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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling now that dh is also a driver.

40 replies

NapQueen · 11/11/2016 19:23

I've been the only driver in our relationship for the past 13 years. Never had any issues with him demanding lifts or anything, if I want a drink we get a taxi etc. I enjoy driving so don't mind even long distance journeys.

Dh passed his test 5 months ago and whilst the opportunity isn't always there for him to take the car out he does as much as he can.

However I'm struggling with being a passenger and dh says I stress him out.

The only instances where I've ever made any sort of comment were
(1) he pulled into the fast lane right in front of a lorry and left next to no space between us and them
(2) he sat in a yellow box waiting to turn right and took so long making the move to turn right that the roads to the left and right started driving towards us.

He has also already had to go on a course for turning right through a red light.

I have tried explaining that I get that he is new to it, but I am also new to this. I don't ever comment on his driving outside of the examples listed above, with the caveat each of the above times that my comment is purely down to being in an unsafe situation.

I don't really know how to proceed. One of these instances was this evening and we've even attempted a diplomatic conversation but it hasn't worked.

How do I cut him more slack when I'm a passenger? And how to get him to understand that I felt unsafe those times and surely anybody would have.

OP posts:

Ahickiefromkinickie · 14/11/2016 10:26

YANBU, OP. He sounds like a bad driver. Only been driving 5 months and he's already going on a course after running a red light? Most new drivers are too cautious to run a red light.

If you feel unsafe, I would refuse to drive with him. I would continue offering him a lift or take public transport until he improves.

I can't believe he's cutting dangerously in front of lorries and you're being told 'to close your eyes' Will closing your eyes prevent an accident? Only children believe that.

NathanBarleyrocks · 14/11/2016 10:33

What is the 'fast lane'? Do you mean an overtaking lane?

thedancingbear · 14/11/2016 10:36

No, I think she means the fast lane. And therein lies part of the problem, I suspect.

Twinchaos1 · 14/11/2016 10:37

Could he do an advanced driving course? This might help his driving, your confidence in his driving and reduce his insurance.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 10:37

I struggle with something similar too. My husband and I have both been driving for over two decades, but my car is a very powerful 3.5 litre sports car and his is a smaller run around. When he drives mine i shit myself. My heart is in my mouth, last week coming back from the cinema, we had taken my car as I needed fuel, he was messing with the lights on the back roads and managed to switch them off completely, then instead of breaking he accelerated as he put his foot on the wrong peddle, it was pitch black and we were on a bend. I get out shaking like a leaf.

He's also damaged various cars of mine several times, once driving so fast over a pot hole he actually broke the chassis, then argued with me it wasn't broken and how would I know, it was indeed broken. His car he's totally fine in.

I seldom let him drive it and I need to put a stop to it completely as genuinely I struggle to cope.he drives with one hand on the wheel, is all over the road because of it. I know it's me as well, as I make him nervous, but I genuinely find it terrifying. So He doesn't drive it for a few months, then I forget and he does and I absolutely shit myself again.

NathanBarleyrocks · 14/11/2016 10:38

'fast lane'. No such thing. Don't think your driving is up to much either I suspect OP.

Gowgirl · 14/11/2016 10:50

I passed 18 months ago, dh has been in the passenger seat....ONCE, unfortunately as we only have one car now (moved to London) I now don't drive....should have saved the thousands of fucking pounds getting my license.
Lay off your dh! He can see you hissing and clenching and it I bloody horrible!

PeachBellini123 · 14/11/2016 10:57

I refuse to drive with DH in the car. He is an awful back seat driver and makes me incredibly nervous.

Maybe he should go out on his own more, get more experience then start driving with you there? All new drivers make mistakes. I bet you weren't perfect when you passed your test!

Basicbrown · 14/11/2016 10:57

The 'fast lane' is the outside lane when there is more than one overtaking lane. It may not be 'formal language' but that is the colloquial use of the term by a large number of British people. Love it calls it the 'fast lane' so must be a loony LOL

It must be hard OP. Tbh my DH has been driving for 25 years (I'm inexperienced at only 18) and I have a few beefs with his also. My SiL is in the same position as you with my brother and I'm not sure I'd cope.

NathanBarleyrocks · 14/11/2016 10:59

The 'fast lane' is the outside lane when there is more than one overtaking lane No it isn't. It is the lane to overtake traffic in the middle lane.

Basicbrown · 14/11/2016 11:01

Eh? That's the same thing. You have just chosen to explain when to use it correctly Nathan.

And in terms of It couldn't possibly have been Lane 3 shotsfired, as lorries are not permitted in lane 3 on UK Motorways. Only HGVs are not allowed in the outside lane.

nattyninkynonk · 14/11/2016 11:32

I passed my driving test when I was 17 but I really couldn't drive at all. My mother, who was terrified of me being on the road, did some research and signed me up for the ROSPA Advanced Driving Test.

You pay a one-off fee to do the test and it includes membership of the organisation, then (when I did it anyway) you have as many driving sessions with a volunteer instructor as you need until you take the test. They teach you to drive in a totally different way to how my original driving instructor taught me (which was basically to pass the test rather than to really drive well).

You can carry on being a member and there are various advantages (insurance premiums etc) but you have to retake the test periodically. I didn't bother and my driving isn't as good as it was many moons ago when I passed the test, but it was really my ROSPA instructor who taught me to drive and I was MUCH safer and more confident after it.

I thoroughly recommend it for your DH if there is a group near you and you can afford it. (Looks like it's £60 for over 25s and £55 for 25 and below).

www.roadar.org.uk/drivers/the-test.htm

ShotsFired · 14/11/2016 11:34

Sorry, I have derailed it a bit with a flippant comment.

But the point about "fast" lanes is not specifically what lane it is on any given road for any given vehicle; it's the way of thinking that is behind it. That one lane is for "fast" people and you need to somehow earn the right or experience to be in it. It's an unnecessarily aggressive or territorial or something (I am struggling to articulate what it is) mindset.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/11/2016 12:22

My mum doesn't drive and it's always been a bone of contention with my dad. He says she is a Terrible back seat driver. He's the worst. Him being a passenger in my car makes me very nervous and I make silly mistakes. My mum on the other hand never comments!

Basicbrown · 14/11/2016 12:30

I see your point shots. But tbh the 'fast lane' thing if anything is old-fashioned and often said by older people. I think you are reading too much into it, over and above the op just describing what happened.

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