To ask dh to attend a party

[MrsRobinson79]

Have been invited to childhood friends mums 60th. I doubt I will know many people there just the friend and her mum who will obv be busy talking to other guests. Asked dh if he wanted to come (thinking he would just say yes) he says no I will look after the Dcs. It's not a problem to sort a babysitter. He has said he will come if I want him to but he's making out its a big deal and that he shouldn't have to come. My thinking is that these are the kind of events you would just expect your partner to come to a) it looks like he's snubbing them and b) because I don't know many people would be nice to have someone there with me. If it were his friends mums 60th I wouldnt question attending.
I'm mainly concerned about point a. Or am I being old fashioned??

Aibu or is he?

I wouldn't dream of expecting my DH to accompany to such an event - I am still in touch with quite a few old school friends so I do know their parents and get invited to the occasional party or funeral - but I wouldn't dream of expecting my DH to come along.

If I felt uncomfortable about going, then I would just politely decline the invitation rather than drag someone else along.

I agree there are certain occasions, close family or work related for example, where it is more 'expected' that a spouse will attend, but even so my DH and well used to going to events on our own, we are not joined at the hip.

I wouldn't go if partner asked me, and I wouldn't ask partner to go if it were the other way round.

My DH would go without question. As I would in the reverse situation.

I think some of the above responses are quite amusing and make the posters sound like grumpy 14 year olds.

YABU. My idea of hell is a party. Double hell where you don't know anyone.

It sounds like he's being very reasonable to me. He'll go if you want him to, but he doesn't want to go on his own account. Fair enough.

I find it odd that couples don't socialise separately more often, I have a very dear friend who I have known for many years but she really won't do anything without her DH except meet up in the day time if he is at work. He is very nice but I much prefer to spend my free time with her, not both of them. My DH wouldn't dream of socialising with them so we tend to do things as a threesome - I feel a bit like a teenage gooseberry all over again .

I would expect him to come just to keep me company but I wouldn't stay very long. As very peripheral guests I think it's fine to say that you wanted to wish her a happy birthday but can only stay for an hour ( invent an excuse) and then go out for a bite to eat together.

My DH would not go to something like this if I asked him. Nor would I for him. We wouldn't ask each other, I don't think. We socialise separately most of the time as it is.

Point A is really not any sort of concern. If he doesn't know your friend's mum it really won't look like he's snubbing anyone. With any luck the birthday girl will be grown-up enough by 60 (and having a good enough time) not to spend her party calculating which of her children's childhood friends' partners aren't there and feeling insulted.

He's not obligated to go, it's not a family member or even the childhood friend herself. It's her mother!

In my view YABU expecting it as some kind of prerequisite that he attends.

Having been married 25+ years, this type of situation crops up with
what seems to be regularity with us. (" Regularity" because it's over a long time period iyswim).
The way we deal with it is - if I don't want to go then I don't go, and if he doesn't want to go then he doesn't go, with neither of us having a sense of being wronged or not supported. It might be a friend's Mum, a distant relative of his that I've never or rarely met. Or even a friend of mine/his who he/I know(s), but not all that well.

Life's too short to waste time at events where your presence is barely noticed, and so neither would be your absence. Both my DH and I could have wasted weeks that way. Also there are plenty of party/family duty/ friend situations where you feel you really 'have' to attend but you'd rather not - to have to go to stuff you don't feel any obligation toward.
So yes. YABU
I find it difficult to understand why it's a problem TBH.

We socialise separately all the time but would accompany each other to this kind of thing.

Although you might feel a bit anxious about turning up alone and be glad your husband is by your side, it's fairly likely that you will soon become engaged in conversation with your old friend and her family, reminiscing about the past and your dh will be left standing there like a lemon.

Sorry for the late reply everyone, I thought it hadn't posted (looked like it had timed out) and only noticed the replies when I've clicked on threads I'm watching.

Its looking about 50/50 as to whether people think this is something you would expect your partner to go to. For what its worth I am quite looking forward to going - its an old friend I see fairly regularly (when I go back to my home town) I think it will be a good night out - but I would probably enjoy it more with my DH there. I didn't think it was a snub to my friends parent - more to my friend that he can't be bothered to come (they do get on well)

LauraMipsum - good point, that's what my DH said

Ragwort - we do socialise apart all the time! We have kids and can't get babysitters very often (we can for this as I will be going to my home town so have family to babysit) so its not that I don't go out without him.

I wouldn't force him to come if he really doesn't want to, equally he will come if i really want him to. Just wanted to gauge what peoples expectations of an event like this was for a couple. As I said above it looks about 50/50!

Having thought it through anyway I have decided I will probably leave him at home with the kids, have a lovely night out, stay over with family and have a blissful child free lie in in the morning. Win - win!

Enjoy the party! I'm sure no one will be offended that your husband won't be attending. It's completely acceptable that he is staying home with the children. It sounds like a lovely night off for you and the lie in may actually be the best bit.

It's not something DH and I would attend - the hassle of finding a babysitter would mean he stayed at home and less he was really really keen to go. I know OP said babysitting not an issue, but the reality is that most people don't have unlimited free babysitting on tap, so she is either paying for a babysitter or using up a favour that could be better used another time!