To join in on a "boys" night out?

[Middleagedmumoftwo]

So, we have a male friend that both my partner and I have known for years. All of us have gone out every couple of weeks together with various other friends male and female, depending who can get babysitters (we don't need one). Yesterday he informed me that him and two of the males were off out tonight to our usual haunt on our usual night, but I shouldn't go as it's "boys only". Just interested in other opinions on this...as far as I'm concerned we are all friends and I couldn't care what gender they are!

Who is the third man going? Is it someone you don't know as well as your DP does?

So they have to do the same thing at the same place every Friday?

StarBears - talk about "equality" for nights out seems a tad overdramatic. - as does the 'tit for tat' suggestion that the OP exclude the boys next time.

OP has been uninvited to their usual night out. She can still go on her usual night out to her usual place with her usual friends she just isn't welcome to socialise with those 3 people. They have plans to socialise as just the 3 of Them.

Well we'll have to disagree totally on a few things, Pik.

My DH has a friend who's gf tags along to everything pub trip , night out you name it, it's beginning to wear thin especially as DH wants some man time away from the kids and wife and someones gf being their changes the dynamics some what.

I wouldn't be surprised if your DH has addressed the issue that you are always present and they don't have time just men it's not a slight on you just want time away just men.

Well I'd be feeling a bit pissed off tbh. I assume that the OP enjoys her Thursday night down the pub, she fancies a night out this week, likes to catch up with what her mates have been up to, the good mates and maybe also the regulars she knows down there and......suddenly she's told that she's sitting home by herself or else sorting out a last minute night out with some other mates somewhere else.

I think I would get it if one of the mates wanted a boys night out to escape/bitch about the other half, but I would still be feeling pretty fed up that just because I had a vagina my night out was messed up. I don't think I would join them OP, I wouldn't want to look desperate! But I understand why you would be feeling fed up.

YABVU about this. It's a boys night. If this was reversed, you'd think your DP was batshit for even considering it.

Nothing grows in shadows, give him some time alone, like he should do exactly the same with you.

I kind of get were op is coming from in that it's last minute and she usually goes out and was expecting to to now be told she is not invited think I'd also be a bit pissed off

Generally though don't think there is anything wrong with girls / boys night personally . my friends that are seperate from mine and dps "couple friends " ( I hate that term but no other way to explain it !) are a mixed group were as his friendship group seperate to "our " friends are mainly men he works with so he's much more likely to have a boys only night than me have a girls only nigjt iyswim but I have no issues with it but wouldn't like to be dropped last minute

Maybe one of them has something he wants to talk to the others about, man to man.
You sound like one of the lads anyway, so don't worry about it.
Usually you are invited and are probably there more than others needing baby sitters.

I'd be interested to know what your mutual male friend thinks and who suggested this.

I'd be tempted to leave the boys night out and find something else to do, even if it's a quiet night in. You could then maybe have a lunch or a drink with your friend on his own, whatever would be normal for you (maybe something you did pre-DP?). That might deal with any sense you are being cut out of the friendship. Also, it might be nice for you to see him without your DP too for a change, for a different dynamic.

I bet money that your attending has been an issue and the others have told your DH they want a boys night and to leave at home totally different if your a mixed sexes group but I imagine it's not the same with their mates missus sat with them.

The assumption here seems to be that the OP usually goes on these nights out in the capacity of being her partner's gf, not as a friend of the other people on the night out. My DH has a small group of male friends and I would have no issue whatsoever not being invited on a 'boys' night out' because they are a group and I am the additional person who is sometimes invited. But if they were equally my friends and I was specifically left out just because I am a woman, I would be a bit offended to be honest!

Which "he" said you can't go? The mutual friend or your partner?

I agree with OP. Perhaps other posters are used to socializing along gender lines but when you have a group of mixed friends (not female friends and their partners by association and vice versa but actual friends themselves through history, shared interests or whatever, whose sex is incidental to the relationship) then of course it isvweird to suddenly be uninvited for an arbitrary reason that's never been relevant before.

OP is hardly been a sad, limpet tag along for wanting to spend time with friends that are as much hers as her dps

Also 3 men and 1 woman is hardly a lads night out with overwhelming gender unbalance. If only 1 extra female can make it suddenly it's much more balanced.

I agree it depends who's dictated this is a lads night. If one of the others gas something specific he wants to discuss man to man, that's a bit harsh but understandable. If your d p has noticed there's only three men got g and has decided to leave you out that's nasty.

anitherone I do have a group of friends who are not "couple" friends. I still wouldn't object if a sub group of those friends occasionally wants to get together without me, especially if the subground divided on sex grounds.

Whether we like it or not, culturally men and women behave differently, talk differently in single sex groups.

Even one woman in the group will distinctly alter the tone of the night. Just as one man would in reverse. It's disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

Whether that should be the case is an argument for another time.

In the OP's shoes I'd certainly be asking why normal plans have changed for this particular week but I wouldn't go if I wasn't invited.

I'm with anyfucker, seriously plans change, your DP can't be beholden to you for every Friday night surely?!

Please don't tag along, you'll look truly pathetic and you'll be ridiculed. Just do something with your friends instead.

Could the other gf's have said something.
If you have always been a part of the group and they haven't, maybe one of them has said something.
Perhaps questioned why you are always invited but they aren't.

This happened to me in a similar group once. I was friends with the men, always had been. There were gf's that came and went but I had always been part of the group iyswim.
Other gf's didn't like it that I was there and they weren't always welcome or able to be there.
Maybe one of the gf's has said something.

I do think there's something weird about the boys' night/girls' night thing unless it's that way for a reason (hen/stag - although that said, I'll have my brother and other men on my hen do.)

I used to go out with a guy who had a big friendship group of couples, and the men were forever talking about when they could next have a 'lads' night'. Even at couple parties there would be a kind of segregation between the men and the women, which used to do my head in as out of about 15 girls there were maybe 3 that I would have chosen to be friends with in any other context. The constant banging on about lads nights just used to make me think, what is it you all think you're bringing to the table on a night out that's superior to what the girls are?

My own friendship group is mixed and so is my boyfriend's. I have to say I wouldn't be keen on nights out with mates, or a husband, who considered an evening would be better without my presence by virtue of my being female. Although I can understand why you'd rather talk to a same sex mate one on one about e.g. an emotional issue, it doesn't sound like that's what's at play here.

I think it changes the dynamics when there's one couple hanging out with group of otherwise single people, regardless of gender. Is that te reason, do you think?

Only just came back to read the answers. Quite an interesting read! No, he's not a shagger, yes he's allowed out on his own (as am I) and no it's not tit for tat. It was simply that we've always gone out as a mixed group on this particular night so I felt slightly put out that as the other wife wasn't going suddenly it seemed I wasn't welcome. In the event, one of the guys pulled out last minute (to go shagging!) and another married couple decided to come out so we all lived happy ever after and had a lovely mixed gender night out 😁

What a load of shit. He's going somewhere you frequent on the evening you frequent it and is telling you you "can't" go? Go with friends and ignore him. No boy or man is ever going to tell me what I can or can't do (ok my dad can try).

It seems like you and your DP have different views of the group dynamics. You think everyone is equal friends and are therefore put out when told you are excluded (as I would be in your shoes), whereas your DP seems to see the other males as his friends and therefore if there's not another female present he can exclude you from the gathering.

To be bloody minded I'd be tempted to organise a night out with the other guys and tell DP he can't come, just to assert that they are as much your friends as his and exclusion can cut both ways.

When I was at uni, I pretty much lived with my DP in his house. His mate decided to have a boy's night and I was asked to go somewhere else. I was friends with his housemates (before I coupled up with DP) as we all were part of the same club. That situation was similar to the OP's but I just saw it as an opportunity for me to have some girl time with my friends. No big deal.