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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

50 replies

Dodohsppy · 06/11/2016 23:29

Had plans to meet dsis (my age, 23) which we told our other older sister about (28). Although we're close to her and all live in the same city, tend to see older sis less as she is married and does a lot of stuff with her dp; also I don't think uni-style parties etc are really her thing anymore, especially as she lives about an hour away and her dp is late thirties and they do a lot of stuff with older people in couples.

Anyway older dsis heard we were meeting and said to let her know where we were. Fine. I ended up seeing friends and getting quite tipsy early on, then contacting younger dsis (who I had firm plans with) to let her knoe my location, who joined. Older dsis was bored at home as her dp was out drinking so called me a few times, but I barely registered as was drunk/silly and also she definitely wouldn't have come out; we were really far from her house and it was clear she only wanted to see what we were up to as she was bored ie on her terms - plus we didn't have firm plans.

It has recently transpired that she's still upset about this. I apologised but don't think I did anything that badly wrong! Who ibu? I think she's upset that me and younger dsis see each other more - but that's only because we have more free time/no dps and lots of mutual friends. Feel a bit angry she's made me feel bad about it

OP posts:

Seren85 · 07/11/2016 00:01

Would you like if you were in her position but with a friend? It was thoughtless, you've agreed that it was. She's upset and feeling left out. It sounds circular: you assume she won't come so don't really consider her, you don't really consider her so she spends more time with her DH and his friends. You were drunk which is an explanation but not an excuse. Can't you just apologise properly and arrange to all get together soon for a night out?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/11/2016 00:03

You were wrong. Apologise and schedule another night out for the three of you. Don't make it a party you think she won't like or a night that ends up being about your friends.

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 00:05

No no i didn't ignore her on purpose. I guess I'm upset because this is the one time I have done something like this but she kind of has form for doing her own thing and not thinking about me. While I accept I'm in the wrong and I do see how she feels, i feel like she in the past has not stopped to consider my feelings about things. And I just feel like if you're going to be angry about how someone has treated you, it's a good idea to examine your past behaviour too!

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/11/2016 00:09

it's a good idea to examine your past behaviour too
That can be a good idea but it can sound like a tit for tat reckoning which doesn't help anyone and rarely builds happy relationships.

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 00:19

Ok true. How can I make it better?? I don't want her to feel excluded or horrible, it was a really silly, drunken thing where I wasn't thinking logically - was due to stay at younger dsis's house so called her before I got too drunk and completely stupidly didn't remember casual plans with other sister, as bad as that sounds - I should have answered my phone and should have remembered. What can I say?

OP posts:

JayneAusten · 07/11/2016 00:26

She's probably still upset about it because it's really obvious you're not being entirely honest about your motivation and actions that night. It sounds to me like you couldn't be arsed with her and ignored her and then afterwards tried to make it sound 'thoughtless' rather than outright unkind.

I think there isn't a quick fix but it might be an idea to make an effort to get to know your older sister a bit better. Go to her part of town and spend time with her, do some things that she wants to do. Get to know her DP better too.

Monochromecat · 07/11/2016 00:27

It's incredibly annoying when someone makes decisions for you and decides how you feel about things - which you did on this occasion. You decided that she wouldn't want to come out. It's patronising and arrogant. You should apologise and do something thoughtful that she would like to show that you recognise and understand why she is hurt.

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 00:30

No it wasn't meant unkindly, it genuinely was thoughtless! I can't even remember much of the night. At the risk of drip feeding I was going through a break up at the time and remember getting drunk very quickly and crying about my ex in the loos - I really wasn't in a fit state to do anything. My other sister basically came out to babysit me and take me home, i was barely coherent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 00:31

I always go and meet my other sister and her dp! I always go to their part of town, see them, I always make him feel welcome. So I do always do that. Worth saying she doesn't come to mine!

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/11/2016 00:34

Say sorry and arrange another night out or go round to her's with a bottle of wine. Don't get into a postmortem of what went wrong - apologise - move on.

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 00:38

Sounds like a plan. I will! So don't say whys and when's? I want to explain but feel like it's like I'm digging a hole. How can I apologise properly?

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/11/2016 00:46

Tbh I don't think you can explain. You're too defensive.
Just say you're sorry. You got too drunk too quickly and messed up.

ymmv · 07/11/2016 00:48

I’m sorry for…
This is wrong because…
In the future, I will…
Will you forgive me?

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 00:56

Thanks all. I hope you don't mind but it has just struck me that dsis might be on MN as she is trying to conceive. Am going to ask for thread to be deleted but thanks for the advice!

OP posts:

nellypledge16 · 07/11/2016 02:03

If you are going to ask for this thread to be deleted in case your sister sees it then why have you just started another one about the exact same thing??

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 02:10

That one was started before... :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Dodohsppy · 07/11/2016 02:11

(And maybe read the times before you speak aggressively)

OP posts:

nellypledge16 · 07/11/2016 02:21

I wasn't aggressive.

bloodymaria · 07/11/2016 02:55

YABU. And fwiw, if someone calls you out on something it doesn't make them aggressive.

Apologise, take responsibility and move on.

amihuman · 07/11/2016 03:13

Your poor sister, I feel upset for her. I'm not surprised she's hurt and angry. You deliberately left her out of plans then ignored her when she tried to join you. That can't have felt good at all.
I'd suggest that actions speak louder than words. Organise a night or day out with her in mind and spend a bit of time with her. People can still be lonely when they're married.

goddessofsmallthings · 07/11/2016 03:14

FGS do us a favour and ask for the other thread to be deleted too, OP.

MissMargie · 07/11/2016 06:35

DSis with husband should find other friends rather than always expecting DSis ot step in if DP is away.

Trifleorbust · 07/11/2016 08:58

You owe her an apology as you were thoughtless and rude, OP.

HeyOverHere · 08/11/2016 00:07

I don't think OP was being unreasonable for one reason--OlderSis invited herself along! And there's nothing wrong with two sisters who enjoy wild nights going out for one and not inviting the third, who doesn't enjoy them, as long as they do still see OlderSis at other times. If she felt excluded, that's disappointing, but she probably should put half of that on her DP, who was also out drinking without her.

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/11/2016 20:27

I have a friend in our group who is a real home bird and will generally only meet up during the day but we always invite her to night's out. I think she has come out to two out of about a dozen nights out in last year or more and then gone home early or just met us for one drink after our meal. But l would never leave her out and neither do our mutual friends. Sometimes it's just nice to be asked and know you've been thought of and if you know your sister probably wouldn't come anyway it wouldn't hurt to just invite her all the same

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