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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send flowers for a bereavement?

23 replies

RentANDBills · 10/11/2016 15:13

A friend's Dad sadly died in an accident this week. She's only in her twenties, he was in his fifties. I never got the opportunity to meet him, though I had met his wife and heard lots of lovely things about them.

Unfortunately I have recently moved away so now live about 150 miles from our home town, so I can't see her. I've sent her a message but have avoided calling as I imagine she needs time with her family right now.

I wish I could do something to help but tbh am drawing up blanks. My initial reaction was to arrange for some flowers and a card to be sent to her and her mother.
I'm probably over thinking it but I'm a bit worried about the flowers, they seem kind of pointless and I don't want to bother or insult them.
If it is relevant, my friend likes flowers.

AIBU? Is this an acceptable thing to do?

OP posts:
Idratherbeaunicorn · 10/11/2016 15:15

I think it would be a lovely thing to do- a gesture to show that you're thinking of them without being overbearing / forcing a conversation etc.

Redglitter · 10/11/2016 15:15

It's a pretty normal thing to do. When my dad died my mum was inundated with flowers. Definitely send some it's not at all insulting

ConvincingLiar · 10/11/2016 15:17

Flowers are nice. If you can get them in a vase so they don't need arranging that's even better.

Original poster
RentANDBills · 10/11/2016 15:19

When my Grandma died, I remember my Granddad being weirdly obsessed with howany cards etc he got - it was overwhelming really, I think he was incredibly pleased that she clearly mattered a lot to people, and it was perhaps a distraction from him.

I guess I'm worried I'll create more work somehow, or its impersonal Confused

OP posts:
BorpBorpBorp · 10/11/2016 15:21

I would worry a bit about what would happen if they're not home when the flowers are delivered? I wouldn't want to cause them hassle.

I don't think it's impersonal at all.

KlingybunFistelvase · 10/11/2016 15:22

How sad!

Yes, I think flowers are a nice idea. I think you can let the delivery person know it's for a bereavement and just to leave them on the doorstep if nobody answers the door. Also agree that having an arrangement already in a vase is a good idea so nobody has to mess about cutting the stems etc.

HesterLee · 10/11/2016 15:23

When my mum died, three of my friends sent me some flowers and it meant so much. I knew they were thinking of me and were there for me.

You know your friend best but I would never think it an impersonal gesture.

bluebellation · 10/11/2016 15:23

It's a lovely thing to do Rent, especially as you live too far away to visit. It's comforting to know how many people are thinking of you when you're going through something like this.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/11/2016 15:24

A nice plant would be a good.
Flowers tend to die pretty fast so something more lasting might be nice.

Original poster
RentANDBills · 10/11/2016 15:25

That's a good point about delivery. My Mum Libes locally so I could possibly ask her to deliver. I imagine most delivery people would read the directions though? They have a large front garden and live rurally so they wouldn't be hard to leave and wouldn't get nicked.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 10/11/2016 15:29

Send your friend flowers its a deeply sad time and ill bet you she will appreciate you thinking about her.

MrsJayy · 10/11/2016 15:31

When i sent some to my friend when her dad died i got an arrangement that was already in water and a vase thing was interflora

limitedperiodonly · 10/11/2016 15:34

Flowers would be lovely. When my dad died I was so touched by the number of people who sent wreaths and flowers even though they couldn't come to the funeral. Include a card with contact details - just an email address will do. It's not pushy. It was very important to my mum to keep them and be able to say thanks.

KlingybunFistelvase · 10/11/2016 15:34

I sent flowers to a friend recently and just phoned the local florist directly. I explained to them that the friend had just had a baby and not to disturb them unnecessarily. They said they'd just knock or ring once and if no answer they would leave them on the doorstep.

StorminaBcup · 10/11/2016 15:41

I agree with the other posters, I think it's a lovely gesture and it shows you're thinking of them. It's at these tough times you really notice who your friends are, I'm sure your friend and her dm will be really touched.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 10/11/2016 15:41

I think it's a lovely thing to do.

When my mum died I thought friends might send me flowers but no one did. I was quite hurt actually as to me it shows people are thinking about you.

NoArtificialColours · 10/11/2016 15:42

Nice gesture but so is the phone call. She can just ignore the call if she didn't want to speak?
From personal experience I preferred knowing people were there if I needed or wanted to talk.

Obviously still send the flowers too though x

FV45 · 10/11/2016 15:45

I was so very touched to find some flowers had been sent to the funeral home by a very close group of friends, when my Mother and then my Father died. There is really so little anyone can do at a time of bereavement and knowing they were thinking of me really touched me.

I didn't mind receiving txt messages either - it's the modern way and I could just reply when I was able to.

ByeByeLilSebastian · 10/11/2016 15:48

I would have loved that when my mum died. Anything thoughtful is greatly received

limitedperiodonly · 10/11/2016 16:10

So many people worry about being intrusive when people die that they're scared to make any contact. I can only speak for myself, but flowers and cards and discreet contact details are a wonderful, loving gesture.

There is nothing worse than a lonely funeral but everything great on that terrible day about seeing how much people love you and your loved one. Do it. Smile

ladymariner · 10/11/2016 16:14

When I lost my darling Dad I was inundated with cards and flowers and I was so grateful, it was lovely to know people cared and I didn't feel alone x

Musicaltheatremum · 10/11/2016 16:17

I got loads of flowers when my husband died. But I ran out of vases and had to go and buy some just to cope. A card now and flowers later would be lovely as the flowers always come within a few days and die within a few days and then there is the day, which was a month after my husband died, that nothing came and that was really sad too. So I would say spread it out but certainly a card early on.

Original poster
RentANDBills · 10/11/2016 16:50

Thank you for the replies.

I'll make sure to provide something a bit longer lasting and low maintenance.
I'll send off a handwritten card tonight (I don't like the idea of a generic printed one with flowers, seems a bit distant) and follow up with flowers at a later date.
Obviously I have no idea when the funeral will be at this point, I'm hoping I can make it.

It's probably pretty obvious that I worry about the right thing to do, from a social perspective. I'm quite antisocial picky with friends so I only have 5 or 6 friends, all of whom I'd consider quite "close" however I imagine she feels less so about me, she's incredibly popular, very outgoing. So I don't want to overstep my mark!

Though I've been quite shocked at how little support she's had on Facebook, not that that is a perfect indicator, obviously.

OP posts:
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