, apologise if you think you were in the wrong, and be honest about your regrets. You've got nothing to lose. Hope it works out.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 13/11/2016 13:29

When I split up with XH one of the first phone calls I received was from an old (male) best friend who I had lost in similar circumstances. Although painful at times it was a wonderful phone call and I will always be grateful to my friend for ringing. I'm not sure I'd have had the guts to do it myself.

I think a text congratulating her and a brief mention of wanting to be in touch would be a good start. Good luck

Original poster

Simonneilsbeard · 13/11/2016 15:25

Thank you for your advice ..I think I will do it. As soon as Iv worked up the courage and decided what exactly to say.
Fully expecting to be blanked but at least I'll know!

OP posts:

HappinessLivesHere · 13/11/2016 16:01

That's exactly how I did it! Like I mentioned earlier we got back in touch when she announced her pregnancy. I text to say congratulations and that she'd be a lovely mum.

Rainydayspending · 13/11/2016 16:07

If she doesn't don't take it to be about you, you do have things to offer. If it helps my continued leave at arms length relationship (despite some apologies) is because the trust was gone. Not everyone wants to work on trust like that. Not about individuals, just about not going back.
Best of luck.

Original poster

Simonneilsbeard · 13/11/2016 16:18

Yes I totally get that it's highly probable the friendship won't ever be rekindled on her part. I think that's what's kept me from contacting her for this many years.
If I don't do it now I never will, and if she doesn't respond then I'm no worse off but at least I can stop wondering.

OP posts:

HappinessLivesHere · 13/11/2016 17:12

Everyone seems to be assuming she won't reply! I'm putting positive vibes out there for you :-D

MakeItRain · 13/11/2016 17:30

I think if you get in touch I would be inclined to include a bit of the reason why, rather than just congratulate her. So something along the lines of.. "Congratulations on your pregnancy. Been thinking a lot about you lately. I'm so sorry I allowed X to come between us. Turns out he wasn't a very nice person who was very jealous of my family and friendships and he did his best to isolate me from them. I feel so sad to have lost the friendship we had and if you ever wanted to meet for a coffee would love to see you again for a chat."

I don't know. That's not quite right really, but I think you need to get it in the open what's happened so you can build bridges. Otherwise she doesn't know what to expect from you. Hope you do sort things out with her

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/11/2016 17:43

Yes you can't just congratulate her, you need to immediately offer up a sincere apology.

I'm sure she will really value that whether or not she decides to rekindle your friendship so it can only be a good thing.

swizzlestar · 13/11/2016 17:48

Definitely get back in touch. Make it an apology and explanation, and go from there. You can only try.

I had a similar thing happen with one of my oldest and best friends. I'm so glad we get back in touch as she's since passed away from cancer.

Original poster

Simonneilsbeard · 13/11/2016 17:52

I definitely owe her an apology that's without a doubt. I just want to be able to word it without making it sound like I'm making excuses..I was in a terrible place mentally back then and my ex driving a wedge between us meant that I never confided in her what was really going on.
I think I'm afraid to really go in with my heart on my sleeve because I expect her to not reply and opening myself up to that rejection would hurt.
Of course I know she doesn't owe me a thing.

OP posts:

Enidblyton1 · 13/11/2016 18:01

Well if I was your friend and you explained it just how you have done in your OP, I would welcome you back with open arms (a friend did a similar thing to me). Especially as she has a new baby - traditionally that is a time when old friends can drop away.
Just take it slowly and be v honest. Good luck

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