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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas Presents, Savings AIBU??

48 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/11/2016 09:54

Sorry this is going to be a bit long...

DH and I had some work done on our house and a conservatory done. We had quotes etc went through the numbers over and over but as these things do we went over budget by around £1800, now we literally used most of our savings to have the work done as long term it will add value to our home and we needed the extra room. The extra £1800 we took from all sorts of places including our own personal savings, both of us around £450 each.
Now I have saved long and hard to build up a little bit of savings for myself, just for rainy days, birthdays, Christmas, treating myself etc and I had £850.
Because of how much we spent on all the work I decided to get myself a little part time job to try and pay back some of the extra money we'd spent (our personal savings, credit card, joint savings etc) so had 3 paycheques before I was unfortunately let go because they decided they didn't need the extra person anymore. The position we are now in as that my personal savings are paid back, the credit card is paid back, our personal savings have had some paid back but my DH has not had anything. I continuously encouraged him every month to also take some of the money as I didn't think it was fair he was leaving himself till last but he kept insisting. The position we are now in as that it's Xmas next month, we have so far bought 0 presents and after talking about it this morning he announces that i should just pay for everyone's presents (roughly £300 this covers all of our family apart from DD) and then when I find a new job (hopefully won't take to long) the first thing that I do is take £150 of that back as his contribution to the presents (he will then only be owed £300) am I being really selfish that I really don't want to. What if I don't find something else?? I've worked so hard building up this money and I don't want to just spend £300 with no sight to get it back anytime soon. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/11/2016 11:59

Cheby that is actually an excellent idea!! And I hadn't thought of it. I think that's what I'll suggest to him!!

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 13/11/2016 12:02

I think YABU

You had the time and the ability to get a part time job to earn back the overspend. He, presumably, already works full time so wasn't able to get more. He also seemed to be very concerned that you used the money you earned on your own debts and not his and has suggested that his part of the Christmas money is a loan only, not that you are paying full stop. This sounds more than reasonable to me (I'm a bit surprised to read about financial lives so separate in a married couple actually, it's more like transaction between housemates in my eyes.)

A 'little part time job' (I think it's a it patronising to refer to it like that and you shouldn't do yourself down) shouldn't be that hard to come by if you are flexible about what you will do and aren't constrained too much by child care hours (you don't say if you are or not).

It wouldn't even necessarily need to be a job. I've just 'earned' £200 to pay for Christmas by selling things on ebay this month. You could try something like that.

SheldonCRules · 13/11/2016 12:19

YABVU, his money has to be shared but anything you have is yours? If you took that attitude with me then my salary would become just mine very quickly.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/11/2016 12:21

His savings that he opts to save every month is his own money though?

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 13/11/2016 12:33

Given that it's over a month till Christmas why don't you try to get a seasonal job and replace the savings that way?

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/11/2016 12:37

NewIdeasToday I am. I'm currently looking for a job, but I'm quite limited to days because of childcare. I've been looking for around 3weeks since I lost my job

OP posts:

witsender · 13/11/2016 13:02

Tbh, it does sound like you expect him to give all income over, but not to contribute towards his.

He hasn't 'frittered' money, and this isn't big money we're talking.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/11/2016 13:40

I'm really confused I don't understand why people think I'm not sharing money with him.

He earns his money, we pay for everything and then split the rest 50/50. We overspent on our house and used our own independent savings/credit cards to pay for it.
We then decided I would get a part time job to pay both of our independent savings back and the credit card.
I got a job and we paid everything back apart from him as HE decided to go last even after me offering for him to go first. We paid the credit card back, then me and he was next. The money was not spent on anything else apart from this. Then I lost my job.

Just because I saved more money than he did from our 50/50 split every month why does that mean I'm not sharing? He could decide to spend less and do what I do but doesn't. That doesn't mean that I'm just saying no I'm not paying but I do resent that I have to pay out everything for Christmas until I get a job (then I can at his half back) and god knows how long that will take as I have limited childcare.

OP posts:

SheldonCRules · 13/11/2016 14:20

The only reason you get the 50/50 split is that he brings a salary in. It's his money. Yet you begrudge having to pay for anything?

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/11/2016 14:28

SheldonCRules His money?! No it is not his money it is our money and he would tell you exactly the same. I had a great career that I gave up because WE decided I should stay at home with our DD and to run the house as he works long hours. Without me he wouldn't have dinner on the table every night waiting for him or lunch ready every morning to take to work, he wouldn't have a clean shirt ironed for him every morning, he wouldn't have a clean house, he would have to employ someone to look after our DD. I hate attitudes like yours.

OP posts:

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 13/11/2016 14:28

What about a seasonal Saturday job (shop work) or evening job (restaurant waiting/pub work) when your husband is around to look after your daughter? It does sound as if your husband is trying hard to be as fair to you as possible but you want to squirrel money away rather than using it for the common good.
You getting a job and earning money does seem to be the way forward. There are lots of casual/temporary jobs available at this time of year.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/11/2016 14:31

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 yes I do see what you mean about squirrelling it away. It's not my intention I just think I panic if I don't have a good amount in my savings just because of the position we used to be in. I had been applying at shops but hadn't thought about restaurants, I'll be giving that a try!!

OP posts:

mando12345 · 13/11/2016 14:33

Yes you are being unreasonable.
Just pay for the presents then each start afresh with your individual savings from your husband's salary. I would wipe out the debts to each others savings.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/11/2016 14:35

You say it's 'our' money, yet seem to begrudge how he wants the joint money managed. He wants to buy modest Christmas presents which you can afford. You don't want to. I don't think your opinion is more correct than his.

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 13/11/2016 14:37

'No it is not his money it is our money and he would tell you exactly the same.'
Then what is your original post about ? If your money is shared with him then where is the problem?
You seem very worked up about something which seems unfair to most posters and when anyone gives you their opinion (which is what you asked for in the first place) you respond with an aggressive 'I hate attitudes like yours' to the poor poster who took the time to reply.
Listen to what other posters are saying and think about the issue calmly.

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 13/11/2016 14:39

You will feel so much better when you are earning and you feel more secure about money. Good luck with job hunting.

Stopmithering · 13/11/2016 17:58

Regardless of how you arrange yourselves financially between the two of you, why don't you just start using ( even if just temporarily) CB instead of putting it into DD's account?
What's the point of getting that benefit and not using it for your family when you need it?
Stop putting it into DD's account for a few months until you are balanced out and in a better position.

clerquin · 13/11/2016 22:20

Well, it's obvious that you couldn't afford to replenish both saving accounts fully in the last few months which is understandable with your house expenses.

How about with your DH's Nov salary - after the bills, both of you buy the Christmas presents required (approx. £300) worth before paying any remainder to replenish your DH's savings. You just need to forgo the 50:50 split of your DH's disposable income going forward for awhile - would you be satisfied with that?

It's not set in stone - family income/savings fluctuates with the seasons as well as the unexpected expenses. Are you really just saying that you want to half your Christmas expenditure to £150 instead of £300 this year because you want to rebuild your total family savings?

Surely, the reason that your DH has no savings is that it has been spent on the house so for the family's benefit. You have replenished your savings as a priority but you seem to begrudge the fact that the household income isn't quite enough to rebuild your total savings as quickly as you would like.

You need to discuss your financial priorities and agree the way forward. Your DH is probably aware that you feel more financially insecure than he does. Maybe, you just need reassurance or maybe, you need to cut back if a new job does not materialise. Maybe, you just need to relax more and be less controlling...

Cherrysoup · 13/11/2016 22:26

You are a SAHM so you completely share your husband's salary but when you got a small part time job for a few weeks you maintain that money earned is totally

Same, YABVVVU. What's his is yours but what's yours is only yours?! So wrong!

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 14/11/2016 18:42

Cherrysoup Did you miss what I have replied over and over again? Let me paste it in...
I got a job and we paid everything back apart from him as HE decided to go last even after me offering for him to go first. We paid the credit card back, then me and he was next. The money was not spent on anything else apart from this. Then I lost my job.

So how have I not treated this money as ours? We decided together how to spend it, I didn't.

clerquin I think you make slot of valid points especially the part about me feeling good finanaciallu insecure. As I said before we went through a very tough time a few years ago and whilst he vented, was angry, got stressed and even sometimes cried because of the stress and strain we were under I held it together and put on a smiley face even though it was really hard and I think long term it's always made me scared of what if.

OP posts:

staceysadz · 14/11/2016 18:54

How do you think the xmas presents should be being paid for?

MyGiddyUncle · 14/11/2016 18:54

Well technically, whatever the value of your three pay cheques was, you need to give him 50%, surely?

You use his wages 50/50 - do the same with yours.

Bluebolt · 14/11/2016 19:08

It is a bit late to announce no presents. We all mutually agreed on stopping presents when we just ended up just swapping wine. But this was just after Christmas. I was a SAHM for a while and managed to save but the savings always counted as family money. The only money completely mine was savings for my pension.

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