To occasionally want DC to have some time with GPs without SIL and her DCs?

[KlingybunFistelvase]

I'm fully prepared to be told I am being an unreasonable, unfriendly, unkind bitch here.

DH and I have one DD. My mum died before she was born and my dad lives a plane ride away.

PILs have three other DGCs (SIL's DCs). They are lovely children, though they definitely have their moments and as they are a bit older than DD and quite boisterous, if we go to visit PILs and they are around (which is on more or less every occasion) the house gets very chaotic. MIL and SIL busy themselves in the kitchen, refuse help and I'm usually left for a good portion of the visit in the sitting room while the children all play together. DH isn't that helpful as he either looks at his phone or goes off with FIL to play darts or similar. I feel like a bit of a spare part tbh and also have to fend off some of the more boisterous play which DD isn't quite old enough to participate in.

I end up finding the visits really boring and hard work. I think I feel worse about it at the moment as I am far from home and have to family or friends nearby. The only people we have are ILs, but when we go to see them I end up feeling like I'm doing more work than I would be at home. I'm having a major moan here I think. I just wish we could go and DD spend some time with her grandparents, especially MIL as she only has the one grandmother but that just doesn't seem possible.

SIL gets a lot of help from PILs with her DCs, which I understand as she needs it; she has more of them for a start and her DH works funny hours. She also works pt while I'm a sahm, so needs help with childcare for that. PILs also work, so there seems to be not much free time left for DD.

Just to clarify; I know that not having regular help from GPs seems to be the norm these days.

Klingy you should not feel bad about not wanting to effectively babysit when you visit your IL's. It seems that both SIL and MIL want a break from SIL's dc. Your IL's will probably be delighted at the prospect of having a quieter time alone at your house!

It's absolutely fine to invite pils on their own to your house.
It's also fine for dh to take dd to stay there on his own, you don't need to go every time.
When you do go, a change of scene csn be good. E.g park etc.

Why don't you stay home then? You get a break and DH can supervise instead of playing darts for a bit.

It's precious because GPs are adults with their own lives. If they want to spend X time with their grandchildren as a group, it is completely their call. All you as a parent get to do is accept or decline that invitation, not moan that they aren't dedicating that time to your child only.

All you as a parent get to do is accept or decline

True! I think I'll be declining a few more as it goes... It would beat the pants off spending a pretty tiring day looking after niece and nephews . They are lovely children, but if I could just cut down the visits and maybe just do the out and about trips instead of going to PILs, then I still see them, just maybe not for the whole afternoon while SIL and MIL prepare a huge meal! I do feel a bit like a spare part when I'm there and I am feeling a bit inspired by the poster who said it simply isn't their job to take DC to ILs. If I could have a similar arrangement for maybe three quarters of the visits, I think I'd be hugely relieved. I want DD to see them of course but there's no reason why DH can't do the trips to PILs' on his own.

Looks like a classic case of a DH problem, not a MIL/SIL/DNs problem to me. Sorry not to put it in more imaginative terms!

Either make it crystal clear to him that this buggering off is no longer happening, no matter how much his Dad might insist, or stay at home and let DH take your DC. Or do the crystal clear bit, and then bugger off into the kitchen to chat, ignoring all shouts for your attention.

I imagine your DC does get alot out of being with cousins as others have said.

If that's the case we obviously have to invite her too as would be harsh to tell them to leave her at home alone with DCs.

I don't get this - why do you think this way? Just invite PILS, maybe to do something specific, and don't invite SIL.

I totally understand how you feel. My ILS lived a long way away, and we would arrange a visit, to be told "oh, it's great, SIL and her obnoxious DSs will be here that week too now - such fun!" and I would be thinking, that's my idea of a fucking nightmare.

Let DH take DD alone - take up a class on the day they usually go, or make up hair/shopping with friends appts. You don't have to go every time and it doesn't sound like they appreciate you.

Sorry about your mum