AIBU to be furious about this joke?

[geradine]

I go to a sort of self defence class every Friday night. It's high contact, very hands on, and I'm sometimes the only woman there (like tonight).

So right before class, we are chatting about tattoos. I made a joke about having a tattoo (it was relevant and appropriate), and this following conversation happens:

Him: I thought you were more a W W sort of girl.

Me: W W? What does that even mean?

Him: You know, W on one ass cheek, W on the other ass cheek, then bend over, WOW!


I was really pissed off because it felt really intrusive and derogatory to women in general and me in particular. It put the image in my head of me being bent over naked and I hate to think that that's what the rest of the (male) class thought too. The class is usually very 'safe' because we do train some techniques that involve close contact with each other (think, how to break out of a rape scenario with someone right on top of you etc). I've never heard any sexualised or inappropriate jokes there before, and him saying that gave me the rage.

Am I being over sensitive or should I message my instructor to tell him that it bothered me?

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's quite a good example of where to draw a line, in some ways. In itself, the 'ww' joke is old and lame but not actually gender-specific - and it could have been someone just being a bit clumsy, in the course of a lighthearted conversation about tattoos. But when the person who said it is not only already making OP uncomfortable with unwanted invitations but also going on to make rape jokes, well, that's a man who likes to make other people uncomfortable. And if OP does speak to the class leader, make sure to point out that it's not just one crap joke but an accumulation of things...

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Not a nice person at all. Weird vibe and even weirder behavior when taken as a whole. I'd ask the leader to ensure you don't partner with him again. I'd question his motives when doing close contact moves.

[mathanxiety]

I don't think you are one bit 'over sensitive.'

Who runs the class?
I would report the 'joke'.

The joker is creating a hostile environment.
YY to this from KickAss:
He sounds like he's testing out boundaries, seeing if you'll 'give' a little, and also if the other men are willing to accept his comments. fwiw, the men should be stepping in to stop rape myth culture, or at the very least backing you up on it.

He is 100% not flirting.

He is asserting his ownership of the turf. He is trying to dominate you and the men and change the culture of the group.

[lizzieoak]

Honestly, that's just gross. People's bar for what they'll tolerate is getting way too low. It made you uncomfortable because he was being gross & intrusive. Tell the instructor. Ick.

[TheNaze73]

LTB

[GarlicMist]

Hadn't seen your post, KickAss. YY to boundaries and the other men.

[GarlicMist]

He sounds like a misogynist arse, with or without buttock tattoos. The fact that he seems to have tried hitting on you and you pulled him up on a rape joke makes it worse - there's an element of putting you in your place (as an unruly sex object) which wouldn't be there if he'd said it to one of the men.

I hope you threw him right off the mat, or whatever you do in your fights :)

[KickAssAngel]

OP - I think it would be fine to email the instructor and request that you don't get paired with him. He's done a few things that mean you probably don't want to end up too close to him, and I would feel 'ew' about getting close to a guy who makes stupid rape comments.

The WOW thing itself may not be sexist, but said by a man to a woman, along with his other comments, it definitely is. It implies he's thinking about your arse, and your arsehole. Combined with him having asked you over to his place that's pretty yuck. Thinking he can get away with it to you, as some kind of 'banter' is sexist.

He sounds like he's testing out boundaries, seeing if you'll 'give' a little, and also if the other men are willing to accept his comments. fwiw, the men should be stepping in to stop rape myth culture, or at the very least backing you up on it.

[Bogeyface]

What bothers me more is that a class about how a woman can escape from a potential rape situation is mainly populated by men.

[VaginaJones]

The joke is a crap one that I have heard with both men & women, but the rape comments sound horrible and unnecessary

[Loaferloveforyou]

My uncle Bob used to make a similar joke.

[YeOldMa]

I love your comeback, OP. If it were a one off thing, I wouldn't complain but there are a list of things so I'd probably have a quiet word with the instructor and explain how uncomfortable his attentions are making you feel.

[SolidGoldBrass]

If it was just that he made this joke in response to your joke that you only had tattoos that couldn't be seen, I would be thinking you were a bit precious. However, it sounds like this particular man had already been making you uncomfortable and in this case talking about your arse was probably intended to make you uncomfortable. So it wouldn't be too unreasonable to say to the class leader that this man is bothering you a bit and you will not work in partnership with him.

[WyfOfBathe]

I wouldn't really care about the joke. I don't think it's funny, but I don't think it's sexist either (like other PP, I've heard it about men before). I think your comeback was good as well.

Making light of a recent rape case on the other hand - that's definitely something to get furious about.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

What was your joke?

[VenusRising]

I agree Rebel. This guy is one to watch.
I'd be especially vigilant as he's learning how to disarm someone.... what a creep. I wonder.

Can you get him kicked out OP? Or give him a jolly good going over in class? Really kick his balls in? I'm afraid I'd be thinking up how to put him in his place.

[Inertia]

Perhaps just the 'joke' on its own could be explained as poor judgement and a poor sense of humour, but coupled with inappropriate comments about a local rape case, plus asking the OP to his house when he knows she's married, it sounds pretty seedy and uncomfortable.

If it's some kind of self defence class, you'd hope that teaching respect for the bodies of your class partners would be part of the course.

It sounds as though your responses were just right though.

[mycatwantstokillme1]

10 years ago I might have just brushed this off as a bad joke and kept my distance. But then getting into a r'ship with an instructor in this field (who started off with risque jokes) who ended up being the most abusive man I've ever been with - and not everybody believed me - because after all, one of his jobs was teaching women self defence and how to fight off a rapist. So why would he have raped me? That's what I faced.

I don't believe every man who teaches self defence/attends a self defence class is a psychopath like my ex. But the ones that are safe are the ones that will be respectful to the women they are teaching/partnering. They won't be making jokes about your arse when it's bent over, or trying to get you to go to their flat, knowing you're married.

I'd have a quiet word with your instructor and ask not to be partnered with him.

Might sound over the top, but I learnt the hard way, and your situation is a red flag to me.

[RebelRogue]

Bluntness so are dv,racist,sexist,disablist jokes ok too? Because they're old and everyone knows them,and oh you once heard a black person/woman/disabled person make them etc? Ffs

[RebelRogue]

If maybe if we stopped excusing this type of behaviour and "jokes" men wouldn't be so ready to make them.
To make the joke to begin with ,with someone that is supposed to trust him and feel comfortable around him in close combat moves,was a dickish move. To draw attention to her reaction,and completely dismiss his inappropriate behaviour "did i embarrass you?" Is even more dickish. He didn't give two flying fucks if op was embarrassed or not,just hoping to shut her up,and get back at her for not laughing at his "joke".And yeah he made personal when he stated op is the "sort of girl" to do that. What sort is it exactly? And that's without even adding the invitations to his house and bad comments about rape cases.
It's not silly,it's not old,it's not school lad behaviour and whatever other stupid excuses were used. It was sexist and demeaning and in my opinion downright creepy coupled with his other behaviours.

[Bluntness100]

He laboriously outlined an image of a woman bending over, exposing herself, being sexually available/vulnerable.

[SarcasmMode]

Extra marital boinking - blinking is always necessary!

[SarcasmMode]

Thedgehog he tried to invite OP to his even though he knows she's married and makes not nice comments about rape cases.

It sounds like he wants to wind you up - re comments about rape when he knows you work with offenders.

I think his ego is bruised as you said no to his lovely offer of extra marital blinking with a studmuffin such as himself.

[haveacupoftea]

He probably thinks of you as one of the blokes so thinks he can make crude jokes. Tell him its not on. Problem solved.

[HedgehogHedgehog]

whats he like in general? that joke on its own is just silly not really offensive. Id understand if you were upset because hes generally nasty and was saying it to make you uncomfortable but if it was just an unfunny joke that you personally found a bit tasteless then i think you are being a bit oversensitive.Just say 'thats gross' and move on. If hes not a generally nasty person hell see you dont find stuff like that funny and it wont happen again.