AIBU to have deducted late birthday money from money owed to DM?

[scaredofthecity]

It was my birthday month before last and my DM promised me some birthday money and encouraged me to treat myself to a new coat. I spent said money and she promised she'd give it to me.

6 weeks later and still no money and I'm pretty skint this month. I've had a bill for the car, I transferred this too my DF minus the birthday money that they owe me and she had literally gone mad at me. Spitting venom down the phone and saying some really nasty things.

So for a bit of context my DF has an account with the garage and he has always paid my bills and then I transfer the money pretty swiftly. We have done it like this for ages and it works nicely.

I literally do not have the extra to make it up and Tbh cannot see what the issue is. My birthday was 6 weeks ago and she promised me the money and encouraged me to spend it. She has just taken on more hours at work for the opportunity and they are not short of a few bob.

AIBU to have deducted it from the bill?

I would forget it now but make a point of saying, let's not bother with birthday and Christmas presents anymore, we're all adults and it's too expensive.

She can't say you've had the last present can she? Do it now whilst it's fresh in her memory.

YABU. But YANBU to 'forget' her next birthday.

I agree with the previous poster who says lets forget presents..She doesn't get it both ways.

It does bring its own set of issues going NC... However you can remove yourself to the degree of saving your hurt,

I seem to be in the minority here but I think YANBU. She told you to spend the money, promised to give you it and has left you short by not giving it. Seems like a sort of power game she's playing and she's furious to have lost.

Agree you should suggest that you all forget about birthdays from now on.

Sorry that post sounded a bit harsh. I agree that you should say let's forget birthday and Christmas for the time being and only send cards rather than have all this animosity and misunderstandings.

I guess it depends how much the coat was tbh.

Vivienne what? She'd get nothing for next year's birthday? She got nothing this year!!

If this was a friend I'd agree with PPs. But this is your MOTHER and she has chosen to fall out with you over the price of a COAT. Let's just let that sink in for a minute.

Urgh your mum was vile to encourage you to spend money she knew you didn't have. Yes you should have probably said I'm deducting it before hand but she shouldn't make promises to you her daughter she wasn't planning on keeping.

As early poster said untangle your finances from your parents and go low contact if you can't face cutting them off. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she can treat you like shit, you don't have to put up with it.

Tricky. I think you should have been more cautious before buying the coat, given her history.

However, I think you've actually outsmarted her which is pretty funny

I'd just say to her that let's consider you all square on this occasion and say that to avoid any misunderstandings in future, you'll agree that you'll not do presents with each other again. Cards only.

Yanbu op, however for future I would just tell your mum you want to stop exchanging birthday and Christmas gifts with her.

I agree with AyeAmarok

If someone has form for promising money and then taking ages to give it, not giving it at all or giving less than they said, then I wouldn't spend it until I had it in my hand. I also wouldn't order something on the basis of being paid back, I'd want the money up front.

If she was never going to give you the money, or make you wait ages for it, then to an extent you have outsmarted her, hence her anger. But I think life is too short to get caught up in these games and I agree with the posters who said just cards, no presents from now on.

I think with most reasonable people the birthday money should be separate from the garage bill and in most cases your behaviour could be seen as unreasonable, but it doesn't sound like you are dealing with reasonable people. I would also agree with separating your finances from your parents and sorting your garage bills out yourself in future as this could end up being just another stick to beat you with.

Promised money doesn't exist.
YABU

My friends dm is like this. Offers to pay for the family to go away and gets friend to book somewhere on the promise she'll give her the money when she gets paid and friend never sees it. On one occasion she got another relative to buy something for friend on her behalf when they were staying at friends house saying she'd give them the money when she next saw them (both the mum and other relative live in the same city a fair bit away from friend) and the relative was never paid back. Friend has learned now not to buy anything unless the cash is in her hand.
I would have just told your df you didn't have the garage money as your mum hadn't given you the money she said she would for your coat. If she offers to buy you anything again but doesn't give you the money just say you'd rather wait since you were left short last time.

You know it was foolish to buy an expensive coat given your mum's empty promises. She, however, sounds either as though she has control or MH issues. That's an extremely OTT response for her to be such a bitch over the phone.

Is it a keeping up appearances thing? She looks good if you're doing (or appearing to do) well? Maybe your coat is so fantastic she can brag about it! I've experienced similar - but it was a wedding reception that finances were promised towards.

Don't spend the money until it's in your hand next time - I expect there are many of us who have learnt this the hard way.