To not go back to work from mat leave...

[bippitybopityboo]

Currently on maternity leave after having my 1st DC and due back in january. I have always worked but now the thought of leaving my little boy for 12 hour shifts makes me feel sick. I know mums do it its just one of those things but I just can't stand the thought of coming home from work and missing his 1st steps or something.
DH says I don't have to to back but our friends seem shocked that I would even consider not going back to work which makes me feel guilty. I don't like the thought of being unemployed but I just feel that I can't miss out on his early years.
AIBU to just think we should tighten out belts and enjoy our baby or should I go back so we will have more money to provide him with a better lifestyle I just don't know.

Are you in the NHS? I would take your full 52 weeks off and keep thinking about it. Don't forget you'll have been earning annual leave during your maternity leave so that will be owed to you regardless of whether you leave or return. You could also ask to come in for a couple of KIT days to see how you find it being away from your little one - these don't have to be 12 hour shifts, most of my nurses do 6 hour ones plus you will get paid for them which can help ease money issues. Could you join the nurse bank and work as and when there instead of being on a permanent contract somewhere?

Do you accrue annual leave op? Could you go back a couple of days at first?

Do what's best for you. Every family is different and it's a very personal choice.

Been on both sides of that coin!

Immediately returned to work after Dc1. After 5ys Dc2 came along and I had EVERY intention of going back F/T after that pregnancy. Until I worked out childcare costs and travel!

I would have been working F/T for less than 200 p/m!

Became a SAHM for the majority of the time. 10yrs on I have taken P/T work from home, and local work that didn't require childcare. Dp main breadwinner. Also used time at home to re-evaluate life goals, carried on with higher education degrees and looking at applying for a Phd next year. None of which would have been possible had I gone back to what was then an extremely stressful job, whilst paying childcare.

I'm in the exact same position.
Always worked, never thought I'd never not work and throughout my mat leave I have been going on about being looking forward to going back to work but just this week I have been given my return date and I'm gutted, properly gutted to the point I cried last night.

I have two under two and took a year off with each and I just can't seem to want to leave them.

I think, if you can afford to not work then I would definitely take that option until you're ready. But in the meantime I would do further training to keep yourself in the loop so to speak but that's just something that I'd do.

If we could afford it, I would definitely give up work for a few years but unfortunately it's not a viable option at the moment.

I'll be going back on 36 hours and if it's too much I'll reduce to 24!

Don't listen to what anyone else says is right or wrong. It should be a decision between you and dh.

It's a really personal decision op. I went back to work when ds was 10 months and found it extremely hard for about a year. Work was going through a period of significant upheaval and my female boss had very high expectations which didn't chime well with family life. I went through a period of depression and for the first time ever sought help from occupational health. I felt so torn in two - guilty, like I wasn't doing either 'job' well (mother or professional) and struggled to settle back in. I did however stick with it.

Fast forward 3 or 4 years and I'm really pleased I did. Dh is extremely supportive and my career has progressed well. I have a new job where I've progressed and feel valued. We are comfortable and although not 'wealthy' we can afford some of what we want and all of what we need. We had a Y1 parents evening yesterday and were told we should be very proud - we have a very happy, grounded, bright, confident and helpful almost 6 year old who loves to learn and the teachers love him. We've found a balance between work and family commitments that makes us all happy and fulfilled.

For me, a level of independence is extremely important - however much I love being a mum, I need to feel that I am not just a mum and wife. Dh and I never argue about money and spending because we're on a very even footing. If we split up tomorrow I am more than capable of being financially independent. Had I left my job I am sure we collectively as a family would not have equally been happy. But that's me and my family. Many women are perfectly happy to sacrifice money and a career to raise children and don't see it as a 'sacrifice' as such. However experience of those around me suggests that many women still underestimate the impact of having children on their careers. The workplace is still very much skewed against working women. I would consider myself one of the lucky ones to have found a job and an employer that is compatible with family life. I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant and just began mat leave so I'd have to wait until Oct next year to tell you whether it works with a second child.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

If you were sure it was what you wanted, I'd say by all means go for it. You mention not wanting to not be employed though, so it sounds like you're not 100% convinced (and people telling you that you won't regret it have no idea whether that's true or not, they're extrapolating from their own experiences which may not be yours). With that in mind I would at least try and look for something part time, or at least that doesn't involve 12 hour shifts. If you can't find anything, or you do but you still feel you want to be at home all the time, there's your decision. I've worked part time,

In terms of the money, concerns about having less are valid. Although saying that, check whether working would actually give you more in the first place. You mention shifts, that can be a bugger for childcare. I'd just say though, at this stage, it's not really about providing him with a better lifestyle. He won't notice if he's wearing George or Gucci. He won't care where he goes on holiday, or actually if he goes at all for a couple of years. It's more about your own financial security. I think that is something that has to be given due consideration, but you've not posted enough info for anyone to give ideas on that point.

I didn't go back after maternity leave and had been on an excelled career track. Before the birth I had promised I would be back after four months, ha!! I don't regret leaving at the start of this year one bit. I couldn't have done both to the best of my ability and time is so, so precious. Go with what you feel is right regardless of the comments from others.

You never get those early years back again so if you are in a position to give up and happy to do so then go for it.

Alternatively could you go part-time. I have three dc and returned 2 days a week and love it, the best of both worlds. Knowing I can increase my hours once the children are older if I want too?
I did consider not returning after my third but when it came to it I realised I didn't want to quit completely, as I knew I would not get a similar job with the hours and salary and I find it's a nice break

It really does depend on where you work, and what you really want to do. Do bear in mind though that some careers in some industries may not allow you to to take a career break because your skills would be rendered obsolete, but you would probably know if you were in one of those careers.

If it's just the guilt - then please bear in mind that lots of women return to work either on a part, full or flexible time basis. Some companies even guarantee parttime/flexible working for new parents, and so you don't have to be a stay at home mum any more to watch your child grow up. If you want to be, however, then by all means do it.

I didn't return to work after maternity leave and have never regretted it. I had had enough of my job, it involved long hours and lots if stress and emotional energy, plus we wanted to move house to be closer to family anyway, which would have been an insane commute if I'd gone back. We were fortunate enough to be able to afford it, and crucially, I was very much what I wanted for myself and dd, so it was a no brainer really.

It isn't necessarily the easiest path to take - it can be lonely, especially if you have a support network of other mums from your antenatal group, which then dries up when they all go back to work. As you're already finding you do get lots of comments and judgements to deal with, mostly from other working mums, who may struggle to understand your decision, or are perhaps envious that you are in a position to make it. On good days, you'll just brush these off, but on tough days, you may find they really get to you and you'll have to work hard to remind yourself that you don't need to feel guilty for doing what you believe is right for your family.

I think the thing i found the hardest was the lack of financial independence. Have a proper discussion with dh now about how it's going to work once your income ceases. Will dh's income just go into a joint account which is used for all expenses, or will a certain amount each month go to you to be used for set things? What happens if you want to treat yourself to a beauty treatment or night out with the girls, for example, or buy dh a Christmas or birthday present? Is he happy for you to use his earnings for these things or would he expect you to dip into personal savings - in which case is this something you're willing and able to do? We probably didn't give it enough thought beforehand and it has certainly led to one or two heated discussions and upset over the past few years.

Finally I guess you need to consider how easy it would be to get back into your career ( should you want to). I'm fortunate in that I had a job that is in high demand and I'm unlikely to ever struggle to get back into. It also lends itself well to freelance work, which I've been doing since dd turned 2. At that point it felt right to be doing something other than just "being mummy" and it has been good to have an income again, albeit a small one. When she starts school next year I'll make a decision as to whether I try and find a permanent position or continue with the freelance, but for now things are working well.

I guess for us the decision has also been influenced by the fact we only have the one dc and don't plan on having more, do that's also something to factor in, as it could be the difference between maybe a 2 or 3 year career break or 5 plus years, and obviously also impacts on cost of living.

Anyway, good luck whatever you decide. Just remember it is your and dh's decision, no one else's.

If you can afford not to work, have financial security for the future and aren't worried about getting back into the same market at some point then why wouldn't you.