to feel a little bit sad

[ohgoodlordthatsmoist]

I love my mum very much but I feel a little bit sad that she doesn't offer to help a little bit more with lo.
She feels that she has raised her family (which I totally respect) and as such it is a huge stretch to babysit, she has done so if lo is in bed and after being 'paid with a spa day' has agreed to look after lo while we attend a wedding next month, the wedding is 2 hours drive away so we will drive up in the morning and be back for around 11, she will not look after lo overnight and we will be expected to get up with him in the morning (usually 6am)
I feel a little bit sad as my cousins parents all offer to babysit regularly, would have said oh stay overnight and enjoy the day rather than being made feel guilty about Abandoning our child for the day.

Sorry I know I'm probably BU as she is under no obligation to help and so we would be grateful for any help we are getting, it just hurts a bit, especially as she looks after my cousins from time to time so their parents can have a night out/weekend away.

We have a similar situation although my DM would love to help more but can't due to my DF being terminally ill. She has offered to come round on a evening and watch whilst they are in bed but I don't like to take advantage.

My inlaws just aren't bothered about having DGC never offer and it's rare we ask. SIL has been fab but she has her own DC so we understand how busy she is now. It got to the point where by mil wouldn't see DGC for several weeks although now she has made of an effort often coming round with SIL and her baby rarely on her own. She makes more of an effort with her own DD baby although we have accepted it and don't go out of our way as much as we previously done. Some people are just plain werid. I can't imagine being like this with my grand kids.

I had this conversation with Dh at the weekend. We asked Mil to babysit for Ds 9, in December, and her reply was, ' oh great, just what I need so close to Christmas!' Made me feel really sad. Both my parents died years ago, and I know that my mum would have loved having a GC. Felt like telling her to bog off, but of course, she's completely entitled to feel like that.

They have raised their children and should be free to enjoy their time now.

Most adults seem to expect free childcare and then are put out when people feel taken advantage of and don't play along.

The ones I see taking advantage of grandparents, just take, They do nothing in return and the grandparents know if they don't do the childcare then their access to the children would be very limited. Very sad.

I hear you OP. Same issue here.

It grates that Dsis gets hot and cold running help but I have to exchange time for holidays and presents.

It is tough op but unfortunately she probably won't change even if you speak to her about it.

My ILs were amazing at offering help with my DC. They even had them when I went to work. Sadly, they're no longer around and I have to ask my mam if I need a babysitter, which is usually always met with an obligatory yes. Yet when my brother or sister want a babysitter, she is joyful and straigh in there. She used to have my eldest once a week while I worked, but as soon as my sister had a baby, my DC was dumped and she's never looked after them while I worked since. That was 12 years ago.

Just to be clear I am not asking for regular childcare, just occasional for birthday, wedding anniversary etc without having to worry about asking for weeks before and having to grovel and be excessively appreciative (more than the usual gratitude we would show) would be nice.
It's the willingness to help others and the lies that are told about how much she helps us out that are hurtful,

I don't understand not wanting to spend time with your grandchildren, and giving your kids a break. My eldest is only 9 but I hope I will be able to look after my dgc when I have some.

I have to wonder if grandparents who seldom babysit will expect their grandchildren to visit them when they are older? Because I think it is unlikely they will bother to or be asked to by their parents if they perceive that their grandparents didn't make time for them when they were little.

You're quite entitled to feel sad OP. My mum was like that when my DC were small and I felt sad for them and for her that they weren't close. Now I have my own DGC I'm as hands on as I can be (while respecting boundaries!) and I love that I have such a close bond with them. My DC are very appreciative too - win/win!

Sorry to read you are sad and hurt OP 🌺🌺🌺

I am in the same position as poster KlingybunFistelvase. I have pretty much given up tbh. I dont make the effort to offer time with LO now as I have been rebuffed every time since LO was born. Oh well. I am lucky LO sleeps throughout the night so I do get an evening and some couple time with DP!

I would echo PP comments and suggest a babysitter. Hope it all works out OP and that you feel better about it all soon.

I would pay a sitter tbh. She is under no obligation but it is sad that she is so resistant to lending a hand and you feel obliged to buy her a spa day to thank her.

I agree with Coffee. The love you have for your children doesn't stop when they are adult. I'd do anything for my kids and I'd do anything to help them have a good life. Obviously that doesn't mean I'd welcome doing all their childcare, but babysitting at the weekend and evenings, yes, I would love that.

I'd be gutted too OP, sorry you feel sad. My family have it quite ingrained that we all muck in - my grandparents helped with us and my DM's aunts watched my DM and her brothers. Bringing up children can be relentless without help and also without other people "cheerleading" for your DC's. It helps you remember the good stuff.

Just sent my DM a "thanks again for helping with DS" text. She's been amazing since he was born and I don't know what we'd have done without her - I certainly wouldn't have been able to go to work. Will make sure I'm extra grateful from now on.

We asked Mil to babysit for Ds 9, in December, and her reply was, ' oh great, just what I need so close to Christmas!

That's exactly the type of thing my DM would say. Why can't she just say 'oh sorry, I'd have loved to, but I'm afraid it's not convenient!

Well if she is watching cousins kids, why not ask your Auntie? She may tell your Mum off for being unreasonable.
My Mum isn't that bothered about watching my kids but we lived on different continents until recently. She's had Dd overnight twice in three years, and would probably have her if something like a wedding came up.

The thing is, she did eventually say yes,, but if you can't be gracious about it, why bother

My mum lived ten minutes away, retired, drove and in good health yet only ever babysat when asked and in almost 14 years never ever had the DC overnight at hers. Only once at ours. The number of nights out we came home early from so she could go home, despite us offering her our spare room for the night. No Friday afternoon tea at grandma's, no Sunday mornings in the park. The only real break we got for years was when we were at work!
She would help on an occasional basis but did not want to be tied down to regular commitment and tbh, I kind of understand, hard though it made it. Nothing worse than grandparents who won't say no, and end up trudging the street pushing prams every week. It s not how I want to spend my retirement.