To think this is disgusting?

[CesareBorgiasUnicornMask]

I've been brooding on this - DH went to a stag do Friday night and was expected to stay at the stag's house afterwards. I was therefore slightly surprised to be woken by him stumbling in at around 1am.

Basically, they'd done a shooting activity, had dinner, went round a few pubs and bars, with the best man's sole aim appearing to be to get the stag as utterly wasted as possible. To the point that he was the only legless one - the others were all still pretty functional. After a few hours of this the best man announced they were going to a strip club. DH and the other members of the stag party from their work and hobby-based friendship group said they didn't think that was a good idea, not because all of them have ideological objections - though DH does - or didn't want to go themselves - but because they are all aware that the bride-to-be would HATE it, and they/ we see her a lot more regularly nowadays than the half of the group (including best man) who are old university friends of both B&G. So while they've known them a lot longer, we see them more day to day iyswim. University friends all basically told DH and others to fuck off, that they know bride better and 'she's always been a good laugh' and she'd expect it, and they were being 'pussies' . Groom at this point was apparently lying on a bench singing so totally out of it. Eventually DH and others gave up and all went home, and the best man and cronies all carried the groom off to a strip club.

What makes this worse than 'to be expected at a stag do', imo, is that the bride is actually currently very ill. She's recently been diagnosed with a life-changing and potentially life-threatening condition, she's in constant severe pain and they're both persevering with the wedding in a spirit of genuinely not knowing if she will make the first anniversary. The wedding is next week as the timescale has had to be moved up. In this situation, I think it's unforgivable that the other blokes and the groom did anything that will potentially upset her even slightly (and I'm actually sure this will upset her a lot) given what else she's having to deal with.

Thing is, I said all this to my Mum when I saw her yesterday and she says I'm basically being ridiculous and what did I expect if you 'let men get drunk.' Seriously?! AIBU?

YANBU. Your DH and the others who left are the Men. The others are silly little children.

The groom had a choice about getting totally wasted I don't buy into this everyone set out to get him drunk stuff. I guess he'll just have to handle the fall out

Not sure how I would feel getting married to someone who might be dead within a year.

I might want to blow off...?
I might want to sit in a dark corner...?

They are men, and allegedly grown adults so no, I don't think you are unreasonable to expect then to behave as such.

They were disrespectful to a very sick bride, especially if they did go on to the strip club.

The best man should surely be looking after the groom in case of situations like this. I always thought that was the unwritten rule.

Yes they were VERY disrespectful to the bride AND the groom.

Poor man had enough on his plate wo having 'friends' thinking it would be good to ensure he would get completely wasted and then to take him to a strip club on the top of it, when he wasn't in the position to say NO.
I suspect that the best man and co would say that actually that was the point. To ensure he would have a 'good time' to forget all the crap and have 'some' nice memories of the wedding.

I think this was misguided at best.
They have made what is already a 'difficult' wedding into an even harder one. :(:(
Poor bride and poor groom.

Btw, I don't say that the groom has no responsibility as such.
But he was probably starting the evening wanting to relax, drink with his friends and have a nice time. He might not have been in the right space to stand up to the friends who repeatedly pushed him to drink, even when he was already clearly drunk.
In effect, the very peole who should have been there to support him and 'look after him' did the exact opposite.

YY about the fact he is the one who will have to handle the fall out.
But I suspect the friends will have to handle the fall out too. Between them and the bride and groom. As well as having to look at themselves knowing they have deeply hurt someone who is very very Serioulsy ill.....

Best man sounds a total knob.
They are trying to re create their university days and don't realise that the groom has grown up over the years.
I don't judge the groom (other than in his choice of best man), poor bloke has a hell of a lot on his plate.

Yanbu.

Seems this isn't that uncommon. Lesson to be learnt seems to be to choose your best man more carefully.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/nov/05/men-do-not-enjoy-debauchery-of-stag-dos-study-suggests

Is there any reason the bride has to know about the strip club? Not that it makes it ok (I would hate if my dh went to one), but, under the circumstances it would just be additional stress for her. The groom will probably feel rotten about it when he Sobers up ( if he remembers anything at all).

They weren't very good friends to the groom to do that to him, so he'd be well within his rights to be pissed off and upset with them. Your DH and friends fought their corner so have done nothing wrong. No one died though. I'd just think they were twats and avoid them in the future.

I agree that the groom really shouldn't have gotten himself in that state. I suspect he's regretting it all now.

The groom is surely allowed to get drunk at some point if he wants to? He's not turning up to the ceremony ratarsed, missing his eyebrows and sporting yellow or green hair. A stag do often includes excessive alcohol,so the bride is likely to have expected that. It's probably a night off for him, but you won't be privy to all conversations between the couple - she may have given her blessing for him to get drunk as a skunk, and not be remotely upset by it.

As regards the strip club, if the groom was paralytic with booze, chances are they were refused entry to the venue and turned away. Do you know if they actually got in?

Yes, the best man is a pillock, and thinks he's 21 again, but the groom is an adult with a voice. He could easily havw discussed in advance what his needs or expectations were for the night, especially if he needs to be fit today to care for his fiancee.

Your DH and the others could have intervened earlier in the night if they felt it was all inappropriate, or asked the groom what he wanted.

So no one person is utterly blameless or totally responsible here. C

That's.... I'm not even really objecting to the strip club (that's an other discussion).

But... carrying somebdoy to a strip club?!

The best man is a twit. Btw.

Makes me kind of glad that my cousin was DH's best man.

YANBU but...

"I think it's unforgivable that the other blokes and the groom did anything that will potentially upset her even slightly (and I'm actually sure this will upset her a lot) given what else she's having to deal with."

You crossing out the words "and the groom" appears to put your thoughts on par with your Mum's.

It comes across as though you're absolving a grown man of any blame for the amount of alcohol he chose to drink, and 'allowing himself' to be taken to this strip club.