Financial resentment in marriage

[Tetley08]

Our current situation is as follows....
My husband pays all of the household bills & mortgage, he has approx 25 % of his take home monthly salary remaining as his disposable income.
I earn significantly less, I'm studying 1 day a week and starting up a new business. My work isn't very well paid, and although I hope to earn more soon, it's never going to be a career that i earn a great deal from. However I deliberately chose to do this as the hours are flexible, I enjoy it & I can be around more for our son. My husband encouraged me to study and says that he doesn't want me to give up on my business. My husband works long hours and often travels for work which means that during the week 100% of the childcare falls on my shoulders. I do all of the housework.
My husband seems to resent me for not contributing financially. I don't pay any of the monthly bills but all of my money goes towards household expenses like food, tennis lessons for our son, our one family summer holiday, new school shoes - ad hoc things. If I fancy a new top or something (providing it's not too expensive- from New Look or the equivalent), I'll usually buy it, but I don't have anywhere near the amount of disposable income that he does. I get comments like 'I support you' like he's funding my lifestyle or something. He loves hammering home the point that he 'pays all the bills'. I don't know what to do as this is really driving a massive wedge between us. I could go back to my previous line of work which I did before having our son. We'd be much better off financially and I'd have considerably more disposable income. My husband wouldn't be able to make comments about him paying all the bills & maybe he'd respect me more? However I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with our son which would make me very sad, I don't think I'd enjoy it, and he would have to pick up 50% of the childcare during the week - i think this would make his already very stressful job much more stressful and to be honest I can imagine that he'd say he would do 50% but in reality it wouldn't work & I'd end up doing the majority of it.
AIBU is he right to feel resentful towards me?

Just because there are lots of families where both parents work, that doesn't mean the OP isn't, as things stand in this family, taking up the slack for her husband with things he would otherwise have to do at home. Of course she is. And it is all very well to say this is her choice, but to work is as much his choice. She has stated that she would be willing to go back to work full time but only if her husband was prepared to shift his weight around the house.

You need to sit down together and work out exactly who earns what and what the household bills are. Include all the bills, so shopping, kids activities, clothing, shoes, school costs, as well as utilities and the mortgage.

At the same time you need to discuss whether you are both equally happy with your work/life balance. It sounds like you are. But if he isn't you will have to work out a compromise. That might mean him having more disposable income than you.

The exact ins and outs will be different for each relationship so the only way to work this out is to discuss it with him. Other people can tell you their arrangements but can't tell you what is fair in your relationship.

Except that the OP says her "husband encouraged me to study and says that he doesn't want me to give up on my business." I don't see why pp are saying that she has made a decision that her husband doesn't really like.

Her son plays tennis and so not a baby. How old is he as the amount of childcare required and the free time would vary by age.

Except that the OP says her "husband encouraged me to study and says that he doesn't want me to give up on my business." I don't see why pp are saying that she has made a decision that her husband doesn't really like.

Presumably he supported both the study and the business as they would allow the OP to progress/increase her earning potential? Besides he's allowed to reconsider the arrangement or change his mind if it doesn't work like he thought it would. Just as the OP is. Just because a decision was made once it doesn't mean it is set in stone and can never be revisited.

Make a formal appointment with him to thrash this out around the kitchen table, without the child being present and with all mobiles and tv switched off.

In his absence, make a written list of your grievances, list the snarky comments he's made.

Make sure you have his 100% concentration and attention, then read out the list.

Be calm. Be friendly. Do not rant or be angry. Imagine you are at a board meeting and you have a grievance.

Tell him you want him to agree to stop making such comments. If he has an issue with the finances, NO SNARK just call another "board meeting."

I would say I wouldn't accept having this thrown in my face constantly. He would be working/paying for house & bills, whether or not you were part time, & have a child.
Just what does he propose? You return to FT job, (nota, even if you work FT, he might still earn more, is he still going to whinge?) it will incur child care costs & 50/50 domestic chores, drop offs & collection of DC etc?
Having a child involves child minding, sports clubs, home work, parental input.... Does he think it happens by magic ?
Marriage means sharing.
If the solution is to return to full time work, at least you will have a decent income should you decide he isn't pulling his weight. Tosser

There should be no situation in a marriage where there are children, where one partner holds the purse strings and has more disposable income than the other. That is blatantly unfair. Even if the work-home balance is not quite to the liking of the higher earning partner, it is still work and it is not acceptable for the higher earning partner to withhold equal access to money.

I agree with Perdita and Spice. Just because a man agrees to his partner taking a backseat from paid work when children are very young, it doesn't mean that he wants to shoulder the burden of being the sole provider forever. As kids grow older, decisions need to be revisited. I don't think many men these days are willing or able to provide for a grown woman for the rest of their days, and why should he?

I honestly think this type of arrangement only works if both people agree to it.

Otherwise, you become very resentful of the other person. Very, very resentful indeed.

And that manifests itself in all sorts of ways, including lots of digs about who's 'bringing in the money'.

Might be time for an honest conversation where you both lay out your cards. And maybe accept that you need to work more and contribute more financially to the household.

Harsh: No-one is saying her DH should have to support the family indefinitely. Where are you getting this from? It doesn't mean it is appropriate for him to withhold access to money and 'hammer' the point that he 'pays the bills' when the current arrangement is one he appears to subscribe to.

Discuss it with him. You both have to be happy with the situation. Would you be happy if he chose to study and work one day a week? Or do you assume that that is only a choice open to you?

You look together at the figures; income, expenses, costs -(including possible childcare costs). You look at the time available - who wants to work 60 hours a week out of the home. Who wants to work in the home. You plan for the future together. You agree on who contributes what.

He isn't happy at the moment. In a marriage you talk it through. You will come to a better arrangement.

It's weird that he's prepared to accept some parts of this arrangement - the childcare and housework bits - but not some other bits - the bit where childcare and domestic labour aren't free.

It's as if there is some guiding principle making his choose certain bits of having a spouse at home more and reject others.

What does never having to lift a hand to look after himself at home and never looking after his child have in common?

How are tyey different from wanting to keep all his money for himself?

It's such a puzzler.

Poor guy ending uo in this dreadful situayion where he is making full use of a housewife he doesn't and and still has someone to pay for holidays and food.

Poor him. So put upon.

Send him your cleaning/ household bill - @ £7.20 ph
Then send him the same for childcare.

He shouldn't have a higher disposable income to you, it should be equal.
I can't believe there are men like this about.
You are married, there's no his and hers anymore, all money is family money.
maybe if he can't see this he shouldn't have a family.
As for his abuse, you should ltb.

agree bananafish .
some may like to think that being a traditional sahm or being at home and shouldering all childcare and housework is so very 1927, but i see many many women doing just this. where i have seen resentment brew is when there is no respect for the others role. eg, where dirty clothes are dropped on the floor for the other to deal with, rather than putting in the laundry basket or where all purchases are questioned. and i should know as i am going through a similar situation as the op right now.

some may like to think that being a traditional sahm or being at home and shouldering all childcare and housework is so very 1927

No. It was the idea that in order for a husband to progress a wife had to do this. You said •when he makes comments like that, please tell him how you have supported his career and enabled him to get to the position he is now*

You have no knowledge of whether it made a jot of difference or even if she has supported his career. Successful men and women do not need a SAHP to be successful.

Perdita: They do unless they hire someone to do the housework and childcare for them. I am not saying this is not a valid choice but it is the choice that has been made here.

Agree that you need to have an arrangement you are both happy with, but he's a grown up, couldn't he be the one to say "let's talk about this"? Instead of sniping and hoarding cash.

He probably doesn't really know what he wants. Or does know, but is aware that it's unreasonable I.e. you to work loads, earn loads, but still do everything round the house and for the child.

Me and my DP are in a situation where we'd both really like to be at home, so we discussed it and decided we'd both work part-time. 2.5 days each. The key thing is that we both work, we both have access to all money, and we split childcare and housework 50/50 exactly. Ask him if this is what he wants.

The word "abuse" has been so over used that it has become practically meaningless.

The OP and her partner have divided up the responsibilities in a certain way. Neither is abusing the other.

It now seems as if the neither is happy with the arrangement from a financial point of view. The OP wants more disposable income, the OP's DP wants to share the bills more equally.

The home/childcare is not split equally either and maybe neither is happy with that either. Perhaps DP would like to be around more for his son - especially now the boy is older - maybe he'd be fine doing more around the house if he wasn't travelling so much to keep the bills paid.

No-one is abusive. They just need to re-think their decision, (as I had to when DP was made redundant and the kids were at Primary school. I hated working full time. Hated it. And resented his school pick-ups and trips to the park while I was stressed, in an office and commuting. But we had no choice)

Perdita: They do unless they hire someone to do the housework and childcare for them. I am not saying this is not a valid choice but it is the choice that has been made here.

The MN housework myth! My DH and I have never had a cleaner. We have both worked full time and are both pretty high earning professionals. We manage to do the housework between us as a family- no-one needs a cleaner because they work!

Yes we had childcare when our children were pre-school and at primary school.

The OP's DH should be communicating his point of view better as it's not going to help making the comments he has made, however, I can sympathise as he clearly isn't happy with this current set up and it seems he had very little input about the financial contributions to the household.

OP describes her "deliberately" choosing for her own enjoyment and to spend time with their son as well as the fact she could changer her line of work to contribute more buts opts to do so for her own wishes.

There needs to be more open and honest discussion about the current situation if it is too improve, left alone to fester will be very damaging going forward.

YA both BU here. He's being a baby and throwing dogs instead of talking. He shouldn't be doing that. But you're missing the possibility that he needs you to sit him down to talk about this. If he's not happy then you both need to talk about it.

My DH used to be a baby about talking about things. He'd try to hide it all and work it out himself and then it would all crash down. Now he talks because he knows things get done between us.

A marriage is a partnership and you both need to be happy with the situation. My DH is now forever checking that I'm happy with the current situation as I work so he can be a Sahd. If I wasn't then I could say something. There'd be no need for sly digs.

Agree with others that OP and DH need a full and frank conversation about splitting financial/house/child responsibilities.

DH and I also work full time and also don't have a cleaner - yes we use childcare but we've worked round each other as much as possible and kept this to a minimum. IME it's generally significantly easier to find childcare (removing the need for a SAHP) than it is to find someone to give you money to pay the bills (removing the need for a WOHP).

He clearly doesn't agree with your decision to take flexible work and not contribute to anything bar luxuries. If DH pulled that stunt on me, he'd be shown the door.

Opting out of the financial burden should be something both agree too.

Maybe he's fed up of working all hours and expects some help, little point in studying if it's not bringing anything into the household and in the meantime he has to foot the bills.

You seem to want it all, to keep your salary, have his and do little.

If he came home and said he was quitting work and was going to do one day a week I very very much doubt you would be welcoming his decision but that appears to be what you did.

Perdita."no one needs a cleaner because they work"

That's a sweeping statement and frankly not true. I take offence at this as a chronically ill person, who up until 3 months ago had a cleaner. Doing the cleaning is a big thing for me and proves I'm getting a bit better. I'm also choosing to do it because I can't stand having anyone else in my home right now after the outrageous behaviour of the last cleaner. I can't work and am a sahm and small time property developer. Unless you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you have no right to judge.