AIBU to be furious about this joke?

[geradine]

I go to a sort of self defence class every Friday night. It's high contact, very hands on, and I'm sometimes the only woman there (like tonight).

So right before class, we are chatting about tattoos. I made a joke about having a tattoo (it was relevant and appropriate), and this following conversation happens:

Him: I thought you were more a W W sort of girl.

Me: W W? What does that even mean?

Him: You know, W on one ass cheek, W on the other ass cheek, then bend over, WOW!


I was really pissed off because it felt really intrusive and derogatory to women in general and me in particular. It put the image in my head of me being bent over naked and I hate to think that that's what the rest of the (male) class thought too. The class is usually very 'safe' because we do train some techniques that involve close contact with each other (think, how to break out of a rape scenario with someone right on top of you etc). I've never heard any sexualised or inappropriate jokes there before, and him saying that gave me the rage.

Am I being over sensitive or should I message my instructor to tell him that it bothered me?

[FRETGNIKCUF]

It's a joke. A joke that relies upon sexism and crossing the line.

Unless he knew you very well and whether or not it was okay it was a shitty thing to say.

The only thing that makes it okay is the first two responses to your op!

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

break a couple of his ribs

Er, hang on.....not sure 'joking' about violence is really in the MN spirit, whether the recipient is male or female....

[Diamogs]

I've heard it between men before so wouldn't think of it as sexist.

It's just a crap non-joke.

The rest of the stuff is not appropriate

[geradine]

Minefields - basically someone wasn't there tonight who usually trains with us, and our instructor said he wasn't coming because he's just got a new tattoo. (Keep in mind that I've been training with this instructor and some class members for coming up 3 years so we know each other quite well.) So the instructor then described the tattoo, and said he'd advised him to get it higher up his arm, above his sleeve line, as it could look unprofessional to be visible. I commented 'good idea, I've always done that with my tattoos' and everyone laughed because I'm not the 'type' of person you'd expect to have a tattoo (I actually do have one but they don't know that). Then rude twat guy jumps in with his W W line.

I have been wondering if I opened myself up for inappropriate jokes with what I said, but I don't really think I did?

The insensitive rape case comment did piss me off but I interrupted him and (am slightly embarrassed to admit) gave him a short but thorough lecture on rape myth acceptance and why what he said was bullshit. So I resolved my rage over that one by responding at the time.

[IJustLostTheGame]

I think your response was more mature than opening a can of 2000 year old Chinese whoopass and going all Buffy on the twunt, but still.....

Seriously though, he's a jeb end.

[That1950sMum]

Just don't talk to him if you don't appreciate his (very crass) humour. I don't see why the instructor needs to be bothered by this.

You're a grown up. You don't need to tell teacher on him.

[OurBlanche]

So... in almost any context he is a total twat!

A total twat who is aged beyond his years and yet seems to have stalled in his emotional development, as I am pretty sure that that 'joke' was so very bloody funny when I was about 13, about 40 years ago!

Have a quiet word with your instructor about not wanting to do any partner work with him because he seems to be trying to make you feel uncomfortable... explain in more detail if you need to! I doubt the instructor will be impressed!

And your come back was icy enough! Should have frozen his lightly sparking brain cell for a moment or two!

[Mindfields]

I've seen that joke used online numerous times and every time it's been aimed at a man (usually by another man). It's just a stupid joke that pops up when someone says "thinking about getting a tattoo, any suggestions?" "Yeah, get a W on each cheek then when you bend over .... wow"

The other stuff you mentioned in subsequent posts is the issue here imo.

[MyWineTime]

It's an ancient joke about tattoos, not women. It can be directed at either sex.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Do NOT be embarrassed about giving him a lecture - bloody well done you!

[Mindfields]

I commented 'good idea, I've always done that with my tattoos' and everyone laughed because I'm not the 'type' of person you'd expect to have a tattoo (I actually do have one but they don't know that).

Okay, don't really see the 'joke' there if you do actually have a tattoo but thanks for explaining.

Perhaps creepy fella thought you were alluding to having tattoos in more intimate areas and thought he'd join in with that 'hilarious' joke. Who knows. I'd just avoid training with him in future and make sure I loudly challenged any inappropriate remarks.

[QueenLizIII]

It is just a naff joke.

One of my friends had a tattoo of a huge winged creature on her lower back. It was a mythical bird or something. Someone made a joke that when you take a dump, it looks like the bird is shitting then too.....

People just make stupid jokes sometimes...

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Just out of interest. what's the 'type' of person who has a tattoo?

[geradine]

Itshouldhave - I was really hoping no one was going to ask me that I don't have an answer but it was why it was funny at the time.

[Lessthanaballpark]

Look I think the thing to remember here is that you felt uncomfortable and that, regardless of his intentions, if you convey to him that you feel uncomfortable and he continues to do it in the future then you'll have legitimate beef.

[sortthetacheoutbernard]

Nah I wouldn't like that either.

[HedgehogHedgehog]

whats he like in general? that joke on its own is just silly not really offensive. Id understand if you were upset because hes generally nasty and was saying it to make you uncomfortable but if it was just an unfunny joke that you personally found a bit tasteless then i think you are being a bit oversensitive.Just say 'thats gross' and move on. If hes not a generally nasty person hell see you dont find stuff like that funny and it wont happen again.

[haveacupoftea]

He probably thinks of you as one of the blokes so thinks he can make crude jokes. Tell him its not on. Problem solved.

[SarcasmMode]

Thedgehog he tried to invite OP to his even though he knows she's married and makes not nice comments about rape cases.

It sounds like he wants to wind you up - re comments about rape when he knows you work with offenders.

I think his ego is bruised as you said no to his lovely offer of extra marital blinking with a studmuffin such as himself.

[SarcasmMode]

Extra marital boinking - blinking is always necessary!

[Bluntness100]

He laboriously outlined an image of a woman bending over, exposing herself, being sexually available/vulnerable.

[RebelRogue]

If maybe if we stopped excusing this type of behaviour and "jokes" men wouldn't be so ready to make them.
To make the joke to begin with ,with someone that is supposed to trust him and feel comfortable around him in close combat moves,was a dickish move. To draw attention to her reaction,and completely dismiss his inappropriate behaviour "did i embarrass you?" Is even more dickish. He didn't give two flying fucks if op was embarrassed or not,just hoping to shut her up,and get back at her for not laughing at his "joke".And yeah he made personal when he stated op is the "sort of girl" to do that. What sort is it exactly? And that's without even adding the invitations to his house and bad comments about rape cases.
It's not silly,it's not old,it's not school lad behaviour and whatever other stupid excuses were used. It was sexist and demeaning and in my opinion downright creepy coupled with his other behaviours.

[RebelRogue]

Bluntness so are dv,racist,sexist,disablist jokes ok too? Because they're old and everyone knows them,and oh you once heard a black person/woman/disabled person make them etc? Ffs

[mycatwantstokillme1]

10 years ago I might have just brushed this off as a bad joke and kept my distance. But then getting into a r'ship with an instructor in this field (who started off with risque jokes) who ended up being the most abusive man I've ever been with - and not everybody believed me - because after all, one of his jobs was teaching women self defence and how to fight off a rapist. So why would he have raped me? That's what I faced.

I don't believe every man who teaches self defence/attends a self defence class is a psychopath like my ex. But the ones that are safe are the ones that will be respectful to the women they are teaching/partnering. They won't be making jokes about your arse when it's bent over, or trying to get you to go to their flat, knowing you're married.

I'd have a quiet word with your instructor and ask not to be partnered with him.

Might sound over the top, but I learnt the hard way, and your situation is a red flag to me.

[Inertia]

Perhaps just the 'joke' on its own could be explained as poor judgement and a poor sense of humour, but coupled with inappropriate comments about a local rape case, plus asking the OP to his house when he knows she's married, it sounds pretty seedy and uncomfortable.

If it's some kind of self defence class, you'd hope that teaching respect for the bodies of your class partners would be part of the course.

It sounds as though your responses were just right though.