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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask all the pregnant ladies for their thoughts?

20 replies

IwishIwasalesbian · 09/11/2016 14:13

I'm a writer (not a journalist) and I am working on a pregnant character. She's not had a great time, and the circumstances of her pregnancy are far from ideal, but she's gathering up her courage and promising the baby inside her all the things she'll do for him (or her).

I have two kids, but I am one of those people who forgets every stage as soon as it happens, at least until it happens again, and I don't really remember being pregnant. Just that it was an intense time, and I felt proud of my body, and basically invincible, although incredibly vulnerable, sometimes at once. But I don't remember my dreams...

Would anyone like to post and say what their feelings are just now? First time mums or old hands, what are your hopes, dreams, fears, promises, ambitions, predictions, wild imaginings? Where do you want to take them, what would you show them?

If you were writing to the baby inside you, what would you say?

Thanks guys and congratulations!

xxxx

OP posts:
HughLauriesStubble · 09/11/2016 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/11/2016 14:46

I've always been really poorly with my pregnancies, and something someone on here said really resonated with me: I can't be cross with you or blame you for making me poorly, you don't mean to, I just need to look after you and give you what you need for now- and unfortunately that means making me poorly.

I also just wish for this baby that they're happy. I couldn't care less if they're clever or amazingly talented; I just want them to have friends, be confident in their own abilities and find joy in the everyday.

Original poster
IwishIwasalesbian · 09/11/2016 17:17

Thanks for the responses, it's been very helpful, and finding joy in the everyday is a good way of putting it - I asked a childless male friend about this and he said he'd 'show them the railroad,' which is a really nice shorthand for many of the aspects of a fulfilling life.

I suppose it's that sort of thing I mean - when I was a little girl just seeing my mum in the morning, in the kitchen all lit up and warm, with the radio on, was a lovely feeling. So it's that sort of thing I mean, not an achievement wish-list (unless maybe that's your thing) So when people say they wish for a happy life for their children, what do they see?

The more specific the better really.
Inspiration can be found in the smallest fragments.

Thanks again!

Ps. Yes it is her first baby, so fears might be a part of her thinking. That said, I don't remember being afraid with DC1, was petrified the second time though!

xxx

OP posts:
mum2Bomg · 09/11/2016 17:31

I'm writing a journal to my baby - got it online called Bump to Birthday/ I've 'spoken' about lots of things. My strengths and weaknesses, how I found out I was pregnant, what her father is like, what her family is like, what I'm scared about for the birth, what I'm looking forward to, how important she is, how many people are here to love and care for her, everything we have bought, what qualities I hope she has (generosity, understanding, empathy, sympathy, strength). I hope she reads it! I've also stuck in cards, photos of a sans, photos of me pregnant etc.

mum2Bomg · 09/11/2016 17:34

Promises - that I will always be there for her and just trying to explain how important and loved she is ties me up in knots sometimes. Really cannot put it into words for her.

Original poster
IwishIwasalesbian · 09/11/2016 17:38

Bump2B that's absolutely lovely. I should have done that and now I'd have a lot more to go on! I would think any daughter would love to read that. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
IwishIwasalesbian · 09/11/2016 17:42

Mum2B sorry!

OP posts:
mum2Bomg · 09/11/2016 17:45

Thanks! Seems a little self indulgent but I wish my Mum had kept one as when she tries to tell me her pregnancy stories now she gets them mixed up - 4DC's will do that. My sister seems to think it's mildly hilarious so I just don't speak to her about it. I find it really relaxing.

mum2Bomg · 09/11/2016 17:46

Oh, and I warned her about Trump Smile

AudreyBradshaw · 09/11/2016 17:55

Physically, I've sailed through pregnancy. Emotionally though, well, it's been horrendous. One awful obstacle after another.

After some truly shattering news last night I was floundering and thinking 'how am I going to have this baby and be pleased? How am I going to give it a life it deserves?'

And then I had my midwife appointment this morning and heard the thump of a little heartbeat as it did yoga in my womb and everything mid-section went all taut and weirdly contortiony. And I realised that whatever happens it's my duty and privelege to protect and love this baby and that I'm truly fortunate to be on the verge of being a Mam.

I didn't want to know what we were having so I couldn't form any preconceptions about it being a boy or a girl, and I've had a few people say "oh, as long as it's healthy" but while we are so lucky that as far as we know, baby is healthy, it wouldn't matter if it wasn't. Because he/she is ours. And we'll get what we're given and be thrilled. And I can't wait to see what this baby grows up to become.

And all the awfulness that has happened to us in the past 6 months will become a memory, and one day, maybe when were watching this baby smile, or being amazed as it takes its first steps, or reads out loud for the first time, or when were buying uniform for secondary school, or bedding for university...we'll be able to remember how we put the awfulness behind us, maybe laugh about it, but we will definitely go "phew, can you believe we got through that?!"

(That felt really cathartic to write out. I'm 38 weeks with my first and baby is fully engaged.)

Rubberduck2 · 09/11/2016 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IwishIwasalesbian · 09/11/2016 18:13

AudreyBradshaw am sorry to hear that you have had so much
to deal with, but as you have reminded me, very eloquently, pregnancy brings a certain sense of perspective. I hope the rest of your time goes smoothly and your little one helps you to find the strength to cope with all the rest.

OP posts:
gggrrrargh · 09/11/2016 18:21

I say things to her like 'argh heartburn is rubbish thanks for that!'

5 minutes late I rub the bump and say 'aah don't worry you are worth it' Smile

ellesbellesxxx · 09/11/2016 19:01

I am 8 weeks pregnant with twins after two years of infertility and a round of IVF. I am so desperate for them both to make it. For them both to grow healthily. I have had a lot of nausea but I find it reassuring and it makes me feel like they are letting me know they are in there!!!!
I tell them all the time how much We love them and will protect them. I tell them how much their extended family and friends will love them and how much fun we will have.

Mum2bomg love the idea of your book!!!

positivity123 · 09/11/2016 19:52

I had a baby two weeks ago so here is my imput

  • total fear for the first 15 weeks that I'd lose it. Enjoyed the rest of the pregnancy until I went 11 days overdue and was very worried about stillborn risk. Not helped by family ringing me every day to see how I was doing
  • I felt very emotionally stable which is different to some people. I never had crazy hormone changes. I made a real effort to look after myself so no drinking, early nights, eating healthily and regular excercise and meditation meant I felt really well
  • huge change in my identity. I felt a real sadness that I was losing common ground with old friends as I could no longer go out drinking and partying. Felt closer to friends who have been through pregnancy.
  • I have a job that requires a lot of negotiations (mainly with men as they dominate the field) and I like to keep personal life private. It felt strange then people knowing I was about to become a mum and I felt it changed perceptions of me
  • I was so focused on labour (did a lot of yoga and hypnobirthing in preparation) that I don't think I thought much about being a parent
  • I know I want her to feel secure. I had a very stable childhood as did my DH and that is really important to us. I want her to have happy memories of childhood where DH and I play with her, take her on walks and enjoy her. My own happy memories of childhood are playing cricket in the garden, bike rides after school and long car journeys on holidays. I don't want to recreate these, I want her to have her own experiences but they don't have to be extraordinary to be special.

Hope this helps

redjumper · 09/11/2016 20:23

Here are a few, very specific, fantasies I've had about my children...in terms of giving them warm childhood memories. I guess some things come from my own childhood nostalgia.

I'll go to their school and do reading with groups. And I'll go on their school trips as a parent helper.
I'll take them into my work one day and show them round, let them sit at my desk.
I'll teach them their times table (bit random but I'm a maths geek!)
I'll wrap them up in an extra big towel, warmed on the radiator when they get out the bath.
We'll have a Movie afternoon at home on Sundays.
I'll teach them how to cook.
We'll decorate the Xmas tree together to xmas music each year.
They'll learn to ski together and we'll try to go every year as a family.
We'll go to Lapland one year.

calmingthoughts · 09/11/2016 20:50

I was really sick and have had a lot of pain so haven't really enjoyed this pregnancy (my first). And I've been super busy at work, so have just had to power through. I love feeling him move though and feel very very bonded to this baby. I have some nerves about labour (36 weeks now) but overall I'm just so excited to meet this person!

And I sing to him, same song every time, in the hopes that it will be familiar and might soothe him when he's out in the world.

Original poster
IwishIwasalesbian · 10/11/2016 14:21

Thanks so much to everyone who posted, has been lovely to read a a really helpful.

Good luck!

OP posts:
ellesbellesxxx · 29/11/2016 08:21

Thank you mum2 only just saw your response! Will wait for 12 week scan then I may well get one! Xx

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