To ask that DD (11) only uses the laptop in a communal area

[hillbilly]

She would rather take it to her room to do homework (year 7).I would rather she used it in a communal space. She says I don't trust her and that it's distracting to be in the kitchen. I say that one of the first pieces of internet safety advice is to use communal ares.

She does have trouble focusing and I suspect she is daydreams a fair bit when isolated in her room.

Am I being harsh or unreasonable?

NBU IMO, I can however see her point too. I think the best compromise would be that maybe she leaves her door open, you check in regularly and definitely invest in some online safety software and maybe seek professional advice on what is available to allow you more control over the laptop/Internet options?

I can (and do) check internet history so feel I can trust them until proven otherwise.

You haven't got 'InPrivate' browsing then?

I definitely know that my DS is more internet savvy than me, and while it's not exactly that I don't trust him, I'm just worried for him and do want to keep an eye on what he's up to. Do products like norton family watch all browsers? Do they catch things done in private/incognito mode?

The other thing is - I don't want her to become sneaky about things which I fear may be the case with a blanket ban. I would rather be open and educated about it as a family but tend to err on the side of less screen freedom not more. Whereas, regarding other forms of independence and freedom both children have loads!

Sorry don't trust her and don't trust others

It's all well those on here saying you should let her you don't want to be the mother posting because your daughter has sent a naked picture or logging on to a pro anorexia site or being bullied on line all witch could be done whilest completing homework

We have our PC in the front room I have invested in some noise cancling head phones

That's its

I wouldn't trust a 11 year old with a load of things internet being one of them

No and you are aware they can use proxy sites that mask your usage it took my nephew 10 minutes of watching a you tube video to know how to do it he typed in what to hide history

And sitting with the door open is useless unless yu can actively see the screen or she knows you can happen upon her at any time in a Commal area then it's very easy to even be watching porn with out being noticed it's just one click to hide it

I'm sure they can hide their tracks but I would be reasonable about the rules for now. If a child wants to go on anorexia sites or watch porn it's more likely they will wait until you are out or use a friend's device. I think you have to have a baseline of a reasonable level of trust. Perhaps door open and check on her regularly?

YABU to ask - you would be reasonable to tell
For me it would be non-negotiable...

several different issues here which need to be separated:

• using the internet should never include sites / content you would be embarrassed for your parents to see - so there should be no issue if that is in a communal area
• homework in peace and quiet - that is very valid, so looking at options for that / to keep younger brother quieter / etc. are all valid steps
• trust - that is more difficult, ultimately it is as much about trusting / not trusting outsiders as it is about trusting your child - the problem is that the internet is such an open melting pot of everything it is difficult to self-regulate, part of parenting is to help with that - so certainly early stages of use should be under parental supervision, if by year 9 there has never been an issue, then perhaps there is more relevance in re-visiting

poster akkakk

Fab post

You can get some really decent head phones also one would think if brother is younger then not going to bed at the same time as soon as he's in bed can she not do her work them unless she's in a grammer or private school she won't be getting that much homework at 11

akkakk - ha ha yes well I started the thread title as "insisting" that she use communal area, but changed it :-)

She is not on social media at all - yet. No FB, instagram, whatsapp, but obv on my ipad it's easy for her to access my FB, email or whatsapp which again I'm not happy with. We will have a laptop soon so I imagine it will be easier to set up individual profiles for each of us in the house and that will keep her away from my stuff.

thefishwife - great name btw! Her little brother goes to bed around 7.45 and she has about 45 mins before getting ready for bed herself. Headphones are a good adea. She's a state secondary and gets prob about an hour or so HW a night.

the reality (as suggested by others above) is that children / teenagers have far more knowledge about how to circumvent protection measures than their parents understand in how to stop them... and it is discussed at school - widely...

but ultimately to use a computer / device a child needs to see the screen - so the only true safeguard is a situation where parents can see the screen if they wish - and casually / continuously... anything else doesn't work...

I was at a house a while back and tried to get onto facebook but was blocked - the father proudly said that he had tight control of the internet - but was oblivious to his mid-teen son lying on the sofa playing on facebook the average under-18 is far more computer literate than the average adult!

Headphones and a nice little designated area of the kitchen that is 'her space' maybe with a folder where she can keep spare paper, pot for stationery, dictionary etc so you can pack it away easily during the day when she's not using it. Nice cushion for the chair! Oh, and a timer so she can see how long she is spending on each piece.

Keep her downstairs and get her brother doing something separate with you for the hour- puzzles, colouring, Lego, whatever. That way you're nearby if she needs you, she feels grown up and special and you delay the push to use the laptop in the bedroom.

Op it's a hard one. I totally sympathise with both your DD and you!

I have a 12yo in y8, who really needs peace and quiet to concentrate on homework. Like you I'd prefer to keep him in a communal area when online. Problem is I also have a y2 child and a preschooler who are goddamned fucking noisy. And additional problem is that said 12yo has Aspergers and is hugely, desperately noise sensitive even with headphones on!

So there are times when he is in his room. For everyone's sanity! And I monitor the websites etc and there's never been an issue so far. As a PP says, there has to be a developing level of trust. And another thing I learned at an Internet safety talk is to keep lines of communication open, chat to them about games they play/videos they might watch in their leisure time, watch stuff with them, so that if they do happen to see something that concerns them then they're more likely to feel comfortable talking to you about it.

And definitely definitely no screens or phones in bedroom overnight.

It's a hard one though. I hate, hate, hate this whole rigid monitoring screen time and gaming time and social media obsessive safety malarkey. I worry about it constantly and it's the one aspect of modern parenthood that I think saps away much of the enjoyment and pleasure of actually having kids. You feel like a constant killjoy and stress head (well I do anyway - although am conscious that a child on the spectrum is probably more screen reliant than others). Our parents never had these problems!

scarydinosaurs - no room for designated DD space, she has to use the kitchen table. No upstairs for younger brother to go to although he can play in his room or the living room but would have to be quiet play.

You could enable the younger ones in cooking the dinner while she is doing it

But give the noise cancling headphones a go my ds has never had a issues he is now in collage and still uses the PC in the front room I could literally do the tango across the sitting room floor he can't hear anything and tbh it's a good skill for her to learn it's not that productive to only be able to produce work in silence on your own in a dark room

My dh can only work like this and it really effects his ability to be a mobile worker he often uses library's and really struggle because he hasn't got the skill of freezing out disraction

But could her space be moveable- so she sets it up and packs it away. I used to do the same in my living room and loved it. I felt like I had my own little office. She has her things in a little box and unpacks her workspace and then packs it away again once she's done.

Yes she could def arrange a moveable set up. I'm actually looking for a bureau bookcase that could replace a cabinet in our kitchen and then the desk bit could fold out for anyone using the laptop. It also means the screen would face outwards to the room which would be ideal.

Its good to leep it communal, especially for homework, however I don't think allowing her some private time alone with the laptop in her room - say half an hour each night is too unreasonable.
When I was young I was too embarrassed to ask about certain personal problems e.g periods or cystisis and so would google them - it was much better for me to be able to research these things privately.
You can always do this but still check her history without letting her know though, just so she thinks she's getting the privacy but you're still keeping her safe IYSWIM.

When I was young the only PC in the house with internet, was downstairs! However, my dad didn't hover around me when I did homework, so I spent a lot of time on MSN and Neopets...