What happened exactly?

[Whathappendexactly]

I have left a few post on mumsnets in the past. Usually about the lighter side of life or if someone is looking for advice about a situation I have also found myself in. I'm level headed. Not a drama lama. But this recent situation has really put my head in a spin and I'm asking for perspective. I have name changed because I would quite like to go back to my old name and talk about about the lovelier stuff in life.

A few nights ago my husband woke me. He was talking in his sleep. He had said very loudly and in a sinister tone "get your knickers off". Next thing he has grabbed me and grappling with my PJ's. He was rough, vocal and I was feeling very shocked. I had to use physical force to get him off me. He had been drinking the evening before but I had not. I knew his initial statement was sleep talking but everything after that I assumed he was at leat half awake and would remember in the morning.

I considered leaving the bed, not because I was scared but because I was very angry. My children were home so there were no spare bedrooms so I stayed put. By this time he had fallen back to sleep anyway and I wasn't in any immediate danger of being woken up again. Just to emphasis though it was a really shocking few moments.

Next morning I was expecting an apology. Nothing. He had no recall of anything.

Now a bit of back ground. My husband has a high sex drive. He loves me and we have a great a sex life but his appetite is much bigger and broader than mine. We have had a few occasions in the past when he's over stepped the mark with me. It's been alarming but the balance is the he is otherwise loving and kind. But when it comes to sex I cannot always go as far as him.

Our first sexual encounter took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting to have sex but he certainly pushed the event to the point i thought i would look stupid saying no / secretly excited it was about to happen.

He looks at a lot of porn sites ( with my knowledge) and I've always felt this has bridged the gap.

On occasions I've had sex when I didn't want to. Other times our sex life blows my mind and I feel like the most most loved woman in the world, flaws and all. He's naturally fit and honestly I'm a bit flabby now which he does not care about one jot.

I have lost my thread a bit but it's been a few days now and I'm still feeling a bit shocked at what happened. It's not strictly a one off either. He's often tried it on at really inappropriate times.

My aibu is do I let it go or try and talk about it with him with much firmer words than I've already tried. He's shrugged the whole event off because he remembers nothing.

[beccabanana]

It doesn't really say in your post but did you ask him whether he was asleep or partially awake and explain what happened and how scared you were at the time? Or was it just mentioned in passing if he remembered last night and he just didn't remember and wasn't sure what he was meant to apologise for? Either way I think you need to sit down and tell him in detail what happened and how you felt and judge his reaction from then. Surely any decent guy would be mortified?! If not, I'd be sleeping separately until he was

[Strongmummy]

Sounds like sexsomnia. Talk to him about it and tell him to take it bloody seriously and to get help.

[SpunkyMummy]

Sex when you didn't want to like,,,


A: "I really am tired, and this is a bit boring. But why not?" Because I have done that and DH doesn't abuse me sexually and would always stop if I told him to.
B: "I really don't want to. Can I tell him? Will he listen? Would he do it anyway?"


However, what happened last night... maybe this was really some bizarre for, of sleepwalking. But in this case you need to sleep in a different room and he needs to get help.
And if he's doing what I described above in option B? Leave him. ASAP.

[SpunkyMummy]

Btw. There have been studies on porn consumption.

It generally doesn't see, to decrease the sexdrive. But it can most likely influence real life sexual desires.
Men that consume porn are also more likely to cheat. But correlation isn't causation, obviously.

I'm just saying, treating porn as a way to 'fix' an already existing problem seems like an incredibly bad idea.

[Liiinoo]

I sometimes sleepwalk but never do anything out of character when this happens. I seem to be 'acting out' everyday issues. My DH on the other hand has extremely violent vocal outbursts in his sleep, screaming, swearing and lashing out. This can be very scary if it wakes me but I don't blame him. In real life he can sometimes be forgetful and offhand but is never, ever abusive so I know he is just having nightmares and working through the stresses of the day.

So I wouldn't make too much of the aggressive sleep behaviour on its own. But combining it with the waking stuff is much more worrying. For him sexual assault may not be far out of character so I can see why the OP is so worried. I would certainly not want to share a bed with him.

OP I think you need to talk to him. You can't carry on like this, living on a knife edge and questioning your own judgement. Would he consider counselling, either together or just for him?

[Happyhippy45]

My husband has dry jumped me in his sleep. Pinned me down. Until I fought home off. A bit scary but he was genuinely unaware. I told him about it in the morning and he was horrified.

[jobrum]

All the other occassions where your husband has been awake, I can't comment on. Trying to have sex with you while asleep though is completly possible. My dh sleepwalks, always after drinking (and less drink needed as he's got older) and has no recollection of it after. On first glance he looks awake but then you notice that his eyes are just staring off, he isn't really seeing anything. He's done odd things from walking around, trying to work the oven, peeing up the radiator and getting dressed. Sometimes muttering, other times saying clear sentences.

You do need to raise this issue with him to get over how serious it could be, he could have sleep walked previously without you realising and it could happen again. Its upsetting and he could injure himself or you.

[Whathappendexactly]

Morning. Thanks for all your comments. The information about people doing things in their sleep and not remembering has been helpful. I sure he was asleep and remembers nothing but I think he should be more apologetic just as a few of you said.

A few of you asked questions about our waking sex life. Yes, he's prone to come onto me at completely the wrong time but he takes no for answer ( and sulks for a bit).
Yes, I've had sex when I've not been in the mood but again it's consensual. To be fair on DH I often end up happy I gave in to him. He's pushes my boundaries but nothing "weird" and he's not a rapist. My children are certainly in no danger. He loves them like a Dad (who doesn't slap or hit as punishment). He just not a violent man despite his build. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever heard him shout at my children or anyone come to think of it.

Porn. Yes, he looks at a lot of porn in my opinion but it's what might be deemed "normal" never violent, always older people. Usually threesome type stuff. I'm not into it but he is.

I don't feel I need to leave him over this but I do wish I could get him to tone it down a bit. Last week I slipped my arm around him for a cuddle and kissed the back of his neck and he takes it as a green light to do it there and then! I try not to touch him now if we can't take it all the way as again he ends up sulking.

[DoItTooJulia]

Oh come on-you try not to touch him so you don't have to have sex-that's no life. I'm sympathetic but struggling to understand how you want to spend the next, what, 20 + + years living like that?

Even if you don't see the problem with his attitude to you thats really sad.

[rogertherabbit]

Has he always been like this? Does he always want rough sex or can he be gentle and mindful of you want?

I definitely think he needs some therapy. Does he genuinely know how you feel, or are you unable to have a proper talk with him? Perhaps you can show him your OP. I imagine some joint sessions with a sex counsellor might help him understand how you feel and how you can help and respect each other. At the moment it doesn't seem as though he's respecting you as he should

[Whathappendexactly]

Roger the rabbit.

Thanks. Good words. Yes, he's always been a bit full on. Not sure he intends to be rough. He can also be very loving. He's not just one thing when it comes to sex.

I doubt he'd go to counselling as I doubt he even views himself as having a problem but I'm pleased you highlighted thst he's not very respectful. I was wondering that myself.

[BabyJakeHatersClub]

Only you know if you've been raped and I think those jumping to say you have are ridiculous given the information you've supplied.

You should never do anything you don't want to but I've had sex with my husband when I didn't especially want to. I wasn't that I really didn't or thought there would be an issue with me saying no (as I do sometimes), but simply it wasn't such a big deal to do what he wanted. He's jokingly said (last week actually), "okay, but no cuddling" when he was tired but I was horny. I think you need to give more info. for a more informed opinion.

If you're happy to have a discussion about all of this with him then you need to telling him it isn't a "shrugging off" matter. If you're worried about broaching the subject then it's entirely different and you need to do some serious thinking about your future together and how to safely leave him.

[BabyJakeHatersClub]

I had only seen the first page OP so some of my post is redundant.

The last 2 sentences stand though.